Friday, December 24, 2010

Seasons Greetings From The Movie Bitch

Hello Planet Earth!

I have not been working on reviews lately because I have been very busy given that I work and that I'm currently doing Art Shows and working on my first Novel, but I promise as soon as the craziness is over, I will get back to what I love doing best which is being bitchy towards bad movies.

With that said, I will post Part 2 of Alexander sometime after the Holiday season plus some more reviews are coming up as well.

As always if you have any suggestions of any movies that I should review feel free to contact me or leave a comment.

So in closing, Happy Christmas, Merry Kwanza and have a Healthy and Happy New Year.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch because somebody has to be!

Happy Holidays and Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

A Special SOS From The Movie Bitch!

Hello Everyone!

This is a special SOS from me and I want to spread the word out there as quickly as possible! Please read the story about Katie and you'll see what I'm talking about!

Rally For Katie And All Other "Geeks!"

This adorable girl was getting picked on for liking Star Wars. I was like her, I got picked on for being into Sci-Fi by my mother and grandmother and got criticized for liking Batman: The Animated Series. People would tell me that show was for boys only, but I still watched it with my older brother and enjoyed it. I'm sure a lot of my wonderful readers were picked on for liking things outside of the norm as well. So go ahead and show your support for her and all the other geeks out there getting picked on for having interests outside of the norm. Wear your geekiness with pride tomorrow Dec. 10 and show her that we are united! This is our time to shine everybody! Whether it be Star Wars, Star Trek, Dr. Who, anime, video games, whatever it may be, show your pride!

Stay Sassy, Beautiful and Kind Planet Earth!

The Movie Bitch

Sunday, December 5, 2010

The Movie Bitch Reviews: Alexander Part 1

On this episode of The Movie Bitch Reviews, The Movie Bitch is going to tackle one of her toughest reviews yet, Alexander. This is part 1 of 2.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Moonwalker: Pure Self-Indulgence

Michael Jackson was one of the biggest international icons that has ever lived. In fact, he was so epic and awesome that he could do no wrong when he was a worldwide phenomenon back in the 80's. Of course knowing Hollywood, they decided nothing could be better than making a movie starring Michael Jackson. That's when you get something as self-indulgent as Moonwalker:

Michael Jackson is so epic, he shits rainbows.

I know the poor guy died a year ago, but if you take a look back at this film knowing what you know now, it's really creepy and all sorts of fucked up. Even when the film was released it was still a what the fuck moment. This film also marked the point in his career when he still looked like an attractive Hispanic woman before he looked like an older and whiter version of the Crypt Keeper. In fact I have a before and after comparison, it is obligatory after all.



Anyway let's get into this film shall we?

So the movie begins with a concert starring the gloved one himself. He is singing to the world that we need to change and there needs to be world peace. It's nice to see that some of the world leaders agree on this sentiment, but what about the people that matter the most, like Ronald McDonald or Grimace? Do they agree on world peace?

Neither could be reached for comment at this time.

So after that whole sequence, we get a montage and a tribute to Michael Jackson's awesomeness. I will say this, at the time this movie came out, this sequence could be seen as very narcissistic an egotistical, but since Michael is dancing for Jesus these days, this sequence is actually a much better tribute to him and his talent than some of the other specials that I have seen, but I digress. After that whole sequence, we get into the remake of "Bad," with children. That's right, you read that correctly, children.

Pictured: Michael Jackson's Wet Dream

Yeah, I get that this was supposed to be charming and cute, but this comes off as creepy. The whole sequence is just creepy. I could go on with the jokes, but I will save those for later. Moving along. 

So after the "Badder," sequence, Michael and his crew magically transform into adults and some of Pee-Wee's Playhouse's meth addicted rejects chase MJ throughout the entire sequence which includes cameos by Steven Spielberg, Tina Turner, Sylvester Stallone, Pee-Wee Herman himself and James Carville.

I know he wasn't in the movie, but look at the fucking face! This man is creepy as fuck!

So after MJ dons a disguise as a rabbit, and after he escapes his rabid fans and the paparazzi, MJ takes off his disguise and wouldn't you know it, his disguise comes to life. This confirms what I have known all along, Michael Jackson is Jesus, I mean how else could I explain Michael Jackson shitting rainbows on the cover of Moonwalker?!

"You gave me a ticket? It's cause I'm black isn't it?"

After he gets written up for a ticket for dancing, this sequence ends and goes into the "Leave Me Alone," sequence, which I have to admit is one of the better parts of this movie. This is one of the more interesting music videos that Jackson has done and the fact that it made into this film is not much of a stretch. This movie is random as it is already.

After that sequence, we get into one of the worst parts of the movie, which is the corny Spielberg-Zemeckis esque, plot. This is also the part where MJ reveals himself to be Jesus and a transformer at the same time. We also get Joe Pesci here playing the part of a cocker spaniel with a hairy cock on his head. This is where we also get one of the coolest sequences in the entire film, "Smooth Criminal."

Although, I'm still not really sure if Michael wrote this song about Annie the Wookie or a girl named Annie?

If there is one video that perfected the art of music videos, this one would have to be it. I know Thriller revolutionized the medium, but this video perfected it. Of course after this sequence ends, the plot rears its ugly head again. Of course one of MJ's child friends gets kidnapped and he has to go and save her. This was a simpler time in which MJ was allowed to be near children and no one would question it. So MJ decides to rescue the kids by becoming a Transformer.

Michael Jackskon: More than meets the eye.

