Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Driven To Insanity…Then To Kill, In No Particular Order

Happy Steven Seagal Month!

 Good God here we go...

That is what I would be saying if I wasn’t reviewing the very best of the very worst in Steven Seagal films. Before I dive into this week’s review, let’s hear a few facts about the man shall we:

  • He’s an accomplished martial arts master in the art of Akido, a martial art more concerned with breaking bones and balls as opposed to style.

  • Seagal also serves as a deputy sheriff of his hometown Jefferson Parish County, Louisiana. This is evidenced by the show Lawman, which coincidentally is also entitled A Day In The Life Of Steven Seagal.

  • He is also known as Chungdrag Dorje, Albs Oft, Takeshigemichi. I wish I was making this shit up folks.

So let’s see how this straight to shit DVD has Driven me to insanity.

So the film starts out with Ruslan Drachev who is a former Russian mobster and now spends his days writing pulp fiction novels. Drachev is played by none other than…Steven Seagal. Ok here are the main issues with this:

 Wow, he's really Russian! He's got the phone and the ponytail to prove it!

 Steven Seagal is not RUSSIAN!!!! He is AMERICAN!!! That’s like saying Tom Hanks is playing the role of an African-American slave! The fact that Seagal plays a Russian mobster is pretty fucking racist in it of itself for that matter! Are you fucking kidding me!? You couldn’t get a Russian actor to play an honest to God Russian Mobster?! What about that guy in Night Watch?! He would be perfect or the guy that played Drago in Rocky IV?!

 On second thought…Dolph Lungdren is actually Swedish. It really wouldn’t work. He would be talking about making delicious meatballs or something.

Anyway, Drachev is contacted by his ex-wife who tells him that his estranged daughter is getting married. Of course she is getting married to the son of a rival mobster. So Seagal…sorry I meant Drachev packs his bags and heads to Russia…no wait he heads to Jersey.

 Not this Jersey, the other one.

So anyway, Drachev is concerned that his daughter Lanie is marrying Stephan but his ex-wife Catherine brushes off his concerns. Of course Catherine also mentions that her new and wealthy fuck toy Terry Goldstein (God this movie is trying so hard to be racist) is a horrible prick. So as everyone else leaves for the wedding, Lanie and Catherine get stabbed. Catherine of course dies, but Lanie is expected to make a recovery. This sends Drachev into action.

 This is the only form of action Seagal knows...

Drachev meets with the police officers who tell him that it appeared to be an attempted robbery, but Drachev knows this is a load of shit and decides to dispense justice his own way. Did I forget to mention that guy Lanie was marrying also happened to be the son of the boss of Drachev worked for 20 years ago? Well it doesn’t matter because it’s a Steven Seagal movie and the only reason anybody watches these films is to see him beat the shit out of people in hilariously unimaginable and implausible ways.

 Justice: The Steven Seagal Way...

After Drachev does some detective work on his own, he figures out that Mikhail, his former boss was behind the attack and Terry was also working with him. Catherine was killed because she was going to blow the whistle on their whole operation that they had going which I had no fucking idea what it was because it was never mentioned! The reason Mikhail tried to attempt murder is a pretty stupid one at that, his son did not want to be a mobster!

Ok if your kid does not want to follow in your footsteps, GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!!

Anyway, Drachev promises to Terry and Mikhail that he will get his revenge by kicking their asses and the asses of the henchmen. Yup that’s the movie in a nutshell, Steven Seagal kicking copious amounts of ass in New Jersey. This is the entire movie. Of course Steven Seagal wins and his daughter recovers and the wedding goes on as planned.

This is the whole movie...really.

Here is something that I would like to mention in all of this:


I mean it’s really that simple. All of this could have been avoided if Drachev just simply turned in Mikhail and placed himself and his entire family in the Federal Witness Protection Program. It’s not that fucking hard! His ex-wife wouldn’t have died and his daughter wouldn’t have had to get stabbed in the first place!

So what did I think of Driven To Kill?

This movie is crap, just like most of Seagal’s later work. At least in the early days, Seagal’s films were fun to watch because they were hilariously bad. This movie was just bad. The plot is the same formulaic bullshit in every action film, the acting is bad at best and the entire movie is nothing but fighting and Seagal breaking everyone’s balls. Not to mention the DVD cover for this film has the plot all wrong! The mobsters killed his ex-wife not his daughter! Not to mention, Steven Seagal is not Russian! I cannot stress this enough!

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I’m the Movie Bitch…because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

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