Monday, May 31, 2010

Singles...The Quintessential Film of Gen-Xers

Well folks, this is the end of Gen-X Month as today is Memorial Day. So what have we learned as I have given a verbal ass beating to Threesome and Reality Bites and somehow managed to somewhat spare Empire Records the same abuse that I laid down? For one thing, Threesome was extremely campy, therefore, the film has some redeeming qualities, Reality Bites is easily one of the worst films of the 90's (although maybe I'm being a little unfair, since there have probably been worse, but you have to admit, the film is really annoying as hell) and Empire Records is an example of what happens when you let the studios fuck up a great premise for a film, therefore wasting the potential of film that could have been good (or somewhat plausible).

So now let's take a trip back to the film that started this whole Gen-X Film craze in the first place...Singles.


This poster is also responsible for the gritty grunge movie poster reboots that came afterwards.

This is the film that helped propel the Seattle Grunge Movement in the 90's into the mainstream for good and bad reasons. First of all, the music in this film is fantastic (for the most part) and it helped expose the audience to a lot of bands that appeared in the film such as Soundgarden, Pearl Jam and Alice In Chains. The good thing about the film helping to propel the Grunge Music movement was the exposure that these bands got. The bad things about this film was that it also aided in commercializing the sub-culture of Grunge and made Grunge into a fashion trend, something that late Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain detested greatly. In fact it was reported that he hated this film with a passion. There is also one other bad thing that came out of the popularity of this film, but I will point it out in the end...I promise.

So anyway, let's get into the review shall we?


The film starts out with Janet Livermore (played by Bridget Fonda) who works as a barista. She is fawning over Cliff Poncier a possibly shitty local musician with the most pretentious name ever heard in film (played by an extremely hairy Matt Dillion). Poor Janet tries to woo the musician but he is more interested in his band Citizen Dick (which includes the members of Pearl Jam as his backing band and coincidently is also another band named after the function of an erect penis and the discharge it releases. Too much for you to imagine, good, because this is exactly how I felt when I saw Stephen Baldwin's naked ass! Now you will need brain bleach to get that image out of your head), and fake supermodel-like women that are way out of his league.

Janet: Is is just me or does your hair smell like weed?
Cliff: Huh?

So Cliff, being the pretentious ass that he is says that things are not working out between him and Janet. Janet is understandably distraught and decides to wax philosophical on why men are such assholes or in particular why Cliff is such an asshole.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Cliff Poncier, a real class act. By the way what the fuck is up with the portrait on the right side of this image. That portrait really likes to watch people having sex.

On the other side of the spectrum is Steve (Campbell Scott) and Linda (Kyra Sedgewick, Kevin Bacon's future wife) a couple who is trying to reassess whether or not they should stay together. Steve's best friend of course is Janet (remember this for later because this is important). Steve and Linda go through a series of discussions and conversations which will determine whether they stay together or not. At first they decide to do a trial separation. While they both strike out (well not exactly because Steve runs into Janet and hits on her, but she is interested in Dr. Jeffery Jamison (Bill Pullman, yes THE Bill Pullman from Spaceballs)), they decide to go home separately. Then Linda finds out that she is pregnant with Steve's child (oh shit, this sounds like an episode of Maury waiting to happen). Steve is shocked, but he decides to try and fix things with Linda. Of course he and Linda were driving to the doctor's office when a car hit them from behind which later on at the doctor's office, Linda finds out that she has lost the baby. Strangely enough, this brings Steve and Linda closer together and brings them back together.

Steve: So are you all set to appear on this week's Maury Povich?

While this was happening, Cliff and his band Citizen Dick were getting ready for a performance at Vogue (why they would name a Grunge Club after a Madonna Song is beyond me). Of course they get into a disagreement about creative differences (this is how a lot of great bands break up by the way) while enjoying cameos from Alice In Chains and Soundgarden among many other notable musicians from the Seattle music scene.


Eddie Vedder: Dude! The gig starts in three hours and you haven't rehearsed at all?!
Cliff: Shhhhh! I'm trying to remember the lyrics to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!

Of course when you have Matt Dillion fronting a band

I can get laid cause I got long hair and a goatee! The 90's is going to be awesome!

with members of Pearl Jam...