So MJ decides to blow shit up and wait a minute, wasn't he singing about peace and love in the beginning of the film and now he's blowing shit up?! Talk about a flip-flopper. So after he defeats Cocker Spaniel Pesci, he leaves the children, oh wait he comes back to them and decides to take them backstage to one of his concerts, which is pretty creepy in retrospect. So then ends the film with one more musical sequence.

Uh, this is all sorts of wrong on so many levels.

So how does Moonwalker stack up? This film is dated and is purely self-indulgent. The first half of the film is interesting to say the least and does feature some interesting animation and artwork, but the second half is so bad and nonsensical, I couldn't even make sense of it! MJ, I know you're up there and I want to say is what's up, but I need to say this as well, what the fuck were you thinking when you made this film? At any rate, this movie did have two things going for it, the "Leave Me Alone," sequence and the "Smooth Criminal," sequence.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Aladdin: The Prince of Persia Oh Wait, Wrong Movie

I have heard the rumors about the video game being turned into a film some years back when I was surfing the internet. Naturally I rolled my eyes and said that it was going to be bad just like all of the other movie adaptations of video games. The thing with this film is that it's not terrible, but it's not great either.

As far as video game film adaptations go, this one is by far the best, which is not saying much. The film isn't boring by any means. In fact it's pretty entertaining, but it just feels, standard. There is nothing that really makes this film stand out at all in any way, shape or form.

Ben Kingsley plays the most obvious villain in recent memory. Of course the entire time I was watching the film, I felt like I was watching the live version of a sexy and gritty reboot of Disney's Aladdin.  If you really watch this film again more closely, it is exactly that, a sexy, gritty reboot of Aladdin.

That's one of the things that made this film standard. I felt like I was watching Jerry Bruckheimer rip off Aladdin as opposed to making an adaptation of Prince of Persia. The only thing that was missing from the film was Robin Williams as Genie, a flying magic carpet and Gilbert Gottfried's voice.

Aside from all of the Aladdin jokes, this film appears to have a strange ostrich fetish. Not that I have anything against ostriches or riding ostriches, but I don't remember ostriches being in the video games, but then again, I have never played the series so your guess is as good as mine.

I also have an issue with the casting of this film as well. I have nothing against Jake Gyllenhall or Sir Ben Kingsly but why couldn't Disney hire actors that were actually Persian? It would give Persian actors some work and they would have probably turned out better performances. Gyllenhall wasn't too bad, but I think he should stick to indie fare.

Overall, the film is not terrible and its mildly enjoyable, but it's so standard. While the action sequences are impressive, they still lack that excitement and spark that comes along with the film. The ending is one of the biggest deus ex machinas I have seen in recent years and it pretty much slaps the audience in the face. Not to mention the love story feels slightly forced and this feels like a rip off of Aladdin.

As a video game adaptation, it does a good job, but as a film, it falls short.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Movie Bitch Reviews: On Deadly Ground

The Movie Bitch is going to end Steven Seagal Month (I know it's a little late, I apologize) with a bang! This week I reviewed On Deadly Ground!

Let's if this movie is hot, hot, hot or a hot, hot, hot mess.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

We Are The Social Network

The Social Network is one of those rare films that defines a generation and a decade. I will say that this is the film of the year, yet I will even go so far to say that this is the film of the decade.

The Social Network has created so much buzz and hype around Hollywood and those in popular culture.

The question is, does it really live up to the hype, or does it fall short?

The Social Network does live up to its hype, but it manages to send a deeper message that most audiences will fail to see at first glance.

The first things that I will acknowledge in this film is that the acting is superb. Jesse Eissenberg played his part perfectly as Mark Zuckerberg and Andrew Garfield as Eduardo Saverin was absolutely brilliant. Justin Timberlake as Sean Parker was a real show stealer though as his presence and charisma on screen dominated the film and gave the film the extra punch it needed.

The screenplay and the dialogue is absolutely brilliant and its definitely Aaron Sorkin's best writing in years. The cinematography is beautiful and the musical score by Trent Reznor (of Nine Inch Nails fame) and Atticus Ross is absolutely wonderful and fits the film perfectly.

The Social Network does have one flaw and that would be the pacing of the film. The pacing of the film, especially in the beginning is uneven at times and this is apparent in some places in the middle too, there are some scenes that could have been cut out of the film, but that the only issue I had with the film.

The main thing that I really want to get into about this film is the message and the deeper context hidden within it. Throughout the entire film, Mark is seen and painted as horrible, selfish, manipulative and callous person. To Eissenberg's credit, he played Mark as someone who was inhuman, someone who was incapable of showing the slightest bit of emotion. The very little emotion he showed in the film was through his facial expressions, which were subtle.

The only hint of humanity that was left in this entire film were through Erica Albright (Rooney Mara) and Eduardo Saverin. As Eduardo was only trying to help Mark and do what is best for him, Mark was pushing him away and becoming addicted to the greed, success and attention that Mark desperately craved. As Eduardo famously points out near the end of the film "I was your only friend."

I did not see this film as a criticism of Facebook or any other social networking site that people of my generation use, I saw this film as a criticism of our generation as a whole. I have heard the previous generations say that my generation is the dumbest generation that has come around and that they weep for future generations. While this statement is overly generalizing my generation and that there are many exceptions to this, I cannot help but think that they are on to something. If you look at it on a deeper level, the need to become famous has become more important than actually accomplishing something worthwhile that you might get recognition for.

It is this need for fame that has reality shows like The Jersey Shore and Teen Mom on the air. The need to do something outrageous in order to get a TV show deal out of it. My generation has become so obsessed with fame that it is the only thing that they ever want to achieve.

