Sunday, June 27, 2010

Glitter: The Herpes of The Cinematic World

That's right folks! The long awaited review of Glitter is finally here. What did I think of one of the worst cinematic abominations of all time? Well the movie is exactly that. This film sends nightmares to those who have had the misfortune to see it. In fact this is probably one of the films that was used to torture inmates at Guantanamo Bay (and trust me they have used a lot of things to torture inmates, but this qualifies as one of the worst). As my dear readers may remember, I made a post in April that Glitter was so difficult to get through that I couldn't even finish it the first time around. Well I gave the film a second chance and let me tell you dear readers, it is still a piece of shit. At any rate let's get on with the review.

God even this porno of the same name is an Oscar-worthy masterpiece compared to Glitter.

Sorry, again I have a lot of issues with getting the right movie poster. Fuck You Google Images!

On second thought...I would rather watch the porno.

So the movie starts out with Billie Frank (Mariah Carey) and her mom hanging out at a Jazz Club. Why a mother would let her child come to an adult club to hear her sing instead of getting a babysitter is beyond me but I digress this movie is shit so let's move along now shall we. So anyway, Lillie (Billie's mom, how original on the name by the way) tries to ruse the crowd up with a song by having Billie joining her. Of course this doesn't work as little girl Billie is also a terrible singer too and her mom gets fired. Yes even before Mariah Carey was a superstar, she was still ruining the lives of those around her.

Flash forward to the 1980's, Billie is all grown up and has her set of friends with her, the token Latina (Tia Texada) and the token Black Girl (rap superstar, if you can call her that, Da-Brat). The girls are working for Timothy Walker who is played fucking way, this can't be right, it can't be...yes it is...Terrance Howard. Yes the FUCKING Terrance Howard, Oscar-nominated actor and critically acclaimed Jazz Singer Terrance Fucking Howard is in this shit fest.

It truly is hard out here for a pimp, especially since he's in a Mariah Carey movie.

Terrance Howard, no! Why would you even think about starring in a film like this?! You are so much better than this! Why couldn't you have starred in something that was much better?! What, you couldn't get a part in Chicago!? He's a better singer than Richard Gere any day of the week. Richard Gere sounds like a cat that's having a heart attack when he sings!

Anyway, Billie and her friends are singing along in the recording studio for Timothy while he is having Billie sing and having some chick named Sylk (wow I can't believed I just typed that out) lip-synch to Billie's recording since Sylk is a shitty singer. I guess that's how Justin Bieber manages to have a career after all.

So Billie and her friends call bullshit on Timothy and decide to go their own separate ways. So the girls decide to hit the club.

Surprisingly, dressing like a slutty 13 year old girl like Mariah Carey does, is not considered a sex crime. The 80's were a different time indeed.

So while she is partying with her friends, she meets Dice the DJ.

Although the movie would've been more bearable to watch if it was him, despite the fact that he's a comedic hack and a sexist one at that.

God dammit! Not that Dice, this Dice!

He also wears the same outfit throughout the entire fucking film. Does he even wash his own clothing!?

So yeah, she meets Dice (British actor Max Beesley, remember the British part kids because it's coming up in a minute) and falls for him immediately (uh how is that plausible). At any rate, Dice takes an interest in Billie and her singing ability and even tries to flirt with her while his accent slips (in fact his accent slips 78 times throughout this entire film, yes I counted, sad huh). So she gives him her phone number and they start to record together. In more ways than one may I add. While her career is taking off, she moves in with Max and Billie continues to search for her mother and performs at many clubs and gets signed to a major record the short span of a week.

Okay this is where the movie pretty much becomes a hot mess. First of all, the movie has so many jump cuts and transitions that I couldn't even tell what the fuck was going on. I understand that the director was trying to give it that whirlwind fast pace feel but this is not how you do it! Good God! My friends and I had a hard time trying to keep up with this movie the first time around because nothing was being explained at all!

So anyway, Billie's first single becomes a huge hit and she begins to work on another song which happens to be about her mother, again she doesn't explain much about her mother, but then again when your mom burns down an apartment building in the beginning of the movie leaving you and the other tenants homeless, then I can certainly understand why. So anyway she goes back into the recording studio to do another song.

So this how Mariah Carey records all of her songs, by deep throating a microphone. That could explain why she can hit the high notes.

So Mariah, I mean Billie and her friends decide to film a music video for her hit song. everything turns out well until the director is not pleased with Billie's friends.

Music Video Director: Hmmm, this video is looking too ghetto, quick somebody get some half-naked men!

So the director decides to get rid of Billie's friends and adds some half naked men into the background. Of course before the video turns into a full on gang bang, Dice intervenes on Billie's behalf and leave the set of the music video.

