Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Bitch Fit 03/30/10: When Good Actors Star In Shitty Movies

I hate it when some of my favorite actors star in some of the worst films. In fact it makes me cry and laugh at the same time. It is sad and funny, but still, you can't help but feel that the actor that is in this film, had their dignity die a little bit for being in this film. Below is a list of actors that have starred in the shittiest films imaginable and keep in mind these are really good and talented actors that deserve so much better than this.

George Clooney - Batman and Robin

What can I say about this film. It is the worst Batman film in the entire franchise and that's saying a lot. What really kills me though is that you take a great and really likable actor like Clooney and put him in this shit film. At least Clooney has a good sense of humor about this film these days.

Uma Thurman - Motherhood, Batman and Robin and My Super Ex-Girlfriend (Tie)

I LOVE Uma Thurman. She is so freaking cool and classy, but that still doesn't spare her from my Bitch List. These films are the worst of the worst and it makes me cry to see such a talented actress (who was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar for Kill Bill)star in such shit and yes she was also in Batman and Robin with Clooney up there too.

Michael Caine - Jaws:The Revenge

This guy is too freaking adorable. He has the cutest puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. But I will take him at his word when he says this about this movie:

"I have never seen the film, but by all accounts it was terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific."

Enough Said.

Christopher Eccelston - G.I. JOE: Rise of The Cobra and Gone In Sixty Seconds (Tie)

This pisses me off quite a bit because here is a guy who is an incredibly talented actor who deserves so much better than being in these piece of shit films.He was the fucking Doctor in Doctor Who and he was and always will be AWESOME! For a talented actor like him, he truly deserves better than this. Also another case in point:

Raul Julia - Street Fighter

This one is really sad. Rumor has it that he took the role of M. Bison because his kids wanted him to be in the film. It was also rumored that he took the part because he was also dying at the time filming started and wanted to make sure that his family were set for life financially. This one is purely tragic as he was one of the few great Latino actors who was not only classy, but also graceful, humble and funny.
But still this movie is a piece of shit, but at least Julia made it entertaining.

Halle Berry - Catwoman

This one is fairly obvious and she knew this film was a piece of shit. She even showed up to accept her Razzie for this film. What I love about her is her humility and her sense of humor.

Bob Hoskins - Super Mario Bros.

I LOVE this guy. He is such an amazing actor and a joy to watch on screen performing. He reminds me so much of my dad. Simply put Bob Hoskins was part of my childhood. He starred in two of my favorite films as a kid, Brazil and Who Framed Roger Rabbit. This film raped and destroyed my childhood. It was that awful.

Dennis Hopper - Super Mario Bros.

Same thing about Hoskins, but he starred in and directed the really cool Easy Rider. At least they both admitted that they did this movie for money.

Robert De Niro - Too many to count

I have noticed lately that De Niro has been doing some pretty shitty movies. I think he's really doing it for the money, but because he's Robert fucking De Niro he can get away with it.

Ewan McGreggor - Angels and Demons and the Star Wars Prequels (Tie)

What woman wouldn't want to cheat on their husbands with this sexy Scottish actor who is also very charming and intelligent. Anyway, his appearances in such shit as Angels and Demons and the Star Wars Prequels is enough to make me weep very sadly.

Tim Roth and Gary Oldman - A lot of movies

I don't even know where to begin with these two. The reason why I mentioned both of them is because they have been BFF's since they performed Shakespearean plays together in England. They have also starred in a lot of awful movies. The Hit is one (I will review and torture myself watching this film), Quest For Camelot and Lost In Space for Oldman. What I like about these guys is that they're honest about the shitty choices that they have made about their films. It pays the bills and puts food on the table. At least Roth has a successful TV show called Lie To Me which is excellent by the way and Oldman has the Rebooted Batman franchise to look forward to.

Drew Barrymore, Edward James Olmos, Andy Garcia, Jamie Lee Curtis and Placido Domingo - Beverly Hills Chihuahua

Okay my parents and my grandmother love this movie. I think it is the strangest acid trip, two hour long Taco Bell commercial I have ever seen. This film is also offensive in so many levels that it is just wrong (I am going to review this one as well)

That is it for now, but I am sure there are plenty more. And I'm sure that there will be a lot of debates about this.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth,
The Move Bitch

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Updates: 03/25/10

Well the Nostalgia Chick beat me to Showgirls, so that movie is off the Bitch List. However, it will be replaced by Paul VerHooven's disasterpiece Starship Troopers. The other films that I have on the Bitch List will still be reviewed unless someone else has already done it. I ahve nothing against Channel Awesome and the people that are on it, in fact I am a huge fan of theirs and they're one of the reasons why I do this. If anyone can do a better review of Showgirls than me I would rather it be the Nostalgia Critic or the Nostalgia Chick.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth,
The Movie Bitch

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Bitch Fit 03/20/10: Katheryn Bigelow Won the Oscar for Best Director: What Happens Next?