Maybe this film was trying to tell me something, this film was trying to tell me that while my generation has made better strides in terms of acceptance and tolerance towards others, my generation has also taken many steps backwards. The social networking sites out there would not exist if it weren't for this need to be noticed, to be recognized.

This film itself is trying to sen the message that my generation has become the most selfish. narcissistic, callous and entitled generation, which carries the repercussion of being the most isolated, alienated and depressed generation as well.

You might think that it is easy to blame the internet age for this, but the issue is a lot more complicated than it really is.

Mark's actions in the beginning of the film were done out of frustration, loneliness and rejection. In the same way that my generation has started to feel these feelings when someone does not "Facebook" them or "friend" them.

I sincerely believe that if it wasn't for social networking sites, there wouldn't be any reality shows like The Jersey Shore or Teen Mom, or any other of their ilk. Social networking sites in a sense fuel the need for the fame and recognition that so many young people desperately crave without actually being good at something.

For every Mark and Sean there is in this film, there are also an Eduardo and Erica that bring some semblance of humanity and empathy in our fame obsessed culture.

This film is not a criticism of social networking sites or the internet as a whole, but rather a wake up call to the youth of the world. This film is a reflection of what our generation has become if we do not take the time to examine ourselves and rearrange our priorities.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Fire Down Below: The Film Title That Lends Itself To Fart Jokes

As I continue through Steven Seagal Month, we take a look at one of his later box office failures simply known as Fire Down Below (not to be confused with the 1957 film of the same name, believe me this is not a remake).

 This film looks ten times better than the Seagal one, even though its a porno.

A movie in which Steven Seagal plays an EPA Agent, which is slightly more plausible than a Former Russian Mobster and yes, as with any Steven Seagal film, there will be lots and lots of ass kicking.

I just love the look on Marg Helgenberger's face in this poster. It's clear that she did not want to be in this shit fest.

So let's take a look at this fire blast from the ass shall we?

So the movie starts out with toxins being dumped into the abandoned mines which is causing environmental havoc. Unfortunately the locals in Kentucky are aware of this and fearing the loss of their jobs in the mines because of the corrupt and powerful mine owners, there is nothing they can do.

Enter Steven Seagal, I mean EPA CID Agent Jack Taggart.

You can tell he works for the EPA by the tacky motorcycle jacket.

Taggart is sent to investigate the situation after his colleague was discovered dead. Of course in any Seagal film, there is no such thing as accidents. Anyway, it is discovered that Hanner Coal Company's owner Orin Hanner Sr. (Kris Kristofferson no! WHY?! You deserve so much better than this), is being paid to dump those nasty toxins that fuck up the environment. Looks like Haliburton has been busy before Bush Jr. took office.

So in order to blend in to his assigned small town Taggart, get this, goes undercover as a volunteer at the local church. Steven Seagal working in the house of God is like saying Lady Gaga works as a Wal-Mart Greeter, its just implausible!

Even Jesus thinks he looks terrible in his jacket and Jesus is the one that's hanging free ballin' on the freaking cross!

Anyway, as Taggart is investigating, he finds that the water in the area is contaminated in which he somehow finds himself in a Marijuana field. Yeah, just roll with it. So he finds the growers and beats the shit out of them of course, but then tells them that he has no interest in arresting them. Uh, Taggart, you just enforced uncalled for brutality on a bunch of Marijuana farmers with no intent of arresting them anyway. You could lose your job for that. Just pointing that out.

"Shhhh! I am concentrating! I am trying to turn this water into Sprite!"

So after kicking the Marijuana Farmer's asses, Taggart finds himself into more trouble as the men responsible for the previous EPA Agent's death has spotted Taggart and tries to blow his cover by having another action sequence which involves more ball breaking Akido moves, two rattlesnakes, and a pick up truck crashing while Taggart escapes.

The EPA: Kicking environmental ass one person at a time!

In the middle of all of this Seagal Action, Taggart somehow manages to find the time to strike up a relationship with Sarah (The chick from the original CSI). Of course she is an outcast in the small town because she was accused but never convicted of her father's murder even though her brother Earl was the one responsible. That's nice, he managed to strike up a relationship with a girl who has a psychotic older brother. What the fuck am I saying this is Steven Seagal after all, I'm sure he can take care of the situation.

"So I hear that you are into forensics and that you brother is batshit insane. Mmmmmm, you're sexy."

Anyway, Crazy Earl is none to pleased with their relationship and then sets the church on fire killing the kins preacher that was helping Taggart and the other miners including Earl himself. Of course Taggart gets trapped but then escapes because he's Steve Fucking Seagal dammit, it's his movie.

And if you don't let Seagal have his way, he will break your balls!

Eventually, he convinces Sarah to testify against Hanner Sr. (probably after some awkward sex on Seagal's part) and she is eventually taken into Protective FBI custody. Unfortunately these agents turn out to be corrupt and Taggart kills one of them and then sends the second one back to Orin to let him know that the mother fucker is coming to cut his cracker ass.

Of course Orin gets arrested and charged, but he gets a slap on the wrist and is let go. So this causes Taggart to go back to Jackson and after and epic battle with Orin Jr.'s thugs, he finally convinces Orin Jr. to testify against his dad by beating the crap out of him.

Afterwards, Taggart finds Orin Sr. in Las Vegas and apprehends him but before he can do that, they have yet another fight in which Orin Sr. produces a gun from his ass I guess, but then gets shot in the shoulder by Taggart.

After Orin Sr. is arrested, Taggart goes back to Jackson to be reunited with Sarah and more awkward sex ensues.

So how was Fire Down Below?

