Sunday, June 27, 2010

Glitter: The Herpes of The Cinematic World

That's right folks! The long awaited review of Glitter is finally here. What did I think of one of the worst cinematic abominations of all time? Well the movie is exactly that. This film sends nightmares to those who have had the misfortune to see it. In fact this is probably one of the films that was used to torture inmates at Guantanamo Bay (and trust me they have used a lot of things to torture inmates, but this qualifies as one of the worst). As my dear readers may remember, I made a post in April that Glitter was so difficult to get through that I couldn't even finish it the first time around. Well I gave the film a second chance and let me tell you dear readers, it is still a piece of shit. At any rate let's get on with the review.

God even this porno of the same name is an Oscar-worthy masterpiece compared to Glitter.

Sorry, again I have a lot of issues with getting the right movie poster. Fuck You Google Images!

On second thought...I would rather watch the porno.

So the movie starts out with Billie Frank (Mariah Carey) and her mom hanging out at a Jazz Club. Why a mother would let her child come to an adult club to hear her sing instead of getting a babysitter is beyond me but I digress this movie is shit so let's move along now shall we. So anyway, Lillie (Billie's mom, how original on the name by the way) tries to ruse the crowd up with a song by having Billie joining her. Of course this doesn't work as little girl Billie is also a terrible singer too and her mom gets fired. Yes even before Mariah Carey was a superstar, she was still ruining the lives of those around her.

Flash forward to the 1980's, Billie is all grown up and has her set of friends with her, the token Latina (Tia Texada) and the token Black Girl (rap superstar, if you can call her that, Da-Brat). The girls are working for Timothy Walker who is played by...no fucking way, this can't be right, it can't be...yes it is...Terrance Howard. Yes the FUCKING Terrance Howard, Oscar-nominated actor and critically acclaimed Jazz Singer Terrance Fucking Howard is in this shit fest.

It truly is hard out here for a pimp, especially since he's in a Mariah Carey movie.

Terrance Howard, no! Why would you even think about starring in a film like this?! You are so much better than this! Why couldn't you have starred in something that was much better?! What, you couldn't get a part in Chicago!? He's a better singer than Richard Gere any day of the week. Richard Gere sounds like a cat that's having a heart attack when he sings!

Anyway, Billie and her friends are singing along in the recording studio for Timothy while he is having Billie sing and having some chick named Sylk (wow I can't believed I just typed that out) lip-synch to Billie's recording since Sylk is a shitty singer. I guess that's how Justin Bieber manages to have a career after all.

So Billie and her friends call bullshit on Timothy and decide to go their own separate ways. So the girls decide to hit the club.

Surprisingly, dressing like a slutty 13 year old girl like Mariah Carey does, is not considered a sex crime. The 80's were a different time indeed.

So while she is partying with her friends, she meets Dice the DJ.

Although the movie would've been more bearable to watch if it was him, despite the fact that he's a comedic hack and a sexist one at that.

God dammit! Not that Dice, this Dice!

He also wears the same outfit throughout the entire fucking film. Does he even wash his own clothing!?

So yeah, she meets Dice (British actor Max Beesley, remember the British part kids because it's coming up in a minute) and falls for him immediately (uh how is that plausible). At any rate, Dice takes an interest in Billie and her singing ability and even tries to flirt with her while his accent slips (in fact his accent slips 78 times throughout this entire film, yes I counted, sad huh). So she gives him her phone number and they start to record together. In more ways than one may I add. While her career is taking off, she moves in with Max and Billie continues to search for her mother and performs at many clubs and gets signed to a major record label...in the short span of a week.

Okay this is where the movie pretty much becomes a hot mess. First of all, the movie has so many jump cuts and transitions that I couldn't even tell what the fuck was going on. I understand that the director was trying to give it that whirlwind fast pace feel but this is not how you do it! Good God! My friends and I had a hard time trying to keep up with this movie the first time around because nothing was being explained at all!

So anyway, Billie's first single becomes a huge hit and she begins to work on another song which happens to be about her mother, again she doesn't explain much about her mother, but then again when your mom burns down an apartment building in the beginning of the movie leaving you and the other tenants homeless, then I can certainly understand why. So anyway she goes back into the recording studio to do another song.