On March 7 2010, millions of people tuned in to watch the Oscars to see history in the making. Katheryn Bigelow became the first woman to win the Academy Award for Best Director. This moment was the most important in not only in her career, but it was also an important moment for women everywhere who are filmmakers and who are aspiring to be filmmakers. I am going to be honest and say that I did cry when she won, because her win meant so much to me not only as a filmmaker, but as a woman who is trying to get into the industry one way or another. Her win was important for America to see because not too many female filmmakers are recognized in this category (there are only 4 women that have been nominated and Katheryn is the first woman to win an Oscar for this category. The others include Linda Wertmuller, Jane Campion and Sofia Coppola).
My point is that while Bigelow's win was significant, it will not change the patriarchal ideology that is the Hollywood system overnight. It will take more women winning the Oscar for Best Director, Best Picture and all other technical aspects of the film industry before this could ever happen. It's not just this, but there should be more recognition and praise for women who direct films that are of good quality. The sad thing is that I can only name a few famous female directors on less than 10 of my fingers (Mary Harron, Katheryn Bigelow, Sofia Coppola, Penny Marshall, Agnes Varda, Dorothy Arzner, Penelope Spheeris, Julie Taymor, Tamara Davis). If we were to ask the public how many male directors they can name, the number would be much higher.
Another issue with the system itself is how women are portrayed in a vast majority of Hollywood films. The women in these films are treated as stock and token characters, they are not treated as human beings first, then women second. These stock characters are the byproduct of mostly male screenwriters and directors themselves. A lot of these stock characteristics include, sassy girlfriend, needy girlfriend, femme fatale, the manipulative mother, sister, girlfriend etc., object of sexual desire, uber masculine ass kicker, and hot lesbian couple just to name a few. These stock representations do not reflect the diverse spectrum of the female sex and are very harmful to the public because it reinforces certain beliefs and ideas that men, women and children internalize about the female sex.
I will give praise to two male directors in particular who see women as human beings first as opposed to seeing them as sexual objects of desire. My first praise will go to James Cameron (Bigelow's ex-husband) for creating such powerful women like Ripley from Aliens and Sarah Connor from the Terminator series and even in Avatar and Titanic he had very strong female characters as well. Cameron saw these women as human beings who were put in an extraordinary situation ans they happened to be, for the most part, extraordinary regular women. Another director that I will praise is Quentin Tarantino, especially for his last three films, Jackie Borwn, the Kill Bill films and Inglorious Basterds. Tarantino had very intelligent, strong and powerful women who were also extremely independent and who were extraordinary regular women.
The saddest thing about my previous paragraph is that I acknowledged two male directors who managed to represent women in a realistic way and in a way that they are human beings and equal to or better than men. Granted The Hurt Locker had a male lead but Coppola's Lost In Translation had Scarlett Johansen's character portrayed as a woman who emotionally dependent on an older man in order to be happy in Tokyo. Lost In Translation is a wonderful film, but the character portrayal of Charlotte is somewhat disturbing, but then again, that might have been the point that Coppola was trying to convey, but she then does this again with Marie Antoinette(do not even get me started on this film) , with a character portrayal of Marie who let herself be sexually exploited and used by her peers(granted at that time period women did not have much of a voice, especially in the French Monarchy).
The whole crux of this fit is that in order for the Hollywood Patriarchy to be overthrown in order to be a system and business of equality for all sexes (and intersexed people as well), there needs to be more recognition of female filmmakers and more accurate and realistic portrayals of women on screen. Of course this is very idealistic of me and this decision is really up to the public who pays to see these films. The consumers still have some power as to what films they will support and see. I would like to address an S.O.S to the movie goers of the world and my message for them to be to support more quality films that are directed by women (do not support a film that was directed by a woman if it is a piece of shit) and support more films with realistic portrayals of women. People of Earth, you have the power to change the Hollywood system.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Updates, Vlogs and Reviews...Oh My!

Hello everyone here's an update concerning future vlogs and reviews:

Unfortunately due to the unavailability of the epically god-awful "Glitter" in the United States, it's going to take me a while to track this piece of shit movie so I will have to order this film from Canada or from Europe. Apparently 20th Century Fox decided to unleash this horror unto the rest of the world in DVD and spare the US but I digress.