It's not as bad as Driven To Kill but that's not saying much. The plot is pretty much the standard Seagal fare but it tries really hard to have an environmental message, which gets lost amidst all of the violence and explosions in this film. Yes what a great way to send an environmental message about using more healthier and sustainable energy, by having Steven Seagal beat the shit out of people. I mean what actual EPA Agent's job description includes "beating the shit out of environmental violators?"

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch... because somebody has to be!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

The Movie Bitch Presents: Mariberry's Yummy Tummy: Sukoka Soft Coffee Candy

On this week's edition of Mariberry's Yummy Tummy, I try coffee flavored candy in which I must point out that I am not a huge fan of coffee (I am a bad Cuban apparently). What did I think of this candy, well the answer may actually surprise you.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Movie Bitch Presents: Mariberry's Yummy Tummy: Kasugai Strawberry Gummy Candy

On this week's episode of Mariberry's Yummy Tummy, I try a gummy candy from the Land of The Rising Sun. Find out if it was truly delicious, yummy and if I had a fun time with the gummy!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Driven To Insanity…Then To Kill, In No Particular Order

Happy Steven Seagal Month!

 Good God here we go...

That is what I would be saying if I wasn’t reviewing the very best of the very worst in Steven Seagal films. Before I dive into this week’s review, let’s hear a few facts about the man shall we:

  • He’s an accomplished martial arts master in the art of Akido, a martial art more concerned with breaking bones and balls as opposed to style.

  • Seagal also serves as a deputy sheriff of his hometown Jefferson Parish County, Louisiana. This is evidenced by the show Lawman, which coincidentally is also entitled A Day In The Life Of Steven Seagal.

  • He is also known as Chungdrag Dorje, Albs Oft, Takeshigemichi. I wish I was making this shit up folks.

So let’s see how this straight to shit DVD has Driven me to insanity.

So the film starts out with Ruslan Drachev who is a former Russian mobster and now spends his days writing pulp fiction novels. Drachev is played by none other than…Steven Seagal. Ok here are the main issues with this:

 Wow, he's really Russian! He's got the phone and the ponytail to prove it!

 Steven Seagal is not RUSSIAN!!!! He is AMERICAN!!! That’s like saying Tom Hanks is playing the role of an African-American slave! The fact that Seagal plays a Russian mobster is pretty fucking racist in it of itself for that matter! Are you fucking kidding me!? You couldn’t get a Russian actor to play an honest to God Russian Mobster?! What about that guy in Night Watch?! He would be perfect or the guy that played Drago in Rocky IV?!

 On second thought…Dolph Lungdren is actually Swedish. It really wouldn’t work. He would be talking about making delicious meatballs or something.

Anyway, Drachev is contacted by his ex-wife who tells him that his estranged daughter is getting married. Of course she is getting married to the son of a rival mobster. So Seagal…sorry I meant Drachev packs his bags and heads to Russia…no wait he heads to Jersey.

 Not this Jersey, the other one.

So anyway, Drachev is concerned that his daughter Lanie is marrying Stephan but his ex-wife Catherine brushes off his concerns. Of course Catherine also mentions that her new and wealthy fuck toy Terry Goldstein (God this movie is trying so hard to be racist) is a horrible prick. So as everyone else leaves for the wedding, Lanie and Catherine get stabbed. Catherine of course dies, but Lanie is expected to make a recovery. This sends Drachev into action.

 This is the only form of action Seagal knows...

Drachev meets with the police officers who tell him that it appeared to be an attempted robbery, but Drachev knows this is a load of shit and decides to dispense justice his own way. Did I forget to mention that guy Lanie was marrying also happened to be the son of the boss of Drachev worked for 20 years ago? Well it doesn’t matter because it’s a Steven Seagal movie and the only reason anybody watches these films is to see him beat the shit out of people in hilariously unimaginable and implausible ways.

 Justice: The Steven Seagal Way...

After Drachev does some detective work on his own, he figures out that Mikhail, his former boss was behind the attack and Terry was also working with him. Catherine was killed because she was going to blow the whistle on their whole operation that they had going which I had no fucking idea what it was because it was never mentioned! The reason Mikhail tried to attempt murder is a pretty stupid one at that, his son did not want to be a mobster!

Ok if your kid does not want to follow in your footsteps, GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!!

Anyway, Drachev promises to Terry and Mikhail that he will get his revenge by kicking their asses and the asses of the henchmen. Yup that’s the movie in a nutshell, Steven Seagal kicking copious amounts of ass in New Jersey. This is the entire movie. Of course Steven Seagal wins and his daughter recovers and the wedding goes on as planned.

This is the whole movie...really.

Here is something that I would like to mention in all of this:


I mean it’s really that simple. All of this could have been avoided if Drachev just simply turned in Mikhail and placed himself and his entire family in the Federal Witness Protection Program. It’s not that fucking hard! His ex-wife wouldn’t have died and his daughter wouldn’t have had to get stabbed in the first place!

So what did I think of Driven To Kill?

This movie is crap, just like most of Seagal’s later work. At least in the early days, Seagal’s films were fun to watch because they were hilariously bad. This movie was just bad. The plot is the same formulaic bullshit in every action film, the acting is bad at best and the entire movie is nothing but fighting and Seagal breaking everyone’s balls. Not to mention the DVD cover for this film has the plot all wrong! The mobsters killed his ex-wife not his daughter! Not to mention, Steven Seagal is not Russian! I cannot stress this enough!

