Sunday, May 16, 2010

Threesome...A Menagois Train Wreck

You know, reviewing films and making fun of them is my favorite past time and it's really a lot of fun, especially when I provide laughter and smiles to the people who read the blog posts that I put up...well hopefully anyway. Last week, for the beginning of May's Gen-X Month, I reviewed Reality Bites. I gave my verdict on Reality Bites in saying that it is the worst of the Gen-X films that came out in the 90's. Most of you may disagree with me on this regard and say that Threesome was the worst. I beg to differ. For one thing, I can agree with someone in which if the movie poster for a film looked like this...

Josh Charles's horse face gives Phoebe Cates' horse face in Drop Dead Fred a run for its money.


Yeah, I would agree with that person and say, "Yes, this film looks like complete shit." In fact it does and it really is shit. But this said shit is unintentionally hilarious which makes a slight notch better than Reality Bites. The film starts out with Stuart (Josh Charles) a shy bookworm who meets film student Eddy (Stephen Baldwin, the brother that all of the Baldwins do not like to talk about). You know that previous sentence that I just typed makes me tear my fucking eyes out! I'm sorry but Stephen Baldwin as a film student in a movie is just as credible as Vanilla Ice. Anyway, Stuart meets Eddy and immediately falls in love with him. Then Alex (played by Lara Flynn Boyle, who was really fucking hot in this movie, but then turned into Skeletor after she joined The Practice) a sexy lady, moves into the dorm with the boys due to a mistake with the Registrar thanks to her gender neutral name (shit I thought FAU was bad).


Eddy: Yo, we should ask Alex if she has any pot.
Stuart: Dude, I'm trying to remember the recipe for those special brownies and for the sesame cake that you stole from my fridge last night.
Eddy: Oh sorry, my bad, I was really fucking high, man!

So Stuart, Eddy and Alex begin spending time together and become the closest BFF's you have ever seen OMFG!!!!! They do some really awesome stuff like this:

Alex: OMFG! I'm tripping balls right now!
Eddy: I thought you had a vagina man!
Stuart: Dude, that's awesome!


They also take pictures together in the semi-gayest poses ever!! OMFG!!!!!!:

Stuart: Alex, your rib is crushing my hand!
Alex: Shut the fuck up, you're such a twat!
Eddy: OMG! Would you two shut the fuck up! I'm trying to get a photo for soon to be failed film and acting career portfolio!

Things begin to get complicated when Alex begins falling in love with Stuart, but Stuart is in love with Eddy, in which Eddy is in love with Alex. Okay this convoluted, melodramatic Gen-X bullshit actually sounds vaguely familiar...

So apparently Stephanie Meyer decided to rip off a shitty Gen-X film from the 90's in order to write an equally shitty series of novels. I take it that Taylor Lautner is getting an orgasm just pretending that he's porking Taylor Swift's ass as opposed to Kristen Stewart's.


Not to mention it actually has the fucking audacity to attempt to pay tribute to Jules Et Jim, one of the greatest films ever made about love and relationships. Stephen fucking Baldwin has the balls to even mention the film in this piece of shit. You know a movie is fucked when you have a man whose biggest highlights of his entire career consisted of a bit part in The Usual Suspects and hosting Scare Tactics for the first few seasons and being the founder of an extreme sports sect of Christianity mention a classic film such as Jules Et Jim as a fucking film student! This should have not even fucking happened at all! Was Matt Damon not available at the time or Ben Affleck? You know when I say that I would rather see Ben Affleck's stupid ass in a film as opposed to Stephen Baldwin's, yeah this movie truly fucked in so many horrible, unimaginable ways. Anyway, after Alex fails to seduce Stuart (didn't Stuart and Eddy's "hiking" trips give you any clue as to Stuart's sexual orientation), she runs to Eddy for comfort and as luck would have it, Alex and Eddy fuck each other's brains out. Of course Stuart is not too happy about this when he finds out mainly because Alex got to ride on Eddy's disco stick (I'm pretty sure Stuart would know what to do with it better than Alex would have anyway at this point). Anyway, the three fight and scream at each other and then eventually calm down and settle their differences and have lunch together...oh wait that doesn't happen, what really happens is that all three of them fucked each other. AT THE SAME TIME!!!!