Seriously! Who the fuck names a Grunge Club after a Madonna song?!

You are guaranteed that it is going to be shit for the most part.

The film then goes back to Janet and her date with Jefferey. Of course things don't really work out because there really is no chemistry. So Janet decides that she is better off single and pays Steve a visit to see how he is doing. After she and Steve exchange quips and witty conversation, Steve kisses her. They both realize that they have been attracted to one another, but also acknowledge the fact that they can't be together due to the circumstances that surround them.

In the end, Steve and Linda get back together and Janet and Cliff run into each other in the elevator and decide to give their relationship another go after Cliff apologizes to Janet and says "kazuntite" after Janet sneezes.

Simply put, this film is the best of the Gen-X films that came out of the 90's. Reality Bites and Threesome were imitators of this film which those films were terrible by all accounts. All of the characters act like normal human beings and go through the same issues as everyone else. They are all relate-able and even though Cliff is an ass at the beginning of the film, he eventually realizes the error of his ways and re prioritizes what is more important in his life, which shows growth and maturity in his character. The music as I mentioned previously is fantastic and really captures the Grunge era perfectly. In fact this film is one of the best reference films for the 90's and its actually the most realistic of all the Gen-X films n terms of characters and plot.

However, there is one other really bad thing that came out of this film and it has plagued Cameron Crowe and millions of people alike since this film became a success. Warner Bros. wanted to turn Singles into a television series. When Cameron Crowe heard about this, he absolutely hated the idea and said that he was not interested (I have to give him credit on that call). In a dick move worthy of a lot of the worst dick moves in history, Warner Bros. decided to go through with the idea. They hired a new writing and directing team and produced one of the worst abominations known to mankind in the history of civilization...

The servants of the Devil.

That's right, Singles is solely responsible for the most annoying, biggest piece of shit that humanity has ever produced...Friends. Now do you understand why the 90's was a really shitty decade for Film and TV?

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth.





Sunday, May 23, 2010

Empire Records...Do Not Confuse With Darth Vader's Hip-Hop Electro Funk Label

Okay, so I managed to get through Reality Bites without vomiting and managed to bleach my brain free of images of Stephen Baldwin's naked ass. The next Gen-X film that I put to the test to see if it can survive my verbal beating is Empire Records.

Featuring the stereotypes of the Angsty Punk Chick, the Slutty Girl, the Overachieveing Bookworm, the Zen-Neo Wannabe, the Annoying Stoner, the Sensitive Douchey Artist, the Rockstar Wannabe, the Washed Up Pop Idol and the Frustrated but Lovable Store Manager who looks like he hit the catering table one time too many on the set in between takes.

I know what you're thinking, "Movie Bitch, this movie is shit! How can it be better than Reality Bites and Threesome?" Dear Reader, you are correct in saying that Empire Records is shit, but as I much as I hate to admit it, I actually like this movie. I will have to explain a little bit of the background workings of this film so that people can understand what I'm talking about.

This movie was actually meant to be 40 minutes longer and it was also severely edited in post-production, making the story of the film taking place in one day instead of two, which would've made more sense. Not only that, some of the more interesting scenes in the film were also cut out of the final version in Post-Editing. Essentially, this film had the potential to be a decent comedy at best if the 40 minutes had not been edited out and if the film was not severely edited and mismanaged by the studio.

So sit back, put on your headphones and have some of those special brownies ready because here is the Movie Bitch's take on Empire Records.

The movie starts out with Lucas (Rory Cochrane) closing the store for the first time. He goes into Joe's (Anthony LaPaglia) drawer to grab the money bag so that he can deposit the money when he notices the plans for Empire Records to be turned into a Music Town. Lucas, having the money in his hands decides that the only way he can save Empire Records if he goes to Atlantic City to make his fortune.

"I am the chosen one...whoa."

Okay, taking the store's deposit money to gamble in Atlantic City is not a bright idea at all. In fact it is very stupid. Couldn't he have just waited until the next morning to ask Joe about this and figured that they could throw a bake sale or something? Anyway, Lucas was doing well at the gambling table making more money than he had before until he loses it all.