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I’m the Movie Bitch…because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Movie Bitch Presents: Mariberry's Yummy Tummy: Herr's Blossoming Onion Flavored Crisps

On this very first episode of Mariberry's Yummy Tummy, I try Herr's Brand Blossoming Onion Flavored Crisps. Let's see if my tummy thought it was yummy or shitty.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The Movie Bitch Reviews: BMX Bandits

This week, the Movie Bitch tackles a kids' film from Australia called "BMX Bandits," which happens to star Nicole Kidman in one of her first film roles. They may say "Foster's," Australian for Beer but BMX Bandits is Australian for "piece of shit."

Sunday, August 22, 2010

The Movie Bitch Presents: Bitch Fits: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Appreciate The Bieber

This week's Bitch Fit will focus on the popularity of Justin Bieber and how the teen idols of the past have contributed to his success. Be thankful that I did not put any of his songs in this Bitch Fit. Believe me you don't want to hear any of it.

Stay Sassy,
The Movie Bitch

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Runaways: The Film That Stars Bella From Twilight and Dakota Fanning Who Dresses Like A Teenage Prostitute

 The Runaways were a great band. They were the precursor to the Grrrl Riot Bands of the early to mid 90’s and spawned the successful solo careers of Joan Jett and Heavy Metal Queen Lita Ford. Of course their success was short lived but their “rise to fall” Rock N’ Roll story couldn’t resist Hollywood’s siren call and thus was born The Runaways, the feature length film in which focuses on the relationship between Joan Jett and Cherie Currie the original lead singer of The Runaways.

The film was of course written and directed by Floria Sigismondi, a music video director, which was adapted from Cherrie Currie’s memoir Neon Angel: A Memoir of a Runaway. The film is obviously very indicative of its time period because of the way the film was shot and what was used to film this movie. Being that it took place in the mid to late 70’s and early 80’s, the look and feel of this film is perfect and Sigismondi does take a few experimental visual liberties which complete the overall look and feel of the film.

Unfortunately the film’s aesthetics is the strongest asset. Everything else falls short. Dakota Fanning (who plays Cherri Currie) looks the part but her performance is too mannered and it is too stiff. For Fanning, who obviously has a lot of talent and charisma, it is a shame that she downplayed Cherrie Currie to the point that she was barely noticeable. Not to mention, is it just me or is every movie that Dakota Fanning has recently starred in trying to make her into a teenage prostitute. Not that I have anything wrong with her trying to go for challenging and more adult roles, but please do remember that when watching this film, keep in mind that she is still 15 years old and still in high school.

Michael Shannon, on the other hand, plays Kim Fowley to the point that reaches “camp” territory. His performance was so over-the-top, that not even Tim Roth’s performance in Rob Roy couldn’t top that (and believe me when I say this, Tim Roth really upped the “campiness” in his portrayal of Archibald).

One of the other big issues of this film is the plot. Even though the plot was based off of Ms. Currie’s experiences, it still remains formulaic. Even though the aesthetics make the film seem different from all of the other Rock N’ Roll Biopics, the underdeveloped plot is what makes the film formulaic. With Sigismondi’s previous works, you would think that she would have taken this film to a different direction and made it into a much fresher take on the Rock N’ Roll biopic. Of course this film also felt more like a feminine version of Todd Haines’ Velvet Goldmine (a far superior film about the music scene in the 70’s and 80’s).

Not all of the acting in this film was stiff. The only actress in the film that really connected with their character and gave their character life and vitally (and I really hate to say this because of her previous works) was Kristen Stewart. Despite the fact that I dislike her immensely because of the Twilight Franchise, Stewart really stood out in this film. She was likable, tough, spunky, ballsy and a total “badass”, a phrase that Kim Fowley would use to describe her. It is clear that out of all the actors, Stewart did her homework (pardon the pun) and then some with her portrayal of Joan Jett. Kristen, I’m sure Joan Jett is really proud of your performance. In my opinion, out of all the films that she has done, I believe that this is the one role and movie that Kristen Stewart was genuinely interested in doing. Maybe her performances in this film and in Adventureland might actually coax me into actually liking her. Then again, she is still signed on to that Twilight Franchise so every time I see her, I still want to punch her in the face.

Overall, The Runaways is not exactly a “Runaway” hit, but it is an interesting take on the band’s history and that period of time. The look and feel of the film is superb, but the acting in this movie (except for Stewart’s) is what prevented me from truly liking it. The story is extremely formulaic despite the aesthetics and the film drags on a little too long than it should have.

For those of you who are fans of Joan Jett or The Runaways, this is a treat and you will not be disappointed, but for those who want a much better Rock N’ Roll film, may I recommend  The Doors, Velvet Goldmine, Pink Floyd's The Wall, Tommy or Almost Famous?

Monday, August 16, 2010

The World is Really Against Scott Pilgrim

There aren’t too many great films based on the video gaming culture at large. It would be dismissive of me if I didn’t mention Grandma’s Boy, but let’s be honest: as much as I acknowledge that Grandma’s Boy had really funny moments, it is not a very good film overall. The problem with Grandma’s boy is that it appeals to the stereotypical 17-year old male who delights in laughing at pot and sex jokes.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World is nothing like Grandma’s Boy. Nor is like any other comedy that I have seen this summer so far. The film is based off of the graphic novel of the same name by Brian Lee O’Malley. Director Edgar Wright (best known for directing the superb zombie parody fest Shaun of the Dead) knew what he was working with and was obviously familiar with the material. What I mean by “material” is not just the graphic novel, but also the many video game references laced throughout.

