Thursday, July 8, 2010

Team America: FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!

There comes a time when America has to stand up and fight for their Freedom and for their right to party. Team America: World Police is one of those times...


Team America: World Police, admittedly is a hit or miss at times. Even though I enjoy this film and I actually like it, there are still some problems with it. For one, there are some scenes in this film that were unnecessary and were there for the purposes of shocking people. So grab your American Flags and let's dive right in to this demented puppet fest!

At least Team America rips on Michael Bay...

The movie starts out in Paris, France where an adorable little boy is skipping around and singing. The halcyon tranquility ends when the little boy bumps into a terrorist and his crew. Of course the terrorist threatens to blow up the Eiffel Tower. The terrorist activities are interrupted when Team America shows up and consequently while trying to save the day, they end up doing destroying the shit out of France.

Kind of like Michael Bay destroying the shit out of the art of cinema.

After the plot is thwarted (sort of) Carson, one of the team members proposes to Lisa, but is then gunned down by a surviving terrorist, making this an epic moment which can only and usually happens in Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer films. So after the moment was short lived, Lisa loses her shit. After several months pass by, Spottswoode decides to look for another team member to help them thwart the terrorist activities. Little do the rest of the team know, the mastermind behind this dastardly plot is really Kim Jong-Ill.

He truly is very ronery.

So Spotteswoode decides to recruit Gary, a Broadway actor who has degrees in both Theater and World Languages as a spy to infiltrate the terrorist cell. Gary at first is suspicious of Spotteswoode, but then realizes that he is telling the truth after Spotteswoode asks Gary to suck his dick. Um, last time I checked, that is not a way that someone earns the trust of another person. I mean, if a man had asked me to suck his dick in order to gain their trust, I would call the cops, I'm just putting that out there. I guess Spotteswoode made Gary an offer he couldn't refuse. When they return to Team America's base in Mount Rushmore (yeah I get the joke but it's not that strong, come on guys, you're better than using cheap jokes), Gary is introduced to the rest of the team, Sarah the psychic, Joe the All-American Jock who has no grasp or concept of Geography, Chris a martial arts and technology expert who hates actors for some reason and Lisa the young psychologist, who Gary falls for. Of course Gary is met with resistance from Chris and Gary is still not interested in joining up with the team until Lisa gives him a motivational speech on how he should change his mind. The next day, Gary decides to join up after all and is assigned to infiltrate the meeting in Cairo, Egypt, but first he must prepare for a disguise.

Apparently sticking pubic hair and using blackface makeup works wonders.

So after Gary's transformation is complete, he infiltrates the pub and uses his skills (and dumb luck) as an actor to gather information on the next terrorist attack. So let me get this straight...Gary who is wearing a noticeably racist and shitty disguise is going to infiltrate this pub:

Does this look familiar to you, George Lucas?
Disguised as this:

I look like an actual Arab!

It seems that Gary is fucked, oh well, the movie is over, oh wait the terrorists actually fall for the horrible disguise and let Gary in on their plans. Meanwhile, love plot #1 happens when Lisa and Sarah become attracted to Gary, although Sarah is more forward about her feelings towards Gary than Lisa is. Of course Lisa warns Sarah not to get too close to Gary (this is code for "bitch, he's my man, back the fuck off). So after Gary gathers the information and the rest of the team succeed in foiling the terror, treason and plot that should not be forgot, they leave the rest of the city in ruins, Michael Bay would be so proud guys. Of course when this happens, the Film Actors Guild aka F.A.G begin to decry Team America's actions and accuse them of terrorism on the rest of world.

Even as a puppet, Sean Penn still looks and acts like a douche.

Of course this upsets Gary greatly because one of his favorite actors, douche bag extraordinare Alec Baldwin, criticizes the team which affects him greatly. Meanwhile, the United Nations sends in Hans Blix to investigate the Weapons of Mass Destruction that Jong-Ill is hiding in his home. Of course Blix starts getting too close and Jong-Ill kills him by feeding him to his sharks (which are actually baby nurse sharks). After the mission, the team decides to relax by getting drunk and playing pool. Gary then takes some alone time with Lisa to express his guilt about how his brother was killed by gorillas because of his acting ability (you read that correctly). Of course Lisa admits that she is starting to fall for Gary but then does not want to get attached to him because of what happened to Carson. Of course Lisa says that she will have sex with Gary only if he promises her that he won't die. In order for Gary to not pass up this offer he says to her that he will not die (doing the one thing that most men will do for sex which is lie to their partners). Ladies and Gentlemen, what ensues in the next few moments is probably the greatest sex scene in the history of cinema:

It's even funnier in German. Seriously.

If that was too much for you dear readers then here is the sex scene in its shortest forms:

Lisa: OUCH! Gary! It's too deep! Carson was more gentle than you are!

Gary: Lisa! You're not even trying!

So after the greatest sex scene of all time, Kim Jong-Ill goes through with his plan and destroys another city, which causes F.A.G and the rest of the world to turn against Team America. To make matters worse, love plot #2 rears its ugly head when Joe finds out that Sarah was in love with Gary after she is devastated upon finding out that Lisa slept with Gary and Joe is then devastated when he learns that Sarah had feelings for Gary instead of him.

That's exactly how I felt after watching Glitter.

Of course Chris blames Gary for everything and the rest of the team, feeling dejected like a child might feel, go off on their own as Gary leaves the team after being overcome with guilt. Of course the rest of the team gets captured by the terrorists and the North Koreans and to add insult to injury, while the team was getting captured, Michael Moore somehow sneaks into Mount Rushmore and suicide bombs the Team America's base, leaving Spotteswoode and I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E as survivors. Of course Gary decides to get drunk, overcome with guilt and feeling once again dejected, a passerby tells him the motivational speech about dicks, assholes and pussies. Gary then leaves the bar then proceeds to blow chunks for an entire minute. Gary then decides to have a change of heart and then returns to the base. Of course the base is destroyed and then regains the trust of Spotteswoode by finally taking him up on that offer of giving him a blow job. He then proceeds to train for an entire day and learn all the skills necessary to fight off Kim Jong-Ill.

Jong-Ill's plan is finally revealed to the captured team that he invited all of the world leaders and F.A.G in order to have them watch him make their countries into third world countries. Of course this plan is once again thwarted by Gary as he saves all of the team members (at the same time, Chris finally reveals why he hates actors so much. He was raped by the cast of Cats) and tells the leaders of the world why they need Team America and people like them. Of course Alec Baldwin does not take too kindly to this but then gets booed off the stage. Kim Jong-Ill tries to go through with the plan but fails as Lisa defeats him by impaling him on a Pickelhaube (German Helmet with a spike on top) as he is revealed to be a cockroach from outer space and escapes in his tiny spaceship, promising to return. As Lisa and Gary begin their relationship, the team reunites and continues on with their mission of keeping the world safe.


So what is my verdict on this film? It's not a bad film, but it's not a strong film in terms of political satire. The political satire in this film is not as sharp as South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, but it truly succeeds as a parody of Michael Bay and Big Budget Action Hollywood films. Some of the jokes are hit or miss and there were some scenes in the movie that were unnecessary, most notably the vomiting scene in which I felt was put there for the purpose to shock more than to entertain people. The two things that really make this movie throughly enjoyable for me and for most people are the music that was used for this film, which the sequence for "I'm So Ronery," is actually one of the most brilliant moments in comedy and not to forget the sex scene between Gary and Lisa, which also stands as one of the most brilliant comedic scenes in recent cinematic history (besides, seeing two puppets having sex is pretty fucking hysterical). It is understandable that this film is polarizing, but as it is, the movie is just fine.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm your Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

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