"Oh shit, I should have taken the Blue Pill."

The next morning A.J. (Johnny Whitworth) and Mark (Ethan Embry) find Lucas passed out on his motorcycle. They both quickly realize that Lucas has fucked big time and when Joe asks them about the missing money, Mark and A.J. pretend like they know nothing about it. To make matters worse, it's Rex Manning Day at the store in which all of the employees in the record store are not excited to meet him except for Corey (Liv Tyler, the hot Elf from The Lord of the Rings franchise and Steven Tyler from Aerosmith's daughter). Of course Corey plans to lose her virginity to him and her BFF, Gina (a much hotter version of Renee Zewellger) encourages Corey in her pursuit.

Okay, here are a few things that are wrong in that sentence. Number 1, I would not advise anyone to lose their virginity to some douche they don't know very well, let alone being some washed up pop singer. I am looking at you Rick Astley. Number 2, Rex Manning is not that good looking. I mean if I were to lose my virginity to a musician or a band it would have to be these guys...

If possible, I would love to have sex with all four of them at the same time. The Movie Bitch can only dream.

Mitchell Beck (Ben Bode), the music store's owner, arrives to pick up the money, but Joe buys him and everyone else time by giving him the bag full of receipts. Deb (Robin Tunney), another employee arrives at the same time as this is occurring. She quickly walks into the bathroom and shaves off all of her hair.


To be fair, the Sinead O'Connor look was in at the time, the 90's were a very confusing decade apparently.

After Deb walks out of the bathroom, A.J. notices that she has bandages around her wrist and admits to him that she tried to kill herself. It's also revealed later on that Berko (Coyote Shivers) another employee and local (presumably crappy) musician has broken up with Deb, although she "claims" that her suicide attempt had nothing to do with the breakup. Great, this chick is the reason why we have a bunch of whiny emo kids making shitty music.

Also there is some kid named Warren (Brendon Sexton III) that was apprehended by Lucas for shoplifting some pretty shitty music, but he won't be important until later on.

Anyway, Rex "Douchebag" Manning comes in to the store and pretty much treats everyone like shit. Corey demands that she serves Rex his lunch and gets to since Joe is afraid of her banshee yell. So Corey decides to seduce Rex as she is giving him lunch by taking off her top.

This is the kind of thing LOTR Fanboys have been waiting for. Peter Jackson is such as cocktease.

Of course Rex makes a crude pass at her and Corey runs away crying in embarrassment.

Once again, she would have had a much better time with Depeche Mode...wait, what the fuck am I saying! Fuck Corey! These guys are my Happy Ending!

While Corey is depressed, A.J. who has the worst timing in the world, tells Corey that he loves her though Corey is unable to process the information because she is forever mentally scarred by Douchebag Manning.

Later on, Corey confronts Gina and tells her that she is nothing like her and she doesn't need to be sexual to attract guys. Offended and hurt, Gina sets out to hurt Corey by seducing Douchebag Manning.

By singing a song from Chicago as Roxy Hart!

Gina finally seduces Rex to the horror of all of her friends and the viewer because seriously, that guy must have like what Crabs or Syphilis or something or maybe Gonorrhea. Anyway, A.J. punches Douchebag (finally) but Douchebag hits him back. Then some more Gen-X melodrama bullshit goes down as Gina reveals that Corey has a speed habit and Corey calls Gina a slut and has a mental breakdown. Of course Joe sends Gina home to calm down and Deb surprisingly actually comforts and takes pity on Corey, while she's pissing on a toilet...real classy Deb.

In order to repay Deb's kindness, Corey decides to hold a mock funeral for Deb (yep, Deb is the one responsible for the emo shit that's going around). Everyone says nice things about Deb and Lucas reveals that Joe rescued him from the orphanage as a teenager and to repay Joe he took a job at the record store. Deb then says that she tried to kill herself using a disposable razor with a moisture strip, typical emo kid.

Then Warren, (remember him) comes in with a gun to hold up the store and Deb stops him by distracting him.

With great baldness, comes great responsibility.

Joe then tells Warren that the reason why he came back was identified with everyone in the store and felt a kinship with them. Joe offers Warren a job, only if temporary as Lucas and Joe are ready to admit defeat until Mark gets a bright idea. He runs outside to the news reporter that is covering the robbery live and announces that there will be a benefit party to help save the store.