Not to say that the film was horribly done. The film was very well put together and was incredibly colorful and imaginative, but the film still presents its own set of issues. One of the main issues of the film is the pacing. The pacing seems unbalanced at certain points. One of the best examples would be when Scott faces the Katayanagi twins (Shota and Keita Saito). The entire sequence is rushed and very little is explained about the brothers in the scene before and during the Battle of the Bands. Of course the scene before does try to give the twins their own history with Ramona, but even that is not explained at all.

Another issue that persisted with the film is some of the characters. Although they were executed wonderfully, they seem to play out as stock characters as opposed to real people. The only characters that felt real were Wallace (Kieran Culkan), Knives (Ellen Wong) and Scott’s band members. Michael Cera at this point is starting to be type casted but this film did allow him to play the awkward, snarky, somewhat jerky guy as opposed to the awkward, snarky, but sweet guy. There is not much of a difference there Michael, next time you accept a role, make sure you are playing a jerk, I have faith that you can show a lot more range when you are given the opportunity to do so.

The last and biggest issue with the film is the humor. Much of the humor of this film lies with the audience’s knowledge of video games and video gaming culture. This is one of the problems that I had with the film. One of my biggest issues is “how can I recommend this film?” Do not misunderstand me, the jokes and the references in the film were incredibly clever and funny (except for the Seinfeld riff and the laugh track). The main issue is will the audience get it? I’m fairly certain that most of the audience that goes to see this film will know a little bit about video games, but not enough to enjoy and “get” the jokes Scott Pilgrim will throw your way.

Overall, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was an enjoyable and entertaining experience for me. It is funny, clever, bright, exciting and sweet. If I was certain that it would be a film that the average movie audience would enjoy then I would highly recommend it. However, with so many video game references, this is a film that only members of the geek culture (like myself) would truly enjoy and appreciate. As for the rest of the movie audience population, I wouldn’t be so sure.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Fat and The Furious: Tokyo Mochi Cakes...mmmmmmmm....Mochi Cake

So where do I start with this film:

Wow...a sequel to a shitty franchise without Paul Walker. This should be interesting.

This movie is a mess. It cannot decide if it wants to be porn for gear heads or if it wants to be the most stereotypical film in recent memory. One thing for sure it fails at one and it succeeds in the other.

Clearly a film of such high cinematic caliber shows much respect for the Japanese and their culture by representing the two things Japan is well known for: Drifting and jerky Japanese guys.

Let's dive into this broken souped up vehicle of a sequel shall we?

So the movie starts out with a guy named Sean Boswell (Lucas Black) a 17 year old with a talent for auto mechanics. Wait a minute...this guy does not look 17 at all! Take a look at this picture:

"I so do not want to be here right now. I have shamed my family by starring in a porno film for gear heads."

He looks like he's in his late 20's early 30's. Take a closer look at that picture again. He does not look like a 17 year old! What the fuck Hollywood?! You couldn't find a kid that was close to 17 that had a working knowledge of auto mechanics or something?!

Anyway, Sean goes to school and then a girl notices his old school ride and starts to talking to him. Of course the captain of the football team is not at all pleased (by the way, the oldest kid from Home Improvement is in this shit fest). After Zachary Ty Brian chews the scenery he decides to challenge Sean to a drag race and the girl that was talking to Sean offers herself up as a prize. Wow isn't this shit so enlightening and to think, we young ladies have come so far thanks to the feminist movement.

So Sean wins the race and the douchey football player and his idiot girlfriend crash their car and Sean finds himself in jail. Of course his mother bails him out by giving the cop a blowjob and as a result, Sean is sent to Tokyo, Japan to live with his dad, where he will encounter the many stupid stereotypes that Americans have of the Japanese.

Americans think that the Japanese like to dress like ravers and do Dance Dance Revolution in the Streets.

So after he ends at his father's door, a prostitute comes out and his dad appears, how nice. So after having a nice chat with his dad, Sean goes to bed and wakes the next morning to find that he is incredibly late to school. Being the token fish out of water, Sean meets Twinkie (Lil Bow Wow in his first and hopefully last major movie role), a fellow American who hawks imported goods. So far we have already counted four stereotypes in this film and Twinkie is the fifth one, I hope you are all keeping up with me. Wait a minute, his name is Twinkie? What the fuck? Why is his name Twinkie? I mean it doesn't make any sense. Is he named Twinkie because he likes twinkies or is it some sort of inside joke or something? Explain movie, EXPLAIN!!!!

Anyway, Twinkie introduces Sean to the world of drifting and then has his first of many several encounters with Takashi aka "DK" (short for "Drift King." Shit I thought it was "Donkey Kong."). Of course Sean meets the girl of his dreams, Neela (Nathalie Kelley) who happens to be Australian. Ok, not to nitpick here but is she was Australian wouldn't she have a slight accent at least or a heavy one. In fact she doesn't have one at all in this fucking movie! Come on! All I'm asking for is a little consistency. Oh wait, this is Fast and Furious we are talking about here.

The Fast and Furious Franchise: Where intelligence, common sense and consistency go to die.

So after Sean epically fails on his first try as a drift racer, Han (Leonardo Nam) decides to become Mr. Miyagi and trains the dumb fucker on how to become a drift king.

Pictured: A young Mr. Miyagi

Wait a minute. Wait the fuck a minute. You know what, I should have seen this shit from the start! This movie is ripping off The Karate Kid! This film is rip off of the fucking Karate Kid! I mean you have the kid who doesn't fit in, the girl he's got a boner for, the annoying but lovable best friend, the somewhat absentee parent, the Kobra Kai fucker and the lovable Asian stereotype! Un-fucking-believable!

Wow, I don't now if I should continue with this review because everybody knows how The Karate Kid begins and ends. I mean, this movie is a rip off that film! Jesus H. Christ!