Here are some future reviews coming soon:


Boondock Saints 1 & 2

A Uwe Boll Movie

I will have a month devoted to Michael Bay movies

The Patriot

Depeche Mode 101 and The Posters Came From The Walls


Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

A Steven Segal Movie


Beverly Hills Chihuahua

If you have any more for me to review please send me a message or comment on the page. I would gladly appreciate it!

The Movie Bitch

Friday, March 12, 2010

Because You Asked For It...

It's the official trailer for the latest installment of the Hot Mess-I mean Twilight Saga, Eclipse starring the official spokesperson for PCD (Pale Complexion Disease) Robert Pattinson and Abercrombie & Fitch's first ever minority spokesmodel Taylor Lautner and that girl who plays Joan Jett in the forthcoming film The Runaways, Kirsten er, Kristen or Kristal whatever the hell her name is.

These Basterds Are Truly Glorious!

I am a huge Tarantino Fan and that is an understatement. Still I will not let my fandomness get in the way of at least being critical of some of his works. Reservoir Dogs was his first film and although it's not a good film by any means, you see that he has talent which became more developed thanks to Pulp Fiction. You can see his maturity in Jackie Brown, but he seems to regress a little bit to his Fanboy state in Kill Bill and Death Proof. I will give the guy some credit, at least he has strong female characters in most of his later films.

It's no surprise that Quentin has come full circle in his maturity with Inglorious Basterds. I know this is the most polarizing of his works, but I will say that this film is excellent, ballsy and what filmmaking should be about. I'm not saying that in order to make a great film, you have to follow the Tarantino Formula, but what makes a film great is the willingness to take a risk with your work. Tarantino always has taken risks with his works and they have always paid off (for the most part, but he seems to be the type of director that doesn't care about winning Oscars anyway).

I understand why people have an issue with this film, it is violent, offensive and gory, but then again you expect that from Tarantino at this point. Tarantino also rewrites history so that the film essentially becomes a Jewish Revenge film. If I were Jewish, I would take delight in seeing Hitler and all of his cronies getting their faces blown to bits, but I can also understand Jews being offended by this film as well seeing as how historically Jews were not able to act out the very same actions that were done in this film which would subtly imply that the Jewish Community did not fight back hard enough during this time.

The acting is superb in this film. Christoph Waltz truly deserves his Best Supporting Actor Oscar for the role of the charming but ruthless Col. Hans Landa. My only other gripe is that the Academy ignored the superb and thunderous debut of Melanie Laurent in favor of giving the nomination to everyone's favorite mediocre Romantic Comedy go-to, Sandra Bullock, who in turn won for Best Actress, but I digress. Although, Brad Pitt's performance as Lt. Aldo Raine, hams it up slightly, Pitt somehow manages to be incredibly endearing and charming despite the cheesiness of his accent.

The story is well written and this is also expected from Tarantino who has said that if he weren't a filmmaker he would've been a novelist. I cannot explain it but the movie flowed for me in all of the right places. The pacing of the shots, the editing, the movement of the actors and the story made this film complete and almost perfect.

The film still has its problems. The subject matter for one is polarizing and is guaranteed to offend. The film is also very violent and gory and it times tends to loose itself in its violence and goriness almost celebrating it at times.

My overall opinion is that this is Tarantino's best film to date and his most mature, but I can also understand why it is polarizing. My recommendation would be to see this film anyway and if you do not like it then tell all your friends about it, either way its free publicity for the film. If you liked it well then good for you, you and I have the same taste in movies fr the most part.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Alice In Wonderland Version 8.0 The Tim Burton Edition

It's nice to see Tim Burton stay in the safe zone when it comes to most of his films. When Tim Burton takes risks with films such as Ed Wood and Big Fish, he succeeds beautifully. I enjoyed The Nightmare Before Christmas, though that was Henry Selick's work as well who also did the superb Coraline and a part of me feels that Burton likes to stay in his dark little corner where he feels the safest. He really hasn't grown since he's stayed in that corner since then. I was starting to see a change in that when he made films like Ed Wood, Big Fish and proved that he can do a dark musical like Sweeny Todd, but he seems to have slipped back into that corner with Alice In Wonderland. Be warned...this is nothing like the book at all, this also Tim Burton's vision of Wonderland.