Mark's idea of a party involves Special Brownies, screaming like a maniac and acting just plain fucking awesome.

So the block party goes off without a hitch, the gang raise enough money to save the store and A.J. and Corey finally get together and everyone else pretty much gets laid. The fucking End.

So how does this movie fare compared to Threesome and Reality Bites? The movie still sucks, but it is incredibly endearing and charming in it's own right. I mean this film had the potential to be a decent comedy, but because the studios intervened and edited the crap out of this film, the film became an example of wasted potential, meaning that it could have been a great film if you let the director have more control of the editing process.

Of course the plot was predictable and pretty hard to follow considering that there were so many fucking storylines tossed in together that had to be resolved in one day which made the film seemed rushed and poorly put together. If it had spanned to two days as opposed to one, the film would have been more plausible and would've made more sense.

The acting in this film was a hit or miss. The young actors in the film were great, but I couldn't say the same thing for LaPaglia's performance. He seemed to be doing it just for the paycheck. Of course some of the actors, notably Cochrane, Tunney, Embry, Tyler, Zellwegger and LaPaglia went on to achieve greater fame and success.

The music in this film is fan-fucking-tastic and could easily rival Singles and most other films any day of the week. In fact, the soundtrack and the music in the film is actually the only thing that saved Empire Records from receiving a more verbal ass beating from me.


Still, this movie could have been great and we would have seen a small glimpse of future emo whiny bitch in training Spiderman Tobey Maguire, had his scene had not been cut out along with the rest of the 40 minutes of the film. Ladies and Gentlemen this is what happens when a somewhat decent premise for a teen comedy gets in the hands of idiot studio heads, this is an example of Wasted Potential.


My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...Because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!




By the way, what the fuck is up with Renee Zellwegger's arms in this scene?




















Sunday, May 16, 2010

Threesome...A Menagois Train Wreck

You know, reviewing films and making fun of them is my favorite past time and it's really a lot of fun, especially when I provide laughter and smiles to the people who read the blog posts that I put up...well hopefully anyway. Last week, for the beginning of May's Gen-X Month, I reviewed Reality Bites. I gave my verdict on Reality Bites in saying that it is the worst of the Gen-X films that came out in the 90's. Most of you may disagree with me on this regard and say that Threesome was the worst. I beg to differ. For one thing, I can agree with someone in which if the movie poster for a film looked like this...

Josh Charles's horse face gives Phoebe Cates' horse face in Drop Dead Fred a run for its money.


Yeah, I would agree with that person and say, "Yes, this film looks like complete shit." In fact it does and it really is shit. But this said shit is unintentionally hilarious which makes a slight notch better than Reality Bites. The film starts out with Stuart (Josh Charles) a shy bookworm who meets film student Eddy (Stephen Baldwin, the brother that all of the Baldwins do not like to talk about). You know that previous sentence that I just typed makes me tear my fucking eyes out! I'm sorry but Stephen Baldwin as a film student in a movie is just as credible as Vanilla Ice. Anyway, Stuart meets Eddy and immediately falls in love with him. Then Alex (played by Lara Flynn Boyle, who was really fucking hot in this movie, but then turned into Skeletor after she joined The Practice) a sexy lady, moves into the dorm with the boys due to a mistake with the Registrar thanks to her gender neutral name (shit I thought FAU was bad).


Eddy: Yo, we should ask Alex if she has any pot.
Stuart: Dude, I'm trying to remember the recipe for those special brownies and for the sesame cake that you stole from my fridge last night.
Eddy: Oh sorry, my bad, I was really fucking high, man!

So Stuart, Eddy and Alex begin spending time together and become the closest BFF's you have ever seen OMFG!!!!! They do some really awesome stuff like this:

Alex: OMFG! I'm tripping balls right now!
Eddy: I thought you had a vagina man!
Stuart: Dude, that's awesome!


They also take pictures together in the semi-gayest poses ever!! OMFG!!!!!!:

Stuart: Alex, your rib is crushing my hand!
Alex: Shut the fuck up, you're such a twat!
Eddy: OMG! Would you two shut the fuck up! I'm trying to get a photo for soon to be failed film and acting career portfolio!

