Sunday, September 19, 2010

Fire Down Below: The Film Title That Lends Itself To Fart Jokes

As I continue through Steven Seagal Month, we take a look at one of his later box office failures simply known as Fire Down Below (not to be confused with the 1957 film of the same name, believe me this is not a remake).

 This film looks ten times better than the Seagal one, even though its a porno.

A movie in which Steven Seagal plays an EPA Agent, which is slightly more plausible than a Former Russian Mobster and yes, as with any Steven Seagal film, there will be lots and lots of ass kicking.

I just love the look on Marg Helgenberger's face in this poster. It's clear that she did not want to be in this shit fest.

So let's take a look at this fire blast from the ass shall we?

So the movie starts out with toxins being dumped into the abandoned mines which is causing environmental havoc. Unfortunately the locals in Kentucky are aware of this and fearing the loss of their jobs in the mines because of the corrupt and powerful mine owners, there is nothing they can do.

Enter Steven Seagal, I mean EPA CID Agent Jack Taggart.

You can tell he works for the EPA by the tacky motorcycle jacket.

Taggart is sent to investigate the situation after his colleague was discovered dead. Of course in any Seagal film, there is no such thing as accidents. Anyway, it is discovered that Hanner Coal Company's owner Orin Hanner Sr. (Kris Kristofferson no! WHY?! You deserve so much better than this), is being paid to dump those nasty toxins that fuck up the environment. Looks like Haliburton has been busy before Bush Jr. took office.

So in order to blend in to his assigned small town Taggart, get this, goes undercover as a volunteer at the local church. Steven Seagal working in the house of God is like saying Lady Gaga works as a Wal-Mart Greeter, its just implausible!

Even Jesus thinks he looks terrible in his jacket and Jesus is the one that's hanging free ballin' on the freaking cross!

Anyway, as Taggart is investigating, he finds that the water in the area is contaminated in which he somehow finds himself in a Marijuana field. Yeah, just roll with it. So he finds the growers and beats the shit out of them of course, but then tells them that he has no interest in arresting them. Uh, Taggart, you just enforced uncalled for brutality on a bunch of Marijuana farmers with no intent of arresting them anyway. You could lose your job for that. Just pointing that out.

"Shhhh! I am concentrating! I am trying to turn this water into Sprite!"

So after kicking the Marijuana Farmer's asses, Taggart finds himself into more trouble as the men responsible for the previous EPA Agent's death has spotted Taggart and tries to blow his cover by having another action sequence which involves more ball breaking Akido moves, two rattlesnakes, and a pick up truck crashing while Taggart escapes.

The EPA: Kicking environmental ass one person at a time!

In the middle of all of this Seagal Action, Taggart somehow manages to find the time to strike up a relationship with Sarah (The chick from the original CSI). Of course she is an outcast in the small town because she was accused but never convicted of her father's murder even though her brother Earl was the one responsible. That's nice, he managed to strike up a relationship with a girl who has a psychotic older brother. What the fuck am I saying this is Steven Seagal after all, I'm sure he can take care of the situation.

"So I hear that you are into forensics and that you brother is batshit insane. Mmmmmm, you're sexy."

Anyway, Crazy Earl is none to pleased with their relationship and then sets the church on fire killing the kins preacher that was helping Taggart and the other miners including Earl himself. Of course Taggart gets trapped but then escapes because he's Steve Fucking Seagal dammit, it's his movie.

And if you don't let Seagal have his way, he will break your balls!

Eventually, he convinces Sarah to testify against Hanner Sr. (probably after some awkward sex on Seagal's part) and she is eventually taken into Protective FBI custody. Unfortunately these agents turn out to be corrupt and Taggart kills one of them and then sends the second one back to Orin to let him know that the mother fucker is coming to cut his cracker ass.

Of course Orin gets arrested and charged, but he gets a slap on the wrist and is let go. So this causes Taggart to go back to Jackson and after and epic battle with Orin Jr.'s thugs, he finally convinces Orin Jr. to testify against his dad by beating the crap out of him.

Afterwards, Taggart finds Orin Sr. in Las Vegas and apprehends him but before he can do that, they have yet another fight in which Orin Sr. produces a gun from his ass I guess, but then gets shot in the shoulder by Taggart.

After Orin Sr. is arrested, Taggart goes back to Jackson to be reunited with Sarah and more awkward sex ensues.

So how was Fire Down Below?

It's not as bad as Driven To Kill but that's not saying much. The plot is pretty much the standard Seagal fare but it tries really hard to have an environmental message, which gets lost amidst all of the violence and explosions in this film. Yes what a great way to send an environmental message about using more healthier and sustainable energy, by having Steven Seagal beat the shit out of people. I mean what actual EPA Agent's job description includes "beating the shit out of environmental violators?"

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch... because somebody has to be!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!


  1. I mean what actual EPA Agent's job description includes "beating the shit out of environmental violators?"

    Well, he isn't actually an EPA Agent... but Capt. Planet did some ass kicking in his day. :P

    I imagine that Seagal's sex scenes are similar to Joe Don Baker's. Oh, shit... wait, no I don't imagine that! My brain!

  2. Thanks, I will need some brain bleach to get that image out of my head.

    You are right about Captain Planet though. At least Captain Planet had good intentions and they did try to give an environmental message, though you have to admit the execution was not really good. At least it's better than this film.