So this how Mariah Carey records all of her songs, by deep throating a microphone. That could explain why she can hit the high notes.


So Mariah, I mean Billie and her friends decide to film a music video for her hit song. everything turns out well until the director is not pleased with Billie's friends.

Music Video Director: Hmmm, this video is looking too ghetto, quick somebody get some half-naked men!

So the director decides to get rid of Billie's friends and adds some half naked men into the background. Of course before the video turns into a full on gang bang, Dice intervenes on Billie's behalf and leave the set of the music video.

So after her songs become a huge hit, she is scheduled to perform at the USA Music Awards (it's really the Grammys, but since the Grammys are a fucking joke, the screenwriters were too embarrassed to even mention the Grammys).

God how many polar bears did she have to kill to get her fur coat and why is Dice wearing the Star of David near his junk?! Wow talk about Blasphemous Rumors!

She meets Rafael, a famous producer played by Halle Berry's ex-husband, R&B singer Eric Benet. So later at the after party, Rafael suggests that he and Billie should record a song together, but this displeases Dice greatly since Dice goes from great boyfriend to abusive asshole in less than a millisecond and gets Billie away from Rafael thinking that Rafael is making sexual advances towards her.

That's character development at its finest folks! I haven't seen such wonderful character development since Stephanie Meyer's development of Jacob, taking him from the only fucking adult in the Twilight Series into making him a low rate sex offender, great job Hollywood!

So after they leave the party, Billie, Dice and her friends are arguing in the car and then Dice calls DaBrat a fat ass which could explain why DaBrat joined VH1's Celebrity Fit Club and The Surreal Life. So her friends giver her an ultimatum saying that it's Dice or her friends, but then they leave before Billie can make her choice. Okay, what the fuck is up with that, seriously?! Leaving your friend in the car with a somewhat abusive boyfriend is a fucking no-no!

Edward and Bella circa 1980's.

The reconciliation is short-lived as Timothy pays Billie a visit while he was really looking for Dice. Do you remember this at all, neither do I because it was never explained at all! Oh my fucking God this is torture trying to figure this movie out. Anyway, Billie then tells Dice that Timothy threatened her and was saying something about Dice owing Timothy money. Dice being the wonderful boyfriend that he is lies to her and then proceeds to beat the shit out of Timothy and gets arrested while Billie has to go bail him out, forcing her to cancel her performance on Late Night Live.

So this is the point that Billie is fed up with Dice and finally leaves him moving back in with token Latina and DaBrat. Since Billie has received some newfound freedom, she decides to call Rafael back and record a song with him.

I was right! Mariah Carey was really to blame for Halle Berry and Eric Benet divorcing.

The song becomes a hit but Billie is nursing a broken heart. Meanwhile, Dice is writing a song for Billie to perform. Hell he has even bought tickets to the event. So feeling nostalgic, Billie decides to visit Dice and their apartment. She notices the song and leaves a kiss on it that happens to be brown, while she is wearing pink lipstick, don't you just love inconsistency.

So later that night, Dice gets whacked by Timothy and Billie finds out through the news, how convenient and decides to perform anyway. Okay, if someone you love has just died you would reschedule the fucking concert or cancel it, not go out there and still perform when you are emotionally fragile! After the end of the concert, Billie finds out where her mother has been the entire time and reunites with her. Okay, if her mom has been clean and sober for several years, why didn't her mother go and look for her?! It couldn't have been that fucking difficult! And not only that, Timothy never gets caught, I mean that is something that just happened out of the blue without any context or any closure to that particular subplot. Here's a tip, killing off characters in a movie does not always equal conclusion unless there is either context or if it is central to the plot. This particular instance was neither!

So how can I describe this piece of shit film. Well I will let my friend Leigh say it best:

"The experience of the entire film was like the editors and the directors paper mached the film, vomited some glitter on it, glued it together and called it a day."

This movie is by far one of the biggest pieces of shit I have ever seen in my entire life and I have seen Year of The Dragon and Zardoz. I cannot even begin to describe how horrible this film is. The acting is so terrible, the music is terrible, the movie moved too fast, nothing was explained, plot points kept popping up everywhere without any explanation and it was an overall tortous experience for me. I do not know how I managed to come out of this film with my sanity intact, but I did. This is one of the worst of the past decade, it's not as bad as Battlefield Earth, but then again anything compared to that film is a fucking masterpiece. Mariah Carey cannot act for shit. She's not even likable in the least bit. This the same woman who once said in an interview that:

"I'm a tragic Mulatta."

