Sunday, August 8, 2010

The Fat and The Furious: Tokyo Mochi Cakes...mmmmmmmm....Mochi Cake

So where do I start with this film:

Wow...a sequel to a shitty franchise without Paul Walker. This should be interesting.

This movie is a mess. It cannot decide if it wants to be porn for gear heads or if it wants to be the most stereotypical film in recent memory. One thing for sure it fails at one and it succeeds in the other.

Clearly a film of such high cinematic caliber shows much respect for the Japanese and their culture by representing the two things Japan is well known for: Drifting and jerky Japanese guys.

Let's dive into this broken souped up vehicle of a sequel shall we?

So the movie starts out with a guy named Sean Boswell (Lucas Black) a 17 year old with a talent for auto mechanics. Wait a minute...this guy does not look 17 at all! Take a look at this picture:

"I so do not want to be here right now. I have shamed my family by starring in a porno film for gear heads."

He looks like he's in his late 20's early 30's. Take a closer look at that picture again. He does not look like a 17 year old! What the fuck Hollywood?! You couldn't find a kid that was close to 17 that had a working knowledge of auto mechanics or something?!

Anyway, Sean goes to school and then a girl notices his old school ride and starts to talking to him. Of course the captain of the football team is not at all pleased (by the way, the oldest kid from Home Improvement is in this shit fest). After Zachary Ty Brian chews the scenery he decides to challenge Sean to a drag race and the girl that was talking to Sean offers herself up as a prize. Wow isn't this shit so enlightening and to think, we young ladies have come so far thanks to the feminist movement.

So Sean wins the race and the douchey football player and his idiot girlfriend crash their car and Sean finds himself in jail. Of course his mother bails him out by giving the cop a blowjob and as a result, Sean is sent to Tokyo, Japan to live with his dad, where he will encounter the many stupid stereotypes that Americans have of the Japanese.

Americans think that the Japanese like to dress like ravers and do Dance Dance Revolution in the Streets.

So after he ends at his father's door, a prostitute comes out and his dad appears, how nice. So after having a nice chat with his dad, Sean goes to bed and wakes the next morning to find that he is incredibly late to school. Being the token fish out of water, Sean meets Twinkie (Lil Bow Wow in his first and hopefully last major movie role), a fellow American who hawks imported goods. So far we have already counted four stereotypes in this film and Twinkie is the fifth one, I hope you are all keeping up with me. Wait a minute, his name is Twinkie? What the fuck? Why is his name Twinkie? I mean it doesn't make any sense. Is he named Twinkie because he likes twinkies or is it some sort of inside joke or something? Explain movie, EXPLAIN!!!!

Anyway, Twinkie introduces Sean to the world of drifting and then has his first of many several encounters with Takashi aka "DK" (short for "Drift King." Shit I thought it was "Donkey Kong."). Of course Sean meets the girl of his dreams, Neela (Nathalie Kelley) who happens to be Australian. Ok, not to nitpick here but is she was Australian wouldn't she have a slight accent at least or a heavy one. In fact she doesn't have one at all in this fucking movie! Come on! All I'm asking for is a little consistency. Oh wait, this is Fast and Furious we are talking about here.

The Fast and Furious Franchise: Where intelligence, common sense and consistency go to die.

So after Sean epically fails on his first try as a drift racer, Han (Leonardo Nam) decides to become Mr. Miyagi and trains the dumb fucker on how to become a drift king.

Pictured: A young Mr. Miyagi

Wait a minute. Wait the fuck a minute. You know what, I should have seen this shit from the start! This movie is ripping off The Karate Kid! This film is rip off of the fucking Karate Kid! I mean you have the kid who doesn't fit in, the girl he's got a boner for, the annoying but lovable best friend, the somewhat absentee parent, the Kobra Kai fucker and the lovable Asian stereotype! Un-fucking-believable!

Wow, I don't now if I should continue with this review because everybody knows how The Karate Kid begins and ends. I mean, this movie is a rip off that film! Jesus H. Christ!

Anyway, Sean decides to train with Mr. Miyagi, I mean Han Solo, sorry Han and he learns how to drift while he and Twinkie are doing shit in Tokyo. This is of course done in montage form for a good chunk of the movie. Of course Neela and Sean begin to get closer to one another and becuase of this Takashi beats the shit out of Sean. When Neela finds out about this, she leaves Takashi to be with Sean. See, The Karate Kid formula at work in this fucking movie.

"Hey baby, you can call me Daniel-San."

Takashi's uncle Kamata (Sonny Chiba) is one of the high ranking Yakuza members. Sonny Chiba no, why are you in this shit fest?! You are so much better than this! Why Sonny why!?

Anyway, Kamata tells Takashi that there is a discrepancy in the books and that Han is cheating Takashi out of money. So naturally, Takashi and his crew decide to confront Han, Sean and Neela about this and they embark on a high speed chase. Of course everything goes to shit and Sean and Neela get away, but Han is not so lucky...in fact he dies in the crash.

"MR. MIYAGI...I mean HAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So after Han's death, Neela and Sean head back to Sean's place. Of course Takashi stops by there to take Neela and kill Sean but Sean's dad for once takes an interest in his kid and intervenes. Of course Neela decides to volunteer and go with Takashi. Having dealt with Sean's shit for the last time, his dad tells him to pack his bags and leave at once, but Sean convinces his dad to let him stay and at least make things right.

So Sean meets up with Twinkie (again what the fuck is up with the name) and returns the money that Han had laundered from Takashi to Kamata and offers to challenge Takashi to an "honor race" in which whoever loses, leaves the country. The race of course is on a mountain pass, which Takashi has the advantage because he knows the layout. Of course Sean and his crew need to fix up Sean's Dad's 1967 Ford Mustang Fastback for the race so you know what this means, Montage Time!

So after the race ends, Sean wins and Takashi loses in which he has shamed his elders and his pants. Takashi leaves the country, Neela goes back to Sean and everything end well.

Fast forward to a few weeks later, Sean becomes the new Drift King and who comes riding along next to him is none other than Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel from the first film) who says that Han was a close friend of his back in the U.S. The film ends with another fucking race.

"Ok where's my paycheck for this fucking cameo?"

So how does this movie stack up? It's stupid, pointless and predictable. The characters are stereotypes, the plot is over-formulaic, nothing is ever explained, there were so many fucking montages and this is a rip off of The fucking Karate Kid!

Of course this franchise is shit to begin with and quite frankly I do not understand the popularity of these films. My only guess is that this is the closest thing to porn that gear heads can get to since they do not have Top Gear here in America. Not to mention the way the women in this film are portrayed in all of these films. They are either "the prize," "the whore," or "the other guy."

Good God, I'd never thought I would encounter a remake of The Karate Kid with Drift Racing in Tokyo.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm your Movie Bitch...because somebody has to be!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!



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