Things begin to get complicated when Alex begins falling in love with Stuart, but Stuart is in love with Eddy, in which Eddy is in love with Alex. Okay this convoluted, melodramatic Gen-X bullshit actually sounds vaguely familiar...

So apparently Stephanie Meyer decided to rip off a shitty Gen-X film from the 90's in order to write an equally shitty series of novels. I take it that Taylor Lautner is getting an orgasm just pretending that he's porking Taylor Swift's ass as opposed to Kristen Stewart's.


Not to mention it actually has the fucking audacity to attempt to pay tribute to Jules Et Jim, one of the greatest films ever made about love and relationships. Stephen fucking Baldwin has the balls to even mention the film in this piece of shit. You know a movie is fucked when you have a man whose biggest highlights of his entire career consisted of a bit part in The Usual Suspects and hosting Scare Tactics for the first few seasons and being the founder of an extreme sports sect of Christianity mention a classic film such as Jules Et Jim as a fucking film student! This should have not even fucking happened at all! Was Matt Damon not available at the time or Ben Affleck? You know when I say that I would rather see Ben Affleck's stupid ass in a film as opposed to Stephen Baldwin's, yeah this movie truly fucked in so many horrible, unimaginable ways. Anyway, after Alex fails to seduce Stuart (didn't Stuart and Eddy's "hiking" trips give you any clue as to Stuart's sexual orientation), she runs to Eddy for comfort and as luck would have it, Alex and Eddy fuck each other's brains out. Of course Stuart is not too happy about this when he finds out mainly because Alex got to ride on Eddy's disco stick (I'm pretty sure Stuart would know what to do with it better than Alex would have anyway at this point). Anyway, the three fight and scream at each other and then eventually calm down and settle their differences and have lunch together...oh wait that doesn't happen, what really happens is that all three of them fucked each other. AT THE SAME TIME!!!!

I am going to need more than just Clorox Brain Bleach to wash the horrifying and potentially life scarring image of Stephen Baldwin's naked ass out of my head.

Is this the fucking threesome that this movie was building up to?! I mean at least the movie poster was honest about it, but if you just wanted your three actors to just have a threesome then the movie should have been devoted to just threesomes the entire time. I mean this film had the low production quality of a porno anyway and I'm more than certain that they hired George Lucas to punch up the dialog a bit. That's the thing, the entire time I watched this film, I felt like I was watching a porno with a plot, which is two things that should not even appear in the same sentence at all because the idea is so awful. This is like the kind of porn that is considered safe for everyone, but it is so awful. It's not even on the same level of erotica, I can't even call this shit erotica, it is that bad! So after they have a threesome, Alex goes through a pregnancy scare which forces the group to drift apart because Alex is not sure who the father is (good god, if Stephen Baldwin's sperm somehow made it into Lara Flynn Boyle's egg, humanity is truly fucked). Of course there is nothing to worry about because Alex got her first period! After the end of the semester Alex moves out and gets an appartment for herself, Eddy moves out and gets himself into a stable relationship (NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! The Stephen Baldwin Sperms will enter in his new girlfriend's egg and doom all of humanity!!!!!!!), and Stuart finally lands himself a nice boyfriend (apparently Edward Cullen did go to college at some point...). Of course the three have drifted apart since then, but they meet once in while to eat lunch. In the end, they did not regret the very special friendship they have, despite the fact that they drifted apart after having a threesome.

This movie is horrible by all accounts and it is so shitty, but how is it better than Reality Bites you may ask? Well this film has a few things going for it, I mean at least the characters are somewhat likable in their own little way, though that's not saying very much and Stuart is actually the most sympathetic out of all of the characters because you as the viewer do genuinely want everything to turn out for him, I mean it does at the end, but I really can't say I had the same pity for everyone else. The acting is not too bad, although it's an automatic minus 300 points when Stephen Baldwin opens his mouth at any point in any film, let alone star in it, and to be fair this movie is simply enjoyable based on the fact that it is so fucking campy. Reality Bites was obnoxious and it tried so hard to be funny and hip and it just falls flat on its ass. At least this film was unintentionally funny and it did try to be good, although it failed horribly, but it still tried. In all honesty I can't really say the same for Reality Bites in this context.