Umm you just alientated a lot of your fans you dumbass by saying something horrible like that. In fact I can name a few famous mixed race people who are in fact proud to be mixed race:

President Barack Obama
Halle Berry
Jennifer Beals
Martin Gore of Depeche Mode
Thandie Newton
Dwayne Johnson aka The Rock
Vin Diesel
Tiger Woods


Oh I could go on. Mariah Carey, if you are reading this, stop being such a whiny, fucking annoying, diva bitch and appreciate the fact that you have a cute husband, that you still have somewhat something of a career and that this movie hasn't destroyed your career entirely. God I am sick and tired of hearing you complain about your heritage and everything else. For the love of God and the entire world, please, PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Phew, that's a load off my chest.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth.






















Wednesday, June 16, 2010

All I Ever Wanted, All I Ever Needed...

Is a vacation and I finally got one! The Movie Bitch will be on Vacation from 06/17 to 06/25. The reviews will be up when I get back. I promise!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth,

The Movie Bitch

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Zardoz: (Possibly) The Most Epic What The Fuck Ever

I do not even know where to begin with this one.

Words cannot even begin to formulate into coherence when I think of this film:

Don't you dare compare this film to George Orwell's classic 1984, Mr. Movie Poster! I've got my eye on you...

I mean wow. That is all I can say. For those of you who thought that Highlander 2 was Sean Connery's worst film in his entire career, then you guys haven't really dug deep enough like I have.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Sean Connery. He is another actor that was a big part of my childhood (my mother also lusts after his old sexy ass). I mean he was great in so many films, but when you have a bitchy movie critic like me who spends most of her time watching and reviewing films, I will eventually watch a film that is so horrendous that I must review it and mock it simply out of sheer delight and pity for those involved. Zardoz is one of those films.

What is even sadder is that this film was done by British director John Boorman who directed the superb backwoods rape-fest, Deliverance.

So let's take a look at this What The Fuck of Epic proportions and find out or figure out to be more precise, exactly what this film is all about.

Really this image says it all of what the movie is all about.


So the film starts out with Zed (Sean Connery traipsing around in a orange bikini and go-go boots) and his tribe as they have finished acting like complete vikings in ....oh wait it doesn't start out like that. Shit! I forgot the intro:

This fucking guy...

Yeah the movie starts out with this idiot's head floating around in front of a black screen spouting nonsense about mortality and death and the finer points of salt and vinegar chips (they are mighty tasty might I add).

So back to Zed and his brutes yes? So anyway this giant floating statue comes onto the Irish fields to give his men a pep talk. Coincidently the most memorable lines from that speech and from the entire fucking movie are: "The gun is good, the penis is evil."

This floating head portal was later used as the giant head statue for the children's television game show Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Yeah...The penis is not evil in my and everyone else's book unless it is used for evil purposes. So anyone the statue vomits guns and other artillery out of his mouth so that the brutes can go and pick up their weapons and continue to war. Of course Zed enters the mouth, for some reason that is not explained and encounters Dr. Arthur Frayn, the annoying bastard from the introduction of this movie.

"Do you like my mustache and goatee? I drew them on myself."

So after shoots Arthur Frayn, he notices some girls who happen to look fantastic in plastic:

I'm a Barbie Girl in a Barbie World...Life in plastic, it's so fantastic!

After the weirdness concludes Zed is then taken to another world and discovers that the people there look at him like some strange being. Well if you're running around in go-go boots and an orange bikini, I would be looking at you in a strange way too. Since Zed appears to be the only mortal in this village (how they figure this out, I do not know because it is not even explained at all in the course of the film), Consuella and May decide to run experiments on Zed to figure out where he came from and what does he intend to do.

By giving him a full body massage with a happy ending of course. It worked for Stanley White.


After intense suspicion and research, Consuella and May decide to let the villagers of Zardoz examine Zed and allow him to participate in activities and in their culture. While Zed is hanging out there, he befriends Friend (wow how original) and sticks to him because...well I have nothing really. So while Zed and Friend are learning about each other, May and Consuella are debating whether or not to kill Zed based on his memories. May says that he is more valuable alive while Consuella believes Zed to be a threat. Remember this folks because Consuella is Zed's love interest in the movie...sort of.