Anyway, Sean decides to train with Mr. Miyagi, I mean Han Solo, sorry Han and he learns how to drift while he and Twinkie are doing shit in Tokyo. This is of course done in montage form for a good chunk of the movie. Of course Neela and Sean begin to get closer to one another and becuase of this Takashi beats the shit out of Sean. When Neela finds out about this, she leaves Takashi to be with Sean. See, The Karate Kid formula at work in this fucking movie.

"Hey baby, you can call me Daniel-San."

Takashi's uncle Kamata (Sonny Chiba) is one of the high ranking Yakuza members. Sonny Chiba no, why are you in this shit fest?! You are so much better than this! Why Sonny why!?

Anyway, Kamata tells Takashi that there is a discrepancy in the books and that Han is cheating Takashi out of money. So naturally, Takashi and his crew decide to confront Han, Sean and Neela about this and they embark on a high speed chase. Of course everything goes to shit and Sean and Neela get away, but Han is not so fact he dies in the crash.


So after Han's death, Neela and Sean head back to Sean's place. Of course Takashi stops by there to take Neela and kill Sean but Sean's dad for once takes an interest in his kid and intervenes. Of course Neela decides to volunteer and go with Takashi. Having dealt with Sean's shit for the last time, his dad tells him to pack his bags and leave at once, but Sean convinces his dad to let him stay and at least make things right.

So Sean meets up with Twinkie (again what the fuck is up with the name) and returns the money that Han had laundered from Takashi to Kamata and offers to challenge Takashi to an "honor race" in which whoever loses, leaves the country. The race of course is on a mountain pass, which Takashi has the advantage because he knows the layout. Of course Sean and his crew need to fix up Sean's Dad's 1967 Ford Mustang Fastback for the race so you know what this means, Montage Time!

So after the race ends, Sean wins and Takashi loses in which he has shamed his elders and his pants. Takashi leaves the country, Neela goes back to Sean and everything end well.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, Sean becomes the new Drift King and who comes riding along next to him is none other than Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel from the first film) who says that Han was a close friend of his back in the U.S. The film ends with another fucking race.

"Ok where's my paycheck for this fucking cameo?"

So how does this movie stack up? It's stupid, pointless and predictable. The characters are stereotypes, the plot is over-formulaic, nothing is ever explained, there were so many fucking montages and this is a rip off of The fucking Karate Kid!

Of course this franchise is shit to begin with and quite frankly I do not understand the popularity of these films. My only guess is that this is the closest thing to porn that gear heads can get to since they do not have Top Gear here in America. Not to mention the way the women in this film are portrayed in all of these films. They are either "the prize," "the whore," or "the other guy."

Good God, I'd never thought I would encounter a remake of The Karate Kid with Drift Racing in Tokyo.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm your Movie Bitch...because somebody has to be!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

The Movie Bitch Reviews: Despicable Me

Hello Everyone!

Here is my review for Despicable Me. I hope you all enjoy it!

If you want to see more of my stuff, please feel free to check out The Movie Bitch Blog:

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Thursday, July 22, 2010

07/22/10: Bitch Fit and Movie Review of The Patriot

Hello Everyone!

This is a combination of The Patriot Movie Review and The Mel Gibson Bitch Fit. I felt that it was appropriate to combine the two seeing as how Mr. asshole Gibson is in trouble again. We can't we just stop seeing his movies, oh wait, because some of them are actually good. The Patriot is not. Enjoy the show!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

In Memoriam...

James Gammon
1940 - 2010

"I love this British Shit!" - Lou, Major League II

Sunday, July 18, 2010

1776: More Accurate Than The Patriot!

To truly appreciate God Bless America Month, we have to take a look back at one of our most cherished historic figures. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Adams, all of these men and many countless others risked their lives to declare independence from Britain's Iron Fist. These courageous men did it through song and dance, that is if you got your history lesson from the film based on the hit Broadway show, 1776:

How could anyone resist the siren call of seeing Benjamin Franklin Fred Astairing the shit of a movie?

I know what you are all thinking...Movie Bitch, this musical film was pretty bad, so I hope you tear it a new one! Well dear reader, I will be the first to admit that this film is incredibly cheesy and rightfully so (it's a musical and most of them are going to be pretty cheesy) but there is one thing that most people do not know about me, in addition to having a weakness for Depeche Mode, I also have a weakness for musicals (at this moment, I am going to lose my cinephille street cred for admitting that).

So let's dive into this Revolutionary Music Fest shall we?

So the movie starts out with John Adams (William Daniels also known as Mr. Motherfucking Feeny from Boy Meets World) as he is sad and being all emo because none of his suggestions were being deliberated on by the Second Continental Congress. He is also widely disliked as well. We shall refer to him as the Scrappy Doo of the group.


This results in the members of the house in telling Adams to simply shut the fuck up, with a musical title called "Sit Down, John" (although "Shut The Fuck Up, John" would've been a better title). Being the emo teenager that he is, John Adams leaves in frustration. When he goes into his office, John is upset that Congress has done nothing but talk shit and fuck around (not too different from today's Congress), which then transitions into another musical sequence, "Piddle, Twiddle and Resolve" ("Piddle" rhymes with "Pizzle," another word for "penis"). After that brief moment of silliness, John then sits down to read another letter from his beloved wife, Abigail (Virginia Vestoff) as she tells him that there are no straight pins which are required for the war effort.

*Here's a history lesson for all of you readers out there, keep in mind that Abigail Adams suggested to John that women should have equal rights and have property rights as well as voting rights. Of course John laughed at the idea because he thought she was on the rag. History lesson has concluded.*

Of course this moment is then turned into another musical sequence called "Till Then," which I have to admit is a very sweet and touching moment and one of the few touching moments that you will see involving John Adams.