So after her songs become a huge hit, she is scheduled to perform at the USA Music Awards (it's really the Grammys, but since the Grammys are a fucking joke, the screenwriters were too embarrassed to even mention the Grammys).

God how many polar bears did she have to kill to get her fur coat and why is Dice wearing the Star of David near his junk?! Wow talk about Blasphemous Rumors!

She meets Rafael, a famous producer played by Halle Berry's ex-husband, R&B singer Eric Benet. So later at the after party, Rafael suggests that he and Billie should record a song together, but this displeases Dice greatly since Dice goes from great boyfriend to abusive asshole in less than a millisecond and gets Billie away from Rafael thinking that Rafael is making sexual advances towards her.

That's character development at its finest folks! I haven't seen such wonderful character development since Stephanie Meyer's development of Jacob, taking him from the only fucking adult in the Twilight Series into making him a low rate sex offender, great job Hollywood!

So after they leave the party, Billie, Dice and her friends are arguing in the car and then Dice calls DaBrat a fat ass which could explain why DaBrat joined VH1's Celebrity Fit Club and The Surreal Life. So her friends giver her an ultimatum saying that it's Dice or her friends, but then they leave before Billie can make her choice. Okay, what the fuck is up with that, seriously?! Leaving your friend in the car with a somewhat abusive boyfriend is a fucking no-no!

Edward and Bella circa 1980's.

The reconciliation is short-lived as Timothy pays Billie a visit while he was really looking for Dice. Do you remember this at all, neither do I because it was never explained at all! Oh my fucking God this is torture trying to figure this movie out. Anyway, Billie then tells Dice that Timothy threatened her and was saying something about Dice owing Timothy money. Dice being the wonderful boyfriend that he is lies to her and then proceeds to beat the shit out of Timothy and gets arrested while Billie has to go bail him out, forcing her to cancel her performance on Late Night Live.

So this is the point that Billie is fed up with Dice and finally leaves him moving back in with token Latina and DaBrat. Since Billie has received some newfound freedom, she decides to call Rafael back and record a song with him.

I was right! Mariah Carey was really to blame for Halle Berry and Eric Benet divorcing.

The song becomes a hit but Billie is nursing a broken heart. Meanwhile, Dice is writing a song for Billie to perform. Hell he has even bought tickets to the event. So feeling nostalgic, Billie decides to visit Dice and their apartment. She notices the song and leaves a kiss on it that happens to be brown, while she is wearing pink lipstick, don't you just love inconsistency.

So later that night, Dice gets whacked by Timothy and Billie finds out through the news, how convenient and decides to perform anyway. Okay, if someone you love has just died you would reschedule the fucking concert or cancel it, not go out there and still perform when you are emotionally fragile! After the end of the concert, Billie finds out where her mother has been the entire time and reunites with her. Okay, if her mom has been clean and sober for several years, why didn't her mother go and look for her?! It couldn't have been that fucking difficult! And not only that, Timothy never gets caught, I mean that is something that just happened out of the blue without any context or any closure to that particular subplot. Here's a tip, killing off characters in a movie does not always equal conclusion unless there is either context or if it is central to the plot. This particular instance was neither!

So how can I describe this piece of shit film. Well I will let my friend Leigh say it best:

"The experience of the entire film was like the editors and the directors paper mached the film, vomited some glitter on it, glued it together and called it a day."

This movie is by far one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever seen in my entire life and I have seen Year of The Dragon and Zardoz. I cannot even begin to describe how horrible this film is. The acting is so terrible, the music is terrible, the movie moved too fast, nothing was explained, plot points kept popping up everywhere without any explanation and it was an overall tortous experience for me. I do not know how I managed to come out of this film with my sanity intact, but I did. This is one of the worst of the past decade, it's not as bad as Battlefield Earth, but then again anything compared to that film is a fucking masterpiece. Mariah Carey cannot act for shit. She's not even likable in the least bit. This the same woman who once said in an interview that:

"I'm a tragic Mulatta."

Umm you just alientated a lot of your fans you dumbass by saying something horrible like that. In fact I can name a few famous mixed race people who are in fact proud to be mixed race:

President Barack Obama
Halle Berry
Jennifer Beals
Martin Gore of Depeche Mode
Thandie Newton
Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock
Vin Diesel
Tiger Woods

Oh I could go on. Mariah Carey, if you are reading this, stop being such a whiny, fucking annoying, diva bitch and appreciate the fact that you have a cute husband, that you still have somewhat something of a career and that this movie hasn't destroyed your career entirely. God I am sick and tired of hearing you complain about your heritage and everything else. For the love of God and the entire world, please, PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Phew, that's a load off my chest.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth.

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