I thought the Sex-Ed classes in Florida Public Schools were that bad...


Anyway, Friend tells Zed about the Renegades, a group of people who were banished from Zardoz and live in their own sphere...yeah just go with it I did not get it either. So Zed and Friend check this place out and it understandably confuses the shit out of Zed and the viewers of this film when the Renegades react strangely to Zed's appearance, calling him the mortal savior or some shit like that.

Of course Consuella and May are not too happy about Zed finding out about the Renegades so they decide to banish Friend for leading him there and get this, they banish Friend by doing a half-assed version of the Macarena.

Sensing that Zed is also in danger of getting banished by Macarena Dance, he decides to run away and figure out how to get out of the world that he is in. Of course the only way to do that is to speak with Friend. This is starting to get confusing. If you are keeping up with me, congratulations! You have officially gone insane like I have after trying to make sense of this entire film. So in the middle of all of this, Zed ends up in a wedding dress somehow.

If your movie includes Sean Connery in wedding dress, you have pretty much lost your fucking marbles at this point. On the other hand, at least the embroidery on that dress is pretty.


After Zed runs back to the village, he encounters May who attacks him with a skirt trying to jog his memories. Of course Zed is trying to fight off May's evil skirt but he cannot and thus his memories are jogged. The audience then discovers that Zed is highly educated because he read a lot of the books in the library that he was supposed to destroy and that the world of Zardoz exists because of get this...the Wizard of Oz.

Yes you read that right, the Wizard of Oz was one of the inspirations for this film. I got nothing. You know what, this movie makes no God Damn sense at all so I'm going to try and speed this up to spare us from having our heads exploding.

After Consuella catches May helping Zed, Zed escapes in falls into another world but then gets trapped into a mirror world by Dr. Frayn. Zed shoots the mirror, the reflection of himself as a brute (omfg! Symbolism) and becomes the one that will free everyone from their imprisonment of immortality. Of course everyone has a chanting ceremony and speech and Zed sends Consuella away because of the ensuing bloodshed. Of course they once again do this all together by doing the Half-assed Macarena Dance!

Hey Macarena!

The movie ends with everyone getting killed except for Zed who runs away to join Consuella in a cave and in the next scene she is pregnant and giving birth and then in the next five minutes their child grows up to be an adult and then they both die holding their hands together.

This movie makes no fucking sense at all! I mean the entire time I was watching this film, all I kept thinking and saying was "What the fuck am I watching?" This is clearly Sean Connery's worst film of his entire career and that is saying something because Highlander 2 was pretty fucking awful and pretty high in terms of awfulness. The plot made no sense, nothing was explained and the characters had no motivation, no humanity, nothing seemingly redeemable about them. This movie is just plain fucking weird and I had hard time trying to explain what the fuck was gong on in this film. Honestly this was the best I could do to even try to make sense of this hot mess.

Of course, a year later, John Boorman rewrote the Zardoz script into a novel, which in all fairness was MUCH better than the movie, which makes me think "He should have wrote Zardoz as a novel instead of as a screenplay." Thankfully Sean Connery's post-James Bond career has recovered since this piece of shit film. I can't say the same for Boorman though.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth

P.S. I am well aware that Spoony has done a review on this film. Do check it out when you get the chance.














The A-Team: Loud, Raucous, Bombastic, Pointless, but Fun and Charming


How could most people not know who The A-Team are, or better yet, how could anyone not know the theme song to the original TV Series?

Most of us who are familiar with The A-Team had very low expectations when they announced that there was going to be a silver screen adaptation of the film. I was nervous because yet again I adopted my usual attitude that "Hollywood is once again going to rape my childhood."

And yet, this time Hollywood did not fuck this reboot up in the least bit.

I mean The A-Team does have its share of issues mainly the characters and action sequences over substance and plot, but the original TV series was the same way.

What really made the TV series so memorable for so many people were the goofy explosions and the lovable characters in the show. How could anyone remember Mr.T saying "I pity the fool!" and not smiling in the least bit or wanting The A-Team to come and help you or even join The A-Team as a member. Hey even some ladies fantasized about these guys, in particular Face because he was the good looking one (I am a Murdock kind of a girl. I like my men that know how to cook a mean meal and that are a little crazy).

