Sunday, May 9, 2010

Reality Bites...Really Bites Hard

Well since I have recently graduated college with my Bachelor's in Film and Multimedia Studies, I feel that I should point out that while in the midst of one of the worst recessions since the Great Depression and the 1970s (Thank You Dubya, you did one hell of a job), I should point out that it is going to be hard to find a job out there in whatever field you choose. With that said, there is one film in mind which brings this reality true to life than Up In The Air...oh wait I'm not reviewing that movie am I? Wait...are you fucking serious?! I HAVE TO REVIEW REALITY BITES?! GOD DAMMIT!

Oh yes Realty Bites, good fucking god.

Yes, I am talking about this movie:
This faux Gen-X wannabe film is a piece of shit and for some reason it is inexplicably popular among the college crowd to this very day and even Gen-Xers look at this film with pure nostalgia. Well, I grew up in the late 80's, the entirety of what the fuck the 90s was about and even the 2000s (yes this really reveals my age now doesn't it and yes I was born in 1987 so technically I grew up in the late 80s). At any rate, I understood the point that the film was trying to make in the sense that these were recent college graduates who were struggling to fit into adulthood and adjust to the idea of having to get jobs and not hang out at the coffee shop every fucking day of their lives.

One of the many tools of the Devil, including the TV Series Friends

The entire synopsis of the film is essentially the time tested formula for every Gen-X film in the 90's about college age people:

We all have problems...and we're fucking pretty!

Pretty White Kids With Problems. This Phenomenon started in the 90's and was a mainstay of the decade. Films and TV Shows such as Singles ( a far superior film about Gen-Xers in my opinion), Clueless (though I see it more as a satirization of the California rich girl lifestyle),Beverly Hills 90210 and reached its zenith with the uber pretentious and uber annoying as fuck, Dawson's Creek.

So the entire film starts out with a group of friends named Lalaina (Wynona Ryder), Troy (Ethan Hawke), Vickie (Jeanine Garafalo) and Sammy (Steve Zahn) who have recently graduated from college. Lalaina is a filmmaker (wow I can already relate to this girl and her hair is short like mine) who decides to make a documentary about her friends and herself and their lives together...hmmm looks like she ripped off the Real World.

Although to be fair, she was in Beetlejuice and that movie was fucking awesome!

While she's doing this, she tries to find a job in the meantime that is suited to her career, but finds nothing to no avail. While Sammy and Vickie were pretty lucky to find work, Lalaina and Troy were not so lucky, but not that Troy gives a shit.

The next song we will perform tonight is Achy Breaky Heart...but we will do so with IRONY!

Yes one of our "heroes" is in a shitty grunge band and pretty much does nothing at all. In fact, he contributes nothing to paying the rent and does not have a job. What he does is sit there in his room, writes shitty music, waxes philosophical on bullshit that only he and other idiot slackers like himself believe in and in general fucks girls with bad tattoos.

Uh Lalaina...I ate your sesame cake...sorry.

Basically, Troy is the equivalent of a parasite that feeds off the host while infecting them in the process. Since Lalaina is depressed about not being able to find work after she gets laid off from her job, she decides to call this 1-900 line for guidance which sky rockets the telephone bill, which pisses off Sammy and Vickie understandably so. So Lalaina decides to hustle some money from people at the gas station filling up their gas using her...stepfather's gas card. Okay, that does not make any fucking sense whatsoever. Why the fuck would anybody use their parents' gas card and then have people pay you to fill up their gas, while putting your parents in debt. In fact I take anything remotely good about Lalaina back. This girl is a fucking dumbass! She may have been a valedictorian at her Texas college, but goddamn! This girl is a fucking selfish, dumbass!

Anyway, they go through the usual formulaic Gen-X melodrama that is in every college-age film that was ever released in the 90's and then Lalaina meets probably the only decent straight guy in the entire fucking film:

Ladies and Gentlemen...Ben Stiller, the guy who got his dick stuck in a zipper in There's Something About Mary.