The other aspects that make this film so shitty, well everything else. I mean the plot is god awful. The entire buildup of the plot is basically the three of them having a threesome and the entire story was so predictable that I can even tell 15 minutes into the movie a threesome was going to ensue later on in the film. Of course they stopped being friends after the fact too, if they were really as close as the film made them out to be, I mean there would awkwardness after the fact for a long time, but they still wouldn't stop being friends, that's really horrible in that perspective. It's like telling the audience that "See this why threesomes are bad! They ruin friendships!" Well as odd as this sounds, some people actually feel much closer to others after they have had a threesome or remain friends after the fact. So that idea that is being presented in the film is not really fair to audience members who actually engage in that type of lifestyle in a responsible manner and the film's message is actually meant to punish those audience members for even being involved in that type of lifestyle which is really fucked up.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...Because somebody has to be!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!





Sunday, May 9, 2010

Reality Bites...Really Bites Hard

Well since I have recently graduated college with my Bachelor's in Film and Multimedia Studies, I feel that I should point out that while in the midst of one of the worst recessions since the Great Depression and the 1970s (Thank You Dubya, you did one hell of a job), I should point out that it is going to be hard to find a job out there in whatever field you choose. With that said, there is one film in mind which brings this reality true to life than Up In The Air...oh wait I'm not reviewing that movie am I? Wait...are you fucking serious?! I HAVE TO REVIEW REALITY BITES?! GOD DAMMIT!

Oh yes Realty Bites, good fucking god.

Yes, I am talking about this movie:
This faux Gen-X wannabe film is a piece of shit and for some reason it is inexplicably popular among the college crowd to this very day and even Gen-Xers look at this film with pure nostalgia. Well, I grew up in the late 80's, the entirety of what the fuck the 90s was about and even the 2000s (yes this really reveals my age now doesn't it and yes I was born in 1987 so technically I grew up in the late 80s). At any rate, I understood the point that the film was trying to make in the sense that these were recent college graduates who were struggling to fit into adulthood and adjust to the idea of having to get jobs and not hang out at the coffee shop every fucking day of their lives.

One of the many tools of the Devil, including the TV Series Friends

The entire synopsis of the film is essentially the time tested formula for every Gen-X film in the 90's about college age people:


We all have problems...and we're fucking pretty!

Pretty White Kids With Problems. This Phenomenon started in the 90's and was a mainstay of the decade. Films and TV Shows such as Singles ( a far superior film about Gen-Xers in my opinion), Clueless (though I see it more as a satirization of the California rich girl lifestyle),Beverly Hills 90210 and reached its zenith with the uber pretentious and uber annoying as fuck, Dawson's Creek.

So the entire film starts out with a group of friends named Lalaina (Wynona Ryder), Troy (Ethan Hawke), Vickie (Jeanine Garafalo) and Sammy (Steve Zahn) who have recently graduated from college. Lalaina is a filmmaker (wow I can already relate to this girl and her hair is short like mine) who decides to make a documentary about her friends and herself and their lives together...hmmm looks like she ripped off the Real World.

Although to be fair, she was in Beetlejuice and that movie was fucking awesome!

While she's doing this, she tries to find a job in the meantime that is suited to her career, but finds nothing to no avail. While Sammy and Vickie were pretty lucky to find work, Lalaina and Troy were not so lucky, but not that Troy gives a shit.

The next song we will perform tonight is Achy Breaky Heart...but we will do so with IRONY!

Yes one of our "heroes" is in a shitty grunge band and pretty much does nothing at all. In fact, he contributes nothing to paying the rent and does not have a job. What he does is sit there in his room, writes shitty music, waxes philosophical on bullshit that only he and other idiot slackers like himself believe in and in general fucks girls with bad tattoos.

Uh Lalaina...I ate your sesame cake...sorry.