The basic premise of the film follows the same plot as the TV series in which they were sent to prison for a crime they did not commit and they escaped and broke out.

Of course the film decides to go for the origin story route, but what makes it different from the other reboots is that the origin story is set in the 21st century and centers on the controversial Iraq war, for the beginning of the film at least. Of course when the boys go to recover some stolen plates, they screwed over and get blamed for a crime they did not commit. In order for The A-Team to clear their names, Hannibal (Liam Neeson), Face (Bradley Cooper), B.A. Baracus (Quinton "Rampage" Jackson) and Murdock (Sharlto Copley) escape from prison and chase Pike (Brain Bloom) to retrieve the plates but to also get vengeance for their comrade Morrison (Gerald McRaney). Hot on their heels of course is Capt. Charisa Sousa (Jessica Biel), Face's ex-girlfriend and CIA Agent Lynch (Patrick Wilson) in which he is constantly mistaken for various Lynches.

The plot of the film as the episode plots in the TV series is hollow and your typical standard fare for action films, but really sets the film apart is the comedic timing and pacing. The action sequences in the film are ridiculous and unbelievable but the audience expects that from The A-Team and the film truly delivers on that and much more especially with Murdock's skills as a pilot.

What really makes the film truly rewarding despite the shitty plot are the characters and the chemistry within The A-Team. They work so well together but the real show stealer in the film goes to Mr. Copley as Murdock. One would think that Liam Neeson would be the one to steal the show as Hannibal, but Mr. Copley takes the entire film and makes it his own personal playground of explosions and comedy.

Out of all of The A-Team members in the TV series, most people remember B.A. Baracus, but in the film, most people remember Murdock. Copley steals the show in this film and if the Oscars can give Robert Downey Jr. a Best Supporting Actor nomination for Tropic Thunder, I'm sure they can give one to Copley for The A-Team.

All in all, The A-Team is a fun movie. It's not Oscar-Caliber worthy but this movie is so much more fun than any of the movies that Michael Bay has made in his entire career (except for The Rock, but that was because Sean Connery saved that movie from being a disaster). Sure the plot is crap, but the warmth of the characters and the action sequences truly save the day and if the movie does well enough, there might be a sequel in the works.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth.




Sunday, June 6, 2010

Year of The Dragon...A Very Bad Year (and Film) For All Involved

The 1980's were an interesting decade to say the very least. There was the backlash of the Feminist Movement, yet there were powerful female characters that were being portrayed in movies and television. Madonna's music was still great and many electronic British Pop Bands reigned supreme in the hearts of teenage girls (and boys in some cases) and the men that looked the most feminine got all of the girls (and boys).

These guys have had more ass than Fonzi and a toilet seat. Why? Because they are Depeche Fucking Mode that's why!

Of course the 80's were also a shitty decade for movies. In particular, the 80's was not a very good decade for Cop and Crime Dramas if we are speaking in terms of films. There were a few great Cop Shows that came out in this time period but for some reason, there weren't that many cop films that were any good (except for Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop and of course the most badass of them all, Robocop)!

Robocop actually has a Master's Degree in Roman and Renaissance Art and he's going for his Ph.D in Italian Renaissance Art. Robocop also has a show called Engineering An Empire on The History Channel. Talk about a major career overhaul.

This movie review is not about Robocop because Robocop is an epically awesome fucking movie and I have no reason to rip on it. Yes it has its flaws, but it is an awesome film. The movie that I have reviewed this week is probably one of the worst movies of the 1980's and that's saying a lot because there were a lot of shitty movies that came out in this decade. I am of course talking about Year of the Dragon.

To be fair this movie was a piece of shit too and it had the villain from Terminator 2: Judgement Day and a dominatrix in it as one of his henchmen. I wish I was making this shit up.

NO NOT FUCKING DOUBLE DRAGON, YEAR OF THE DRAGON!!!!!

You can already tell that this movie is going to be batshit insane and fucking terrible at the same time. Just look at the fucking poster! Mickey Rourke is running towards you screaming like a maniac with a gun in his hand! RUN THE FUCK AWAY!