Ah Ben Stiller, you did such interesting, funny and dark films in the 90's. What the fuck are you doing in this movie? Wait a minute...he directed this piece of shit?! Yes dear reader, you read that last sentence correctly, Ben Stiller co-wrote and directed this piece of shit. Although to give him credit, he's not that bad in this movie. He's not annoying and awkward in any way and is actually likable. So a budding romance starts between Lalaina and Ben Stiller (I didn't even bother looking up his character's name in the film so let's call him Ben Stiller for now) which pisses Troy off. While this romance is budding, more melodrama and Gen-X bullshit ensues and then Troy and Lalaina get into another fight as usual. The whole movie is trying to get the viewer to side with Troy, even if he is such an asshole because he truly belongs with Lalaina and she doesn't belong with Ben Stiller, she belongs with Troy.

This is the thing that really bugs me about this fucking film. Lalaina finds herself a decent guy like Ben Stiller, but the viewer is supposed to hate him, even though he treats her like a queen and even helps her get her documentary off the ground and even gives her a chance to turn it into a TV show. Basically, Ben Stiller is the best thing that has happened to her in this entire film and the viewer is supposed to hate him and side with Troy. What the fuck is that all about!?

So Lalaina goes to the party with Ben Stiller to show off her documentary and kick start her career in television in which Troy utters the funniest thing I have heard in the entire film about Lalaina's dress, "You look like a doily." Which in all honesty, I have to side with him on this one, she does look like a giant doily, ready to fly away. Of course, poor Ben Stiller, being the sweet guy compliments her and her dress.

Of course the rest of the film is the typical romantic comedy bullshit cliche that you can think of and Ben Stiller fucks up one time, while Troy has fucked up so many times and Lalaina ends up fucking Troy when he seduces her with sweet talk and then leaves her the next morning. Ben and Troy try to fix the damage they had done but Lalaina is not having any of it. So she leaves both of them in the street. I understand ditching Troy, but why ditch Ben Stiller, I mean he's a decent guy who just fucked up that one time.

The only thing that is remotely redeeming about this entire film is Vicke and Sammy. They are the only characters in the entire film that behave like normal fucking people. Sammy is homosexual and when he comes out to his mother, things don't turn out very well and you feel bad for the poor guy. Vickie of course thinks she has AIDS and turns out she doesn't, but you feel bad for her because she was scared and felt alone. I mean aside from these two characters and Ben Stiller, they are the only redeemable things about this entire film...oh wait, there is one more thing I forgot to mention:

Yes, the Joe Don Baker is in this film. This guy cannot avoid appearing in such shit such as this. Of course he has a cameo in the film, but they are memorable for the fact that he starred in shit such as Congo and Mitchell. Of course Lalaina ends up with Troy in the end, which sends a horrible message to girls that the asshole that treats you like shit only does it because he loves you. Of course we have seen that trope so many times including the Twatlight...I mean Twilight Saga.

Overall, this movie is complete and utter shit. I get the point they were trying to make, but the execution was horrible and only three of the characters in the film were actually sympathetic rather than the leads, because quite frankly, the leads are a bunch of pretentious, selfish, pompous slackers who are the biggest fucking idiots imaginable. I will conclude this review with the most insufferable scene in any film that I have ever seen, rape the shit out of one of my favorite songs. Watch at your own risk.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth.


  1. You know, this actually sounds like a ripoff of Rent only without the cheesily awesome songs and opera references. Which, you know, were the only remotely good thing about Rent.

  2. I mean seriously:

    Love trying between female lead, pretentious talentless douchebag musician, and the only actual adult in the movie? Check.

    AIDS scare and gay "issues"? Check.

    Making "a documentary about her friends"(aka a GODDAMN HOME MOVIE) as a framing hook? Check.

  3. Also the look on the face of the convenience store guy in that clip is priceless.