I am going to need more than just Clorox Brain Bleach to wash the horrifying and potentially life scarring image of Stephen Baldwin's naked ass out of my head.

Is this the fucking threesome that this movie was building up to?! I mean at least the movie poster was honest about it, but if you just wanted your three actors to just have a threesome then the movie should have been devoted to just threesomes the entire time. I mean this film had the low production quality of a porno anyway and I'm more than certain that they hired George Lucas to punch up the dialog a bit. That's the thing, the entire time I watched this film, I felt like I was watching a porno with a plot, which is two things that should not even appear in the same sentence at all because the idea is so awful. This is like the kind of porn that is considered safe for everyone, but it is so awful. It's not even on the same level of erotica, I can't even call this shit erotica, it is that bad! So after they have a threesome, Alex goes through a pregnancy scare which forces the group to drift apart because Alex is not sure who the father is (good god, if Stephen Baldwin's sperm somehow made it into Lara Flynn Boyle's egg, humanity is truly fucked). Of course there is nothing to worry about because Alex got her first period! After the end of the semester Alex moves out and gets an appartment for herself, Eddy moves out and gets himself into a stable relationship (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The Stephen Baldwin Sperms will enter in his new girlfriend's egg and doom all of humanity!!!!!!!), and Stuart finally lands himself a nice boyfriend (apparently Edward Cullen did go to college at some point...). Of course the three have drifted apart since then, but they meet once in while to eat lunch. In the end, they did not regret the very special friendship they have, despite the fact that they drifted apart after having a threesome.

This movie is horrible by all accounts and it is so shitty, but how is it better than Reality Bites you may ask? Well this film has a few things going for it, I mean at least the characters are somewhat likable in their own little way, though that's not saying very much and Stuart is actually the most sympathetic out of all of the characters because you as the viewer do genuinely want everything to turn out for him, I mean it does at the end, but I really can't say I had the same pity for everyone else. The acting is not too bad, although it's an automatic minus 300 points when Stephen Baldwin opens his mouth at any point in any film, let alone star in it, and to be fair this movie is simply enjoyable based on the fact that it is so fucking campy. Reality Bites was obnoxious and it tried so hard to be funny and hip and it just falls flat on its ass. At least this film was unintentionally funny and it did try to be good, although it failed horribly, but it still tried. In all honesty I can't really say the same for Reality Bites in this context.

The other aspects that make this film so shitty, well everything else. I mean the plot is god awful. The entire buildup of the plot is basically the three of them having a threesome and the entire story was so predictable that I can even tell 15 minutes into the movie a threesome was going to ensue later on in the film. Of course they stopped being friends after the fact too, if they were really as close as the film made them out to be, I mean there would awkwardness after the fact for a long time, but they still wouldn't stop being friends, that's really horrible in that perspective. It's like telling the audience that "See this why threesomes are bad! They ruin friendships!" Well as odd as this sounds, some people actually feel much closer to others after they have had a threesome or remain friends after the fact. So that idea that is being presented in the film is not really fair to audience members who actually engage in that type of lifestyle in a responsible manner and the film's message is actually meant to punish those audience members for even being involved in that type of lifestyle which is really fucked up.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...Because somebody has to be!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!





4 comments:

  1. AHHHHHHH! after reading your review I was too intrigued by its terribleness to not watch it, AND OH THE REGRETS. Just... no. Even my unhealthy love for the endlessly charming and talented Josh Charles couldn't redeem this movie, and that's saying a lot. Ugh. Thanks for giving this movie the tongue lashing it deserves.

    -Teresa

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  2. The sad part is that not even Josh Charles could save this shit fest. Seeing Stephen Baldwin's naked ass pretty much sealed the deal that this movie was awful. It's not as bad as Reality Bites but it's up there.

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  3. I do love this movie. I know that technically it's not that good and artisticly it fails a bit, but I simply love the relationship among them. It's kind of fabulous, if it was not the way they omiss things from each other in order to make things get more difficult.

    I dolove two scenes: the one in which they're along the river and the one they fuck together, close to the end.

    Although it's not marvelous, it's such a nice movie.

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  4. The problem with this film is that it had the potential to be a great movie narrative wise and really explore relationships in the 20th and coming 21st century and how they have changed, but instead they decided to make it cliched and that's what killed it for me. That and did I mention Stephen Baldwin's naked ass ruined it for me?

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