This movie is god awful and at this point you expect that because it's directed by the same guy who directed The Deer Hunter which in all fairness was a great film, but Michael Cimino is not remembered for Deer Hunter. Oh no he is remembered for something far worse, Heaven's Gate.

Starring Christopher Walken, a log bench and a live horse that exploded on screen. Talk about an epic hot mess.

Heaven's Gate is the film that killed Cimino's credibility as a director in Hollywood and as he tried to make more films, he was practically blacklisted in Hollywood because seriously the guy is crazy as all fuck and he exploded a real fucking horse on screen, ON SCREEN! Anyway, that film is responsible for the "No animals were harmed in the making of this film," because after the studios found out about the exploding horse, they required that all directors use dummy animals should they inflict animal cruelty on screen, which Cimino could've used a dummy horse, planted some explosives in the dummy horse and just detonated it, but I digress.

So who is Cimino offending this time around? The Asian-American Community. When Year of The Dragon was released in 1985, it caught the ire and fury of Feminists and the Asian-American Community alike because the film perpetuated negative stereotypes about Asians and Tracy Tzu the main female lead was sexist as the entire film was racist.

So let's check out this hot mess of an epic film and see what everyone was complaining about shall we?

So the movie starts off with Stanley White (Mickey Rourke), a Vietnam Vet and decorated loose cannon police officer (sounds familiar doesn't it) who wants to bring down the Crime Lord in New York's Chinatown.

Ok seriously, this is over exaggerated because I've been to Chinatown in Canal Street in New York and traffic is not THAT terrible, in fact the traffic is a lot better than Downtown West Palm.

Anyway, Stanley brings down a criminal associated with the Chinatown Crime Lords and encounters Tracy Tzu (Ariane Koizumi) an ambitious Chinese-American reporter who is being played by a Dutch-Japanese American Model (although I admit she is gorgeous as fuck, but this is pretty fucked up). Why couldn't they cast an actress in this film who is actually Chinese to play this part?! What, Anita Mui, Michelle Yeoh or Maggie Cheung were not available at the time?! Oh wait of course they weren't because they have more self-respect than to star in this piece of shit!

These girls were more badass than Charlie's Angels! I mean Anita Mui has a fucking AK-47 in her hands!

Anyway Stanley and Tracy find common ground because she is trying to uncover the truth about one of Chinatown's most prominent residents, Joey Tai (John Lone) and his connection to the illegal drug trade and the gang wars. Of course being the gentleman that Stanley is, he encourages Tracy to dig deeper and she will find something. When Stanley arrives home to his wife she drops little hints that Stanley has missed an important date. Of course Stanley's wife berates him for missing her ovulation for which Stanley apologizes for which is actually pretty random thing. That's one thing that really annoys me about this film, the dialogue is horrible and unintentionally funny.

Anyway Stanley heads back to Chinatown to figure out a way to gather more information on the Triad that is plaguing the community. So he then runs into Tracy Tzu again and figures that he could ask her some questions and gather information that she knows about Joey Tai and the connection between the triad, by asking her out to dinner and talk about what she knows and what does he pick, a Chinese Restaurant of course because Stanley thinks all Chinese people like to eat is Chinese Food. Do you dear reader see what is wrong with this sentence and this film now?

Stanley: I picked this place cause you're Chinese and you like Chinese Food and shit.
Tracy: Uh I prefer Italian food.
Stanley:............

Yeah so anyway while they are discussing the case at hand, Stanley whips out a bunch books about Chinese Culture and and basically goes on a fucking racist tirade. Good Lord, I can't believe Oliver Stone wrote the screenplay for this piece of shit film, oh wait yes I can, because Oliver Stone is a dumb fuck!

Pictured: A Dumb Fuck who is trying to do his best (and racist) Fu Manchu impersonation.

So anyway after his racist tirade is over, the restaurant comes under attack and Stanley jumps in to protect miss Tracy Tzu from Joey Tai's goons.

Stanley: So if I save your life will you give me a Happy Ending?
Tracy: What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Stanley:..........

After Stanley protects Tracy, the attraction between them grows and they part ways. Remember this for later on folks. Meanwhile back at the Legion of Doom, Joey Tai executes the head of the Triad and becomes ruler of Chinatown and then plans to take over the world.

