Sunday, June 13, 2010

Zardoz: (Possibly) The Most Epic What The Fuck Ever

I do not even know where to begin with this one.

Words cannot even begin to formulate into coherence when I think of this film:

Don't you dare compare this film to George Orwell's classic 1984, Mr. Movie Poster! I've got my eye on you...

I mean wow. That is all I can say. For those of you who thought that Highlander 2 was Sean Connery's worst film in his entire career, then you guys haven't really dug deep enough like I have.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Sean Connery. He is another actor that was a big part of my childhood (my mother also lusts after his old sexy ass). I mean he was great in so many films, but when you have a bitchy movie critic like me who spends most of her time watching and reviewing films, I will eventually watch a film that is so horrendous that I must review it and mock it simply out of sheer delight and pity for those involved. Zardoz is one of those films.

What is even sadder is that this film was done by British director John Boorman who directed the superb backwoods rape-fest, Deliverance.

So let's take a look at this What The Fuck of Epic proportions and find out or figure out to be more precise, exactly what this film is all about.

Really this image says it all of what the movie is all about.

So the film starts out with Zed (Sean Connery traipsing around in a orange bikini and go-go boots) and his tribe as they have finished acting like complete vikings in ....oh wait it doesn't start out like that. Shit! I forgot the intro:

This fucking guy...

Yeah the movie starts out with this idiot's head floating around in front of a black screen spouting nonsense about mortality and death and the finer points of salt and vinegar chips (they are mighty tasty might I add).

So back to Zed and his brutes yes? So anyway this giant floating statue comes onto the Irish fields to give his men a pep talk. Coincidently the most memorable lines from that speech and from the entire fucking movie are: "The gun is good, the penis is evil."

This floating head portal was later used as the giant head statue for the children's television game show Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Yeah...The penis is not evil in my and everyone else's book unless it is used for evil purposes. So anyone the statue vomits guns and other artillery out of his mouth so that the brutes can go and pick up their weapons and continue to war. Of course Zed enters the mouth, for some reason that is not explained and encounters Dr. Arthur Frayn, the annoying bastard from the introduction of this movie.

"Do you like my mustache and goatee? I drew them on myself."

So after shoots Arthur Frayn, he notices some girls who happen to look fantastic in plastic:

I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World...Life in plastic, it's so fantastic!

After the weirdness concludes Zed is then taken to another world and discovers that the people there look at him like some strange being. Well if you're running around in go-go boots and an orange bikini, I would be looking at you in a strange way too. Since Zed appears to be the only mortal in this village (how they figure this out, I do not know because it is not even explained at all in the course of the film), Consuella and May decide to run experiments on Zed to figure out where he came from and what does he intend to do.

By giving him a full body massage with a happy ending of course. It worked for Stanley White.

After intense suspicion and research, Consuella and May decide to let the villagers of Zardoz examine Zed and allow him to participate in activities and in their culture. While Zed is hanging out there, he befriends Friend (wow how original) and sticks to him because...well I have nothing really. So while Zed and Friend are learning about each other, May and Consuella are debating whether or not to kill Zed based on his memories. May says that he is more valuable alive while Consuella believes Zed to be a threat. Remember this folks because Consuella is Zed's love interest in the movie...sort of.

I thought the Sex-Ed classes in Florida Public Schools were that bad...

Anyway, Friend tells Zed about the Renegades, a group of people who were banished from Zardoz and live in their own sphere...yeah just go with it I did not get it either. So Zed and Friend check this place out and it understandably confuses the shit out of Zed and the viewers of this film when the Renegades react strangely to Zed's appearance, calling him the mortal savior or some shit like that.

Of course Consuella and May are not too happy about Zed finding out about the Renegades so they decide to banish Friend for leading him there and get this, they banish Friend by doing a half-assed version of the Macarena.

Sensing that Zed is also in danger of getting banished by Macarena Dance, he decides to run away and figure out how to get out of the world that he is in. Of course the only way to do that is to speak with Friend. This is starting to get confusing. If you are keeping up with me, congratulations! You have officially gone insane like I have after trying to make sense of this entire film. So in the middle of all of this, Zed ends up in a wedding dress somehow.

If your movie includes Sean Connery in wedding dress, you have pretty much lost your fucking marbles at this point. On the other hand, at least the embroidery on that dress is pretty.

After Zed runs back to the village, he encounters May who attacks him with a skirt trying to jog his memories. Of course Zed is trying to fight off May's evil skirt but he cannot and thus his memories are jogged. The audience then discovers that Zed is highly educated because he read a lot of the books in the library that he was supposed to destroy and that the world of Zardoz exists because of get this...the Wizard of Oz.

Yes you read that right, the Wizard of Oz was one of the inspirations for this film. I got nothing. You know what, this movie makes no God Damn sense at all so I'm going to try and speed this up to spare us from having our heads exploding.

After Consuella catches May helping Zed, Zed escapes in falls into another world but then gets trapped into a mirror world by Dr. Frayn. Zed shoots the mirror, the reflection of himself as a brute (omfg! Symbolism) and becomes the one that will free everyone from their imprisonment of immortality. Of course everyone has a chanting ceremony and speech and Zed sends Consuella away because of the ensuing bloodshed. Of course they once again do this all together by doing the Half-assed Macarena Dance!

Hey Macarena!

The movie ends with everyone getting killed except for Zed who runs away to join Consuella in a cave and in the next scene she is pregnant and giving birth and then in the next five minutes their child grows up to be an adult and then they both die holding their hands together.

This movie makes no fucking sense at all! I mean the entire time I was watching this film, all I kept thinking and saying was "What the fuck am I watching?" This is clearly Sean Connery's worst film of his entire career and that is saying something because Highlander 2 was pretty fucking awful and pretty high in terms of awfulness. The plot made no sense, nothing was explained and the characters had no motivation, no humanity, nothing seemingly redeemable about them. This movie is just plain fucking weird and I had hard time trying to explain what the fuck was gong on in this film. Honestly this was the best I could do to even try to make sense of this hot mess.

Of course, a year later, John Boorman rewrote the Zardoz script into a novel, which in all fairness was MUCH better than the movie, which makes me think "He should have wrote Zardoz as a novel instead of as a screenplay." Thankfully Sean Connery's post-James Bond career has recovered since this piece of shit film. I can't say the same for Boorman though.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth

P.S. I am well aware that Spoony has done a review on this film. Do check it out when you get the chance.


  1. I have this movie on my Netflix queue and dammit you just made me wanna watch it for the wtf-ery... :-( ::shakes fist menacingly at movie bitch:: Why!?!

  2. You're crazy -- this is Sean Connery's best film ever (even better than Goldfinger).

  3. Well I watched and it was still a wtf moment for me. I have seen much worse though and you don't want to know half the shit I've seen.