The acting in the film has its strengths and weaknesses. The lead role of Alice, played by Mia Wachowski, who is perfect for her part. She's slightly awkward, a bit naive and has a little bit of spunk. However, I did find it annoying that she seemed to suffer from the Pale Complexion Disease that seems to be affecting certain film characters in Hollywood films lately (I am noting Edward from the Twilight Saga, if you can call that hot mess a saga, and The White Queen in this film as well). This Alice plays herself out as a victim at first but throughout the entire film we see her mature into a young woman. Wachowski plays this part beautifully with all of the doubt and a little bit of gentle subtlety that young adults tend to have when they're trying to sort out their lives. The supporting cast which consisted of Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover and Stephen Fry played their respective roles well and the viewer could obviously tell that they had a lot of fun playing their roles. Stephen Fry as the Cheshire Cat seemed to enjoy his role immensely and it shows in the tone of his voice. The same goes for Rickman who plays the Caterpillar (at least we know what Professor Snape's really up to every time he opens the door to his office and smoke starts to come out). Glover seems to enjoy his role the most as Stayne, being as wacky and evil as he can possibly be and pulling it off without being hammy.

The weaknesses in the acting are also notable as well. For one Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter seems like a perfect fit when it is on paper but in execution it is a trainwreck. Depp seems to jump back and forth between Captain Jack Sparrow, Pepe Le Pew and Sweeny Todd when he plays this part. Again it sounds awesome in paper but it is a trainwreck when executed. I also found Anne Hathaway a little weak and over-the-top as the White Queen. I understand that the White Queen is supposed to be gentle, but her hand movements in the film brought her acting into the "camp" territory. Let's not forget Helena Bonham-Carter as the Red Queen. She was great as the Red Queen, but I would have loved to seen someone else play the part instead of her. She was great in Sweeny Todd, but give the woman a break and let her play a different role. She seems to be stuck playing the same role ever since she came onto everyone's radar in Fight Club, although to give her credit she played a different role in Big Fish.

The world of Alice In Wonderland is gorgeous and imaginative. It has the wonderful blend of realistic and animated and still captures the beauty of Carroll's work. This is also a weakness.

Tim Burton could've taken a page from the James Cameron Book of Making Money by filming this movie using 3-D film. Burton apparently tore that page, skimmed through it and ate it because he did not do this. If anything he could've made a little bit more money doing this, maybe the God known as Mickey Mouse was not pleased with this idea, after all the recession hit Disney pretty hard and they have to cut some corners to save money (Although they still made millions in profits, maybe it's from whoring out High School Musical and Miley Cyrus). At any rate Burton could have taken advantage of filming this movie in 3-D and the world he created would have been more accessible and enjoyable for the audience. When the movie (non 3-D) was put into 3-D, the screen was blurry and only a few things popped out on screen.

Again this is nothing like the books, but it's interesting to see that they decided to take the Alice as a an adult woman approach who ends up growing up while in Wonderland or Underland as they called it in the film. I do have to give this film some credit for at least paying tribute to the original film in some ways.

My overall feeling of this film is while I enjoyed seeing it, it's not Burton's best work and he could have done so much better. The film seems rushed and a little bit disorganized but at least Burton gives what the audience wants in his films, a weird and magical world with Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter in outfits that can be found at your local Hot Topic and that is just sad.

Tim Burton, if by some weird, off-hand chance that you are reading this review, please make a different type of film. You have proven that you can and successfully (not counting Planet Of The Apes).

As for everyone else, see this one at your own risk.

My Name Is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...Because Somebody Has to Be

Hello Everyone!

I know this isn't much of an introduction, but hopefully I can get somewhere with my little ditty. I will be publishing written and video reviews of movies that I have seen. Whether they are recent or old, hopefully I can entertain the masses...maybe. I'm not really aiming high these days, but I do anyway because I am a little silly like that. If all goes well, I can hopefully get some special guests to contribute as well. Again don't expect much at first. As always, constructive criticism is always welcome so I would be more than happy to read comments that have that type of content. No trolls or flamers, I really do not have the patience for that. Remember, the rules, leave constructive criticism if it is necessary, play nice with everyone else, the movie bitch does not want to get angry and ban people and if you disagree with a film that I have reviewed, please let me know and I will be more than happy to explain why I did or did not like the film but then again, no one takes critics seriously for the most part these days unless they're Roger Ebert or the folks at Mystery Science Theater 3000. I also expect discussion as well about films, this at least gives me some hope that people still do care about film as an art form and not just a business.

What is the Goal of the Blog really? For everyone to have fun while engaging in discourse concerning films and anything film related or otherwise.

The bottom line:
Have fun everyone and to quote Abe Lincoln from the iconic 80s masterpiece Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure "Be excellent to one another."

Please let me know if I got the quote wrong.

The Movie Bitch