Basically, Troy is the equivalent of a parasite that feeds off the host while infecting them in the process. Since Lalaina is depressed about not being able to find work after she gets laid off from her job, she decides to call this 1-900 line for guidance which sky rockets the telephone bill, which pisses off Sammy and Vickie understandably so. So Lalaina decides to hustle some money from people at the gas station filling up their gas using her...stepfather's gas card. Okay, that does not make any fucking sense whatsoever. Why the fuck would anybody use their parents' gas card and then have people pay you to fill up their gas, while putting your parents in debt. In fact I take anything remotely good about Lalaina back. This girl is a fucking dumbass! She may have been a valedictorian at her Texas college, but goddamn! This girl is a fucking selfish, dumbass!

Anyway, they go through the usual formulaic Gen-X melodrama that is in every college-age film that was ever released in the 90's and then Lalaina meets probably the only decent straight guy in the entire fucking film:

Ladies and Gentlemen...Ben Stiller, the guy who got his dick stuck in a zipper in There's Something About Mary.

Ah Ben Stiller, you did such interesting, funny and dark films in the 90's. What the fuck are you doing in this movie? Wait a minute...he directed this piece of shit?! Yes dear reader, you read that last sentence correctly, Ben Stiller co-wrote and directed this piece of shit. Although to give him credit, he's not that bad in this movie. He's not annoying and awkward in any way and is actually likable. So a budding romance starts between Lalaina and Ben Stiller (I didn't even bother looking up his character's name in the film so let's call him Ben Stiller for now) which pisses Troy off. While this romance is budding, more melodrama and Gen-X bullshit ensues and then Troy and Lalaina get into another fight as usual. The whole movie is trying to get the viewer to side with Troy, even if he is such an asshole because he truly belongs with Lalaina and she doesn't belong with Ben Stiller, she belongs with Troy.

This is the thing that really bugs me about this fucking film. Lalaina finds herself a decent guy like Ben Stiller, but the viewer is supposed to hate him, even though he treats her like a queen and even helps her get her documentary off the ground and even gives her a chance to turn it into a TV show. Basically, Ben Stiller is the best thing that has happened to her in this entire film and the viewer is supposed to hate him and side with Troy. What the fuck is that all about!?

So Lalaina goes to the party with Ben Stiller to show off her documentary and kick start her career in television in which Troy utters the funniest thing I have heard in the entire film about Lalaina's dress, "You look like a doily." Which in all honesty, I have to side with him on this one, she does look like a giant doily, ready to fly away. Of course, poor Ben Stiller, being the sweet guy compliments her and her dress.

Of course the rest of the film is the typical romantic comedy bullshit cliche that you can think of and Ben Stiller fucks up one time, while Troy has fucked up so many times and Lalaina ends up fucking Troy when he seduces her with sweet talk and then leaves her the next morning. Ben and Troy try to fix the damage they had done but Lalaina is not having any of it. So she leaves both of them in the street. I understand ditching Troy, but why ditch Ben Stiller, I mean he's a decent guy who just fucked up that one time.

The only thing that is remotely redeeming about this entire film is Vicke and Sammy. They are the only characters in the entire film that behave like normal fucking people. Sammy is homosexual and when he comes out to his mother, things don't turn out very well and you feel bad for the poor guy. Vickie of course thinks she has AIDS and turns out she doesn't, but you feel bad for her because she was scared and felt alone. I mean aside from these two characters and Ben Stiller, they are the only redeemable things about this entire film...oh wait, there is one more thing I forgot to mention:
MITCHELL!!!!!!!!


Yes, the Joe Don Baker is in this film. This guy cannot avoid appearing in such shit such as this. Of course he has a cameo in the film, but they are memorable for the fact that he starred in shit such as Congo and Mitchell. Of course Lalaina ends up with Troy in the end, which sends a horrible message to girls that the asshole that treats you like shit only does it because he loves you. Of course we have seen that trope so many times including the Twatlight...I mean Twilight Saga.

Overall, this movie is complete and utter shit. I get the point they were trying to make, but the execution was horrible and only three of the characters in the film were actually sympathetic rather than the leads, because quite frankly, the leads are a bunch of pretentious, selfish, pompous slackers who are the biggest fucking idiots imaginable. I will conclude this review with the most insufferable scene in any film that I have ever seen, rape the shit out of one of my favorite songs. Watch at your own risk.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth.