Thursday, July 22, 2010

07/22/10: Bitch Fit and Movie Review of The Patriot

Hello Everyone!

This is a combination of The Patriot Movie Review and The Mel Gibson Bitch Fit. I felt that it was appropriate to combine the two seeing as how Mr. asshole Gibson is in trouble again. We can't we just stop seeing his movies, oh wait, because some of them are actually good. The Patriot is not. Enjoy the show!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

In Memoriam...

James Gammon
1940 - 2010

"I love this British Shit!" - Lou, Major League II

Sunday, July 18, 2010

1776: More Accurate Than The Patriot!

To truly appreciate God Bless America Month, we have to take a look back at one of our most cherished historic figures. George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Samuel Adams, all of these men and many countless others risked their lives to declare independence from Britain's Iron Fist. These courageous men did it through song and dance, that is if you got your history lesson from the film based on the hit Broadway show, 1776:

How could anyone resist the siren call of seeing Benjamin Franklin Fred Astairing the shit of a movie?

I know what you are all thinking...Movie Bitch, this musical film was pretty bad, so I hope you tear it a new one! Well dear reader, I will be the first to admit that this film is incredibly cheesy and rightfully so (it's a musical and most of them are going to be pretty cheesy) but there is one thing that most people do not know about me, in addition to having a weakness for Depeche Mode, I also have a weakness for musicals (at this moment, I am going to lose my cinephille street cred for admitting that).

So let's dive into this Revolutionary Music Fest shall we?

So the movie starts out with John Adams (William Daniels also known as Mr. Motherfucking Feeny from Boy Meets World) as he is sad and being all emo because none of his suggestions were being deliberated on by the Second Continental Congress. He is also widely disliked as well. We shall refer to him as the Scrappy Doo of the group.


This results in the members of the house in telling Adams to simply shut the fuck up, with a musical title called "Sit Down, John" (although "Shut The Fuck Up, John" would've been a better title). Being the emo teenager that he is, John Adams leaves in frustration. When he goes into his office, John is upset that Congress has done nothing but talk shit and fuck around (not too different from today's Congress), which then transitions into another musical sequence, "Piddle, Twiddle and Resolve" ("Piddle" rhymes with "Pizzle," another word for "penis"). After that brief moment of silliness, John then sits down to read another letter from his beloved wife, Abigail (Virginia Vestoff) as she tells him that there are no straight pins which are required for the war effort.

*Here's a history lesson for all of you readers out there, keep in mind that Abigail Adams suggested to John that women should have equal rights and have property rights as well as voting rights. Of course John laughed at the idea because he thought she was on the rag. History lesson has concluded.*

Of course this moment is then turned into another musical sequence called "Till Then," which I have to admit is a very sweet and touching moment and one of the few touching moments that you will see involving John Adams.

"Tender," "sweet" and John Adams do not go well together.

So the next day, John meets up with his buddy, Benjamin Franklin (Howard Da Silva) and basically whines like an emo bitch about his failure to argue for declaring independence from Britain. Not one to mince words, Benjamin basically tells John that the reason why he's being ignored because he's acting like an asshole and an annoying twat.

Notice that Franklin is saying all of this to Adams in a smashingly pimptastic ensemble. It's no surprise that Franklin was popular with the ladies.

Franklin suggests to Adams that his resolution would go through if it were presented by someone who is much more likable (and more handsome), in which Richard Henry Lee (Ron Holgate, that rhymes with Colgate) jumps in and then says that he is the best man to propose the resolution simply because he comes from the most glorious family in America in which then transitions to "The Lees of Old Virginia" (Yup it's another musical number).

"They see us rollin' they be hatin!"

So after that number, all three of them head off to Williamsburg, Virginia as things do not go too well at the meeting. Thomas Jefferson (Ken Howard) leaves the meeting in order to visit his wife Martha (Blythe Danner, yes you read that correctly, the mom from Meet The Parents is in this). Of course the vote to become independent is split and the discussion continues but then Caesar Rodney (William Hansen) collapses and is revealed that he has cancer.

This is Cesar Millan, not Caesar Rodney! God Damn Google Images!

In addition to that, John Dickinson and John Adams get into a nasty altercation:

The Dish-On-Demand Event of The Century: Dickinson vs. Adams: Brawl In City Hall. Pantaloons will be torn!

Which once again leaves the decision split among the delegates. Adams is trying to think fast as he suggests that the delegation be put on hold as he suggests that they should draft a declaration for why they want to split from Britain in which Hancock along with Jefferson and others are first assigned to write the Declaration but they all get owned as Thomas Jefferson is the best writer and knows how to deliver the goods. Jefferson at first does not want to write the Declaration but Adams convinces him to do so against Jefferson's wishes, it just me or does this sound like Adams had his way with Jefferson without his consent.

The captions alone do the job for me.

A week later, Adams and his posse return to see Jefferson, but it seems like Jefferson caught the Emo spell from John Adams as he is being depressed and was holed up in his home while writing in the 18th Century equivalent of LiveJournal. Of course Franklin and Adams cheer Jefferson up by bringing him some poontang and by poontang I mean Martha, Jefferson's wife. The two gentlemen leave the young lovers alone in order for Thomas and Martha to get their freak on, while Adams wanders alone and writes another letter to Abigail which then transitions to the song, "Yours, Yours, Yours" (at least it wasn't "Lies, Lies, Lies" by the Thompson Twins).
The next morning, after the Jeffersons had the craziest, epic sex session ever, Franklin and Adams ask Martha how did a guy like Jefferson end up with a hot piece of ass like her and she simply responds with "He plays the violin," in which the next sequence is the song of the same name.

Thomas Jefferson reveals the universal truth...girls love musicians.

The next day the meeting is resumed as the delegates receive a letter from George Motherfucking Washington as the Continental Army soldiers are suffering from Venereal Disease and Drunkenness which raises more doubts about the idea to declare independence. Then Adams works his magic and then he and his posse resume their US tour and head off for New Jersey.

Sadly, The Boss will not be joining them tonight at the meeting hall gig, which leaves Adams and his posse on their own.

At this moment, Dickinson and many of the other conservative delegates then do a song and dance number called "Cool, Cool Considerate Men," (which was removed in the original cut of the film due to Nixon's Presidency but was then put back into the film in later decades). After they leave, Andrew McNair, the courier and a workman then go into another musical number called "Momma Look Sharp" in which is a response to a question that the Workman asks the courier if he has seen any fighting.

The next day, Jefferson has Mr. Thomson read the Declaration of Independence as Franklin giggles like a school girl at the excitement of the declaration, but then Samuel Chase runs in saying that he will change his vote to declare independence after witnessing a shooting outside his gallery. This once again leads into yet another song "The Egg," in which they all sing and dance and try to decide which bird will represent America. They all eventually decide on the Bald Eagle which was Adams' suggestion (although, Franklin's suggestion, the turkey, would've been pretty fucking awesome). Looks like the pieces are starting to fall into place, nothing could go possibly wrong...oh wait yes, yes it will.

As the meeting reconvenes once again, Jefferson along with Adams fight to end slavery which is noble cause and all but that almost ruins their argument for declaring independence (slavery was officially abolished later on). This once again leads to another number called "Molasses To Rum" (good god there are so many fucking songs in this entire movie)! This upsets Adams greatly as he once again pours out his feelings to Abigail in another letter in which Abigail tells John not to lose hope and to keep pushing for independence (I am telling you if it wasn't for Abigail Adams, we would still be under British rule). The film then concludes with all of the members finally signing the Declaration of Independence with two more songs "Compliments" and "Is Anybody There."

"After we sign the Declaration of Independence, we shall raise our pimp canes and chalices into the air and toast to victory!"

So what is my take on this film? It is a cheesy film but it's also entertaining. Well there are a few issues with this film. For example, there could have been a few scenes and songs of the film that could have been taken out because they were unnecessary and caused the film to run a little bit longer than it should have. This movie is also dated but it's so charming in its own right and as it is, the film is great and it is a guilty pleasure. I would highly recommend this film for everyone if you like your historical fiction and musicals tossed in together.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm your Movie Bitch because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Movie Bitch Presents: Bitch Fits: Twilight Phenomenon

I am aware that Spoony and The Cinema Snob have already talked about Twilight in length so here is my take on the Saga (God I can't believe people are calling this shit a saga). Enjoy!

P.S.: Sorry about the low quality but it was the only way to upload the video on Blip.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Team America: FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

There comes a time when America has to stand up and fight for their Freedom and for their right to party. Team America: World Police is one of those times...


Team America: World Police, admittedly is a hit or miss at times. Even though I enjoy this film and I actually like it, there are still some problems with it. For one, there are some scenes in this film that were unnecessary and were there for the purposes of shocking people. So grab your American Flags and let's dive right in to this demented puppet fest!

At least Team America rips on Michael Bay...

The movie starts out in Paris, France where an adorable little boy is skipping around and singing. The halcyon tranquility ends when the little boy bumps into a terrorist and his crew. Of course the terrorist threatens to blow up the Eiffel Tower. The terrorist activities are interrupted when Team America shows up and consequently while trying to save the day, they end up doing destroying the shit out of France.

Kind of like Michael Bay destroying the shit out of the art of cinema.

After the plot is thwarted (sort of) Carson, one of the team members proposes to Lisa, but is then gunned down by a surviving terrorist, making this an epic moment which can only and usually happens in Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer films. So after the moment was short lived, Lisa loses her shit. After several months pass by, Spottswoode decides to look for another team member to help them thwart the terrorist activities. Little do the rest of the team know, the mastermind behind this dastardly plot is really Kim Jong-Ill.

He truly is very ronery.

So Spotteswoode decides to recruit Gary, a Broadway actor who has degrees in both Theater and World Languages as a spy to infiltrate the terrorist cell. Gary at first is suspicious of Spotteswoode, but then realizes that he is telling the truth after Spotteswoode asks Gary to suck his dick. Um, last time I checked, that is not a way that someone earns the trust of another person. I mean, if a man had asked me to suck his dick in order to gain their trust, I would call the cops, I'm just putting that out there. I guess Spotteswoode made Gary an offer he couldn't refuse. When they return to Team America's base in Mount Rushmore (yeah I get the joke but it's not that strong, come on guys, you're better than using cheap jokes), Gary is introduced to the rest of the team, Sarah the psychic, Joe the All-American Jock who has no grasp or concept of Geography, Chris a martial arts and technology expert who hates actors for some reason and Lisa the young psychologist, who Gary falls for. Of course Gary is met with resistance from Chris and Gary is still not interested in joining up with the team until Lisa gives him a motivational speech on how he should change his mind. The next day, Gary decides to join up after all and is assigned to infiltrate the meeting in Cairo, Egypt, but first he must prepare for a disguise.

Apparently sticking pubic hair and using blackface makeup works wonders.

So after Gary's transformation is complete, he infiltrates the pub and uses his skills (and dumb luck) as an actor to gather information on the next terrorist attack. So let me get this straight...Gary who is wearing a noticeably racist and shitty disguise is going to infiltrate this pub:

Does this look familiar to you, George Lucas?
Disguised as this:

I look like an actual Arab!

It seems that Gary is fucked, oh well, the movie is over, oh wait the terrorists actually fall for the horrible disguise and let Gary in on their plans. Meanwhile, love plot #1 happens when Lisa and Sarah become attracted to Gary, although Sarah is more forward about her feelings towards Gary than Lisa is. Of course Lisa warns Sarah not to get too close to Gary (this is code for "bitch, he's my man, back the fuck off). So after Gary gathers the information and the rest of the team succeed in foiling the terror, treason and plot that should not be forgot, they leave the rest of the city in ruins, Michael Bay would be so proud guys. Of course when this happens, the Film Actors Guild aka F.A.G begin to decry Team America's actions and accuse them of terrorism on the rest of world.

Even as a puppet, Sean Penn still looks and acts like a douche.