"Tender," "sweet" and John Adams do not go well together.

So the next day, John meets up with his buddy, Benjamin Franklin (Howard Da Silva) and basically whines like an emo bitch about his failure to argue for declaring independence from Britain. Not one to mince words, Benjamin basically tells John that the reason why he's being ignored because he's acting like an asshole and an annoying twat.

Notice that Franklin is saying all of this to Adams in a smashingly pimptastic ensemble. It's no surprise that Franklin was popular with the ladies.

Franklin suggests to Adams that his resolution would go through if it were presented by someone who is much more likable (and more handsome), in which Richard Henry Lee (Ron Holgate, that rhymes with Colgate) jumps in and then says that he is the best man to propose the resolution simply because he comes from the most glorious family in America in which then transitions to "The Lees of Old Virginia" (Yup it's another musical number).

"They see us rollin' they be hatin!"

So after that number, all three of them head off to Williamsburg, Virginia as things do not go too well at the meeting. Thomas Jefferson (Ken Howard) leaves the meeting in order to visit his wife Martha (Blythe Danner, yes you read that correctly, the mom from Meet The Parents is in this). Of course the vote to become independent is split and the discussion continues but then Caesar Rodney (William Hansen) collapses and is revealed that he has cancer.

This is Cesar Millan, not Caesar Rodney! God Damn Google Images!

In addition to that, John Dickinson and John Adams get into a nasty altercation:

The Dish-On-Demand Event of The Century: Dickinson vs. Adams: Brawl In City Hall. Pantaloons will be torn!

Which once again leaves the decision split among the delegates. Adams is trying to think fast as he suggests that the delegation be put on hold as he suggests that they should draft a declaration for why they want to split from Britain in which Hancock along with Jefferson and others are first assigned to write the Declaration but they all get owned as Thomas Jefferson is the best writer and knows how to deliver the goods. Jefferson at first does not want to write the Declaration but Adams convinces him to do so against Jefferson's wishes, it just me or does this sound like Adams had his way with Jefferson without his consent.

The captions alone do the job for me.

A week later, Adams and his posse return to see Jefferson, but it seems like Jefferson caught the Emo spell from John Adams as he is being depressed and was holed up in his home while writing in the 18th Century equivalent of LiveJournal. Of course Franklin and Adams cheer Jefferson up by bringing him some poontang and by poontang I mean Martha, Jefferson's wife. The two gentlemen leave the young lovers alone in order for Thomas and Martha to get their freak on, while Adams wanders alone and writes another letter to Abigail which then transitions to the song, "Yours, Yours, Yours" (at least it wasn't "Lies, Lies, Lies" by the Thompson Twins).
The next morning, after the Jeffersons had the craziest, epic sex session ever, Franklin and Adams ask Martha how did a guy like Jefferson end up with a hot piece of ass like her and she simply responds with "He plays the violin," in which the next sequence is the song of the same name.

Thomas Jefferson reveals the universal truth...girls love musicians.

The next day the meeting is resumed as the delegates receive a letter from George Motherfucking Washington as the Continental Army soldiers are suffering from Venereal Disease and Drunkenness which raises more doubts about the idea to declare independence. Then Adams works his magic and then he and his posse resume their US tour and head off for New Jersey.

Sadly, The Boss will not be joining them tonight at the meeting hall gig, which leaves Adams and his posse on their own.

At this moment, Dickinson and many of the other conservative delegates then do a song and dance number called "Cool, Cool Considerate Men," (which was removed in the original cut of the film due to Nixon's Presidency but was then put back into the film in later decades). After they leave, Andrew McNair, the courier and a workman then go into another musical number called "Momma Look Sharp" in which is a response to a question that the Workman asks the courier if he has seen any fighting.

The next day, Jefferson has Mr. Thomson read the Declaration of Independence as Franklin giggles like a school girl at the excitement of the declaration, but then Samuel Chase runs in saying that he will change his vote to declare independence after witnessing a shooting outside his gallery. This once again leads into yet another song "The Egg," in which they all sing and dance and try to decide which bird will represent America. They all eventually decide on the Bald Eagle which was Adams' suggestion (although, Franklin's suggestion, the turkey, would've been pretty fucking awesome). Looks like the pieces are starting to fall into place, nothing could go possibly wrong...oh wait yes, yes it will.

As the meeting reconvenes once again, Jefferson along with Adams fight to end slavery which is noble cause and all but that almost ruins their argument for declaring independence (slavery was officially abolished later on). This once again leads to another number called "Molasses To Rum" (good god there are so many fucking songs in this entire movie)! This upsets Adams greatly as he once again pours out his feelings to Abigail in another letter in which Abigail tells John not to lose hope and to keep pushing for independence (I am telling you if it wasn't for Abigail Adams, we would still be under British rule). The film then concludes with all of the members finally signing the Declaration of Independence with two more songs "Compliments" and "Is Anybody There."

"After we sign the Declaration of Independence, we shall raise our pimp canes and chalices into the air and toast to victory!"

So what is my take on this film? It is a cheesy film but it's also entertaining. Well there are a few issues with this film. For example, there could have been a few scenes and songs of the film that could have been taken out because they were unnecessary and caused the film to run a little bit longer than it should have. This movie is also dated but it's so charming in its own right and as it is, the film is great and it is a guilty pleasure. I would highly recommend this film for everyone if you like your historical fiction and musicals tossed in together.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm your Movie Bitch because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!