OF COURSE!!!!!

So Joey Tai goes on ahead and proceeds with his plan. Meanwhile Stanley and Tracy's attraction begin to grow and as a result they sleep together despite the fact that he's a racist dick. Good God! The only somewhat feminist character in the film now turns into the most sexist character in the film! What the fuck is going on here!?

Tracy: Oh Stanley, your racist ways get me hot and bothered.

So after they fuck each other, Stanley and the rest of his comrades at the police department decide to do a sting operation by having one of their own officers go undercover in one of the restaurants that Joey Tai owns. Of course the very same undercover officer is also the token Asian Guy. So while this operation is going on, Tracy is continuing with her investigation. While this is all going down, Stanley comes home to find out that his wife (remember her? Didn't think so) knows about his affair with Tracy and decides to file for a divorce. Of course Stanley and his wife argue about this whole thing, but then he and his wife get attacked by some of Joey Tai's thugs. One of Stanley's cop buddies show up to help him but he arrives too late as Stanley's wife is killed and the car that the thugs were driving explodes on impact with a brick wall (at least it wasn't a live horse). Which leads me to believe that the car of choice for Joey Tai and the Triad are Pintos.

Joey Tai: I would like that Pinto over there because it makes me look Gangsta and seriously, fuck Nelly and his fake band aids. I made this look popular, I'm a fucking trendsetter!

So after her funeral, Tracy comforts Stanley and Stanley goes back to work, seeking vengeance, but this is not done without offending the undercover officer who happens to be the token Asian Guy. After Stanley trades barbs with him, the undercover officer responds to him by giving Stanley a taste of his own medicine. You know what, fuck Stanley, seriously! This movie would have been so much better and more progressive if the Asian undercover officer was the star of the film instead because he is a much better written character and not only that, he has a mighty pair of balls on him. I know he has a name, but sadly this will be the last time anyone will see him because he gets killed by Joey Tai's goons.

Of course later on, Tracy Tzu answers the door to her apartment to be greeted by some more of Joey Tai's goons (seriously, where the fuck does this guy go to get his goons, Goons'R'Us) and consequently gets raped by them. Ok Ladies, if someone rings the door or knocks on the door, you should ask who it is before you open the door. If there is no response, call the fucking cops immediately! So after Tracy tells Stanley that she was raped, it becomes the last straw for Stanley (so the death of his wife, the death of the police officer were not enough to piss him off, I mean I know rape is a serious crime and a horrible one at that, but one begins to wonder that Stanley should have just gone after Joey Tai when his wife or when his officer were killed and maybe Tracy's rape could have somehow been prevented?! Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with this movie).

Of course Stanley surrounds Joey Tai's hangout with police officers and SWAT Team Units. Now I have to admit, for the piece of shit this film is, the only good and badass scene in this entire movie was the shootout on the train tracks between White and Tai. That action sequence was actually put together very nicely and extremely well done. So after White kills Tai and saves the day, he finds Tracy reporting on the Chinese New Year Parade in Chinatown and kisses her. They both finally get that Happy Ending.

THIS MOVIE IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST PIECES OF SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN AND THAT IS SAYING A LOT!!!!!

I mean I have seen worse in which I will post the reviews up sometime this month, but good fucking god I can see why this movie was so sexist and offensive. This film perpetuates negative stereotypes about Asian Americans and their entire community and this film really sets Feminism back 300 years thanks to Tracy Tzu's character which is really sad because in the beginning of the film, she was actually likeable but in most of her intimate scenes with Stanley, she was half naked and practically exploited. After she sleeps with Stanley who is a racist fuck, she basically lost all respect and credibility from me at that point. Not only that, the only positive portrayal of an Asian American gets shot down in the middle of the film! As I mentioned previously, this film would have been so much better if Mickey Rourke played the villain and John Lone or even the undercover officer in the film was the fucking hero. Lone and the undercover officer wouldn't have been racist and Tzu would have been a stronger woman in this film.

At any rate, this film bombed horribly at the box office and the silver lining if there is any from this epic hot mess shit of a film is that at least it employed more Asian Actors than any other film at the time and it also led to some better films from Japan and Hong Kong to become distributed in the United States later on, which is better than nothing I suppose.

I'm Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!