Of course this upsets Gary greatly because one of his favorite actors, douche bag extraordinare Alec Baldwin, criticizes the team which affects him greatly. Meanwhile, the United Nations sends in Hans Blix to investigate the Weapons of Mass Destruction that Jong-Ill is hiding in his home. Of course Blix starts getting too close and Jong-Ill kills him by feeding him to his sharks (which are actually baby nurse sharks). After the mission, the team decides to relax by getting drunk and playing pool. Gary then takes some alone time with Lisa to express his guilt about how his brother was killed by gorillas because of his acting ability (you read that correctly). Of course Lisa admits that she is starting to fall for Gary but then does not want to get attached to him because of what happened to Carson. Of course Lisa says that she will have sex with Gary only if he promises her that he won't die. In order for Gary to not pass up this offer he says to her that he will not die (doing the one thing that most men will do for sex which is lie to their partners). Ladies and Gentlemen, what ensues in the next few moments is probably the greatest sex scene in the history of cinema:

It's even funnier in German. Seriously.

If that was too much for you dear readers then here is the sex scene in its shortest forms:

Lisa: OUCH! Gary! It's too deep! Carson was more gentle than you are!

Gary: Lisa! You're not even trying!

So after the greatest sex scene of all time, Kim Jong-Ill goes through with his plan and destroys another city, which causes F.A.G and the rest of the world to turn against Team America. To make matters worse, love plot #2 rears its ugly head when Joe finds out that Sarah was in love with Gary after she is devastated upon finding out that Lisa slept with Gary and Joe is then devastated when he learns that Sarah had feelings for Gary instead of him.

That's exactly how I felt after watching Glitter.

Of course Chris blames Gary for everything and the rest of the team, feeling dejected like a child might feel, go off on their own as Gary leaves the team after being overcome with guilt. Of course the rest of the team gets captured by the terrorists and the North Koreans and to add insult to injury, while the team was getting captured, Michael Moore somehow sneaks into Mount Rushmore and suicide bombs the Team America's base, leaving Spotteswoode and I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E as survivors. Of course Gary decides to get drunk, overcome with guilt and feeling once again dejected, a passerby tells him the motivational speech about dicks, assholes and pussies. Gary then leaves the bar then proceeds to blow chunks for an entire minute. Gary then decides to have a change of heart and then returns to the base. Of course the base is destroyed and then regains the trust of Spotteswoode by finally taking him up on that offer of giving him a blow job. He then proceeds to train for an entire day and learn all the skills necessary to fight off Kim Jong-Ill.

Jong-Ill's plan is finally revealed to the captured team that he invited all of the world leaders and F.A.G in order to have them watch him make their countries into third world countries. Of course this plan is once again thwarted by Gary as he saves all of the team members (at the same time, Chris finally reveals why he hates actors so much. He was raped by the cast of Cats) and tells the leaders of the world why they need Team America and people like them. Of course Alec Baldwin does not take too kindly to this but then gets booed off the stage. Kim Jong-Ill tries to go through with the plan but fails as Lisa defeats him by impaling him on a Pickelhaube (German Helmet with a spike on top) as he is revealed to be a cockroach from outer space and escapes in his tiny spaceship, promising to return. As Lisa and Gary begin their relationship, the team reunites and continues on with their mission of keeping the world safe.


So what is my verdict on this film? It's not a bad film, but it's not a strong film in terms of political satire. The political satire in this film is not as sharp as South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, but it truly succeeds as a parody of Michael Bay and Big Budget Action Hollywood films. Some of the jokes are hit or miss and there were some scenes in the movie that were unnecessary, most notably the vomiting scene in which I felt was put there for the purpose to shock more than to entertain people. The two things that really make this movie throughly enjoyable for me and for most people are the music that was used for this film, which the sequence for "I'm So Ronery," is actually one of the most brilliant moments in comedy and not to forget the sex scene between Gary and Lisa, which also stands as one of the most brilliant comedic scenes in recent cinematic history (besides, seeing two puppets having sex is pretty fucking hysterical). It is understandable that this film is polarizing, but as it is, the movie is just fine.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm your Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bitch Fit 07/06/10: Glitter and Mariah Carey's Ouvre

Yay I got the video working! Sorry about that folks!

Blog Updates

Hello everyone!

I am having some difficulty with Blip so the videos will have to wait for now. Nostalgia Critic has done Independence Day so instead of reviewing that film I have switched it out for Team America: World Police. The other reviews will be as follows for God Bless America Month: The Patriot, Pearl Harbor and 1776.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth,
The Movie Bitch

P.S. Check out Nostalgia Critic's Independence Day Review: