Sunday, September 19, 2010

Fire Down Below: The Film Title That Lends Itself To Fart Jokes

As I continue through Steven Seagal Month, we take a look at one of his later box office failures simply known as Fire Down Below (not to be confused with the 1957 film of the same name, believe me this is not a remake).

 This film looks ten times better than the Seagal one, even though its a porno.

A movie in which Steven Seagal plays an EPA Agent, which is slightly more plausible than a Former Russian Mobster and yes, as with any Steven Seagal film, there will be lots and lots of ass kicking.

I just love the look on Marg Helgenberger's face in this poster. It's clear that she did not want to be in this shit fest.

So let's take a look at this fire blast from the ass shall we?

So the movie starts out with toxins being dumped into the abandoned mines which is causing environmental havoc. Unfortunately the locals in Kentucky are aware of this and fearing the loss of their jobs in the mines because of the corrupt and powerful mine owners, there is nothing they can do.

Enter Steven Seagal, I mean EPA CID Agent Jack Taggart.

You can tell he works for the EPA by the tacky motorcycle jacket.

Taggart is sent to investigate the situation after his colleague was discovered dead. Of course in any Seagal film, there is no such thing as accidents. Anyway, it is discovered that Hanner Coal Company's owner Orin Hanner Sr. (Kris Kristofferson no! WHY?! You deserve so much better than this), is being paid to dump those nasty toxins that fuck up the environment. Looks like Haliburton has been busy before Bush Jr. took office.

So in order to blend in to his assigned small town Taggart, get this, goes undercover as a volunteer at the local church. Steven Seagal working in the house of God is like saying Lady Gaga works as a Wal-Mart Greeter, its just implausible!

Even Jesus thinks he looks terrible in his jacket and Jesus is the one that's hanging free ballin' on the freaking cross!

Anyway, as Taggart is investigating, he finds that the water in the area is contaminated in which he somehow finds himself in a Marijuana field. Yeah, just roll with it. So he finds the growers and beats the shit out of them of course, but then tells them that he has no interest in arresting them. Uh, Taggart, you just enforced uncalled for brutality on a bunch of Marijuana farmers with no intent of arresting them anyway. You could lose your job for that. Just pointing that out.

"Shhhh! I am concentrating! I am trying to turn this water into Sprite!"

So after kicking the Marijuana Farmer's asses, Taggart finds himself into more trouble as the men responsible for the previous EPA Agent's death has spotted Taggart and tries to blow his cover by having another action sequence which involves more ball breaking Akido moves, two rattlesnakes, and a pick up truck crashing while Taggart escapes.

The EPA: Kicking environmental ass one person at a time!

In the middle of all of this Seagal Action, Taggart somehow manages to find the time to strike up a relationship with Sarah (The chick from the original CSI). Of course she is an outcast in the small town because she was accused but never convicted of her father's murder even though her brother Earl was the one responsible. That's nice, he managed to strike up a relationship with a girl who has a psychotic older brother. What the fuck am I saying this is Steven Seagal after all, I'm sure he can take care of the situation.

"So I hear that you are into forensics and that you brother is batshit insane. Mmmmmm, you're sexy."

Anyway, Crazy Earl is none to pleased with their relationship and then sets the church on fire killing the kins preacher that was helping Taggart and the other miners including Earl himself. Of course Taggart gets trapped but then escapes because he's Steve Fucking Seagal dammit, it's his movie.

And if you don't let Seagal have his way, he will break your balls!

Eventually, he convinces Sarah to testify against Hanner Sr. (probably after some awkward sex on Seagal's part) and she is eventually taken into Protective FBI custody. Unfortunately these agents turn out to be corrupt and Taggart kills one of them and then sends the second one back to Orin to let him know that the mother fucker is coming to cut his cracker ass.

Of course Orin gets arrested and charged, but he gets a slap on the wrist and is let go. So this causes Taggart to go back to Jackson and after and epic battle with Orin Jr.'s thugs, he finally convinces Orin Jr. to testify against his dad by beating the crap out of him.

Afterwards, Taggart finds Orin Sr. in Las Vegas and apprehends him but before he can do that, they have yet another fight in which Orin Sr. produces a gun from his ass I guess, but then gets shot in the shoulder by Taggart.

After Orin Sr. is arrested, Taggart goes back to Jackson to be reunited with Sarah and more awkward sex ensues.

So how was Fire Down Below?

It's not as bad as Driven To Kill but that's not saying much. The plot is pretty much the standard Seagal fare but it tries really hard to have an environmental message, which gets lost amidst all of the violence and explosions in this film. Yes what a great way to send an environmental message about using more healthier and sustainable energy, by having Steven Seagal beat the shit out of people. I mean what actual EPA Agent's job description includes "beating the shit out of environmental violators?"

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch... because somebody has to be!

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

The Movie Bitch Presents: Mariberry's Yummy Tummy: Sukoka Soft Coffee Candy

On this week's edition of Mariberry's Yummy Tummy, I try coffee flavored candy in which I must point out that I am not a huge fan of coffee (I am a bad Cuban apparently). What did I think of this candy, well the answer may actually surprise you.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

The Movie Bitch Presents: Mariberry's Yummy Tummy: Kasugai Strawberry Gummy Candy

On this week's episode of Mariberry's Yummy Tummy, I try a gummy candy from the Land of The Rising Sun. Find out if it was truly delicious, yummy and if I had a fun time with the gummy!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Driven To Insanity…Then To Kill, In No Particular Order

Happy Steven Seagal Month!

 Good God here we go...

That is what I would be saying if I wasn’t reviewing the very best of the very worst in Steven Seagal films. Before I dive into this week’s review, let’s hear a few facts about the man shall we:

  • He’s an accomplished martial arts master in the art of Akido, a martial art more concerned with breaking bones and balls as opposed to style.

  • Seagal also serves as a deputy sheriff of his hometown Jefferson Parish County, Louisiana. This is evidenced by the show Lawman, which coincidentally is also entitled A Day In The Life Of Steven Seagal.

  • He is also known as Chungdrag Dorje, Albs Oft, Takeshigemichi. I wish I was making this shit up folks.

So let’s see how this straight to shit DVD has Driven me to insanity.

So the film starts out with Ruslan Drachev who is a former Russian mobster and now spends his days writing pulp fiction novels. Drachev is played by none other than…Steven Seagal. Ok here are the main issues with this:

 Wow, he's really Russian! He's got the phone and the ponytail to prove it!

 Steven Seagal is not RUSSIAN!!!! He is AMERICAN!!! That’s like saying Tom Hanks is playing the role of an African-American slave! The fact that Seagal plays a Russian mobster is pretty fucking racist in it of itself for that matter! Are you fucking kidding me!? You couldn’t get a Russian actor to play an honest to God Russian Mobster?! What about that guy in Night Watch?! He would be perfect or the guy that played Drago in Rocky IV?!

 On second thought…Dolph Lungdren is actually Swedish. It really wouldn’t work. He would be talking about making delicious meatballs or something.

Anyway, Drachev is contacted by his ex-wife who tells him that his estranged daughter is getting married. Of course she is getting married to the son of a rival mobster. So Seagal…sorry I meant Drachev packs his bags and heads to Russia…no wait he heads to Jersey.

 Not this Jersey, the other one.

So anyway, Drachev is concerned that his daughter Lanie is marrying Stephan but his ex-wife Catherine brushes off his concerns. Of course Catherine also mentions that her new and wealthy fuck toy Terry Goldstein (God this movie is trying so hard to be racist) is a horrible prick. So as everyone else leaves for the wedding, Lanie and Catherine get stabbed. Catherine of course dies, but Lanie is expected to make a recovery. This sends Drachev into action.

 This is the only form of action Seagal knows...

Drachev meets with the police officers who tell him that it appeared to be an attempted robbery, but Drachev knows this is a load of shit and decides to dispense justice his own way. Did I forget to mention that guy Lanie was marrying also happened to be the son of the boss of Drachev worked for 20 years ago? Well it doesn’t matter because it’s a Steven Seagal movie and the only reason anybody watches these films is to see him beat the shit out of people in hilariously unimaginable and implausible ways.

 Justice: The Steven Seagal Way...

After Drachev does some detective work on his own, he figures out that Mikhail, his former boss was behind the attack and Terry was also working with him. Catherine was killed because she was going to blow the whistle on their whole operation that they had going which I had no fucking idea what it was because it was never mentioned! The reason Mikhail tried to attempt murder is a pretty stupid one at that, his son did not want to be a mobster!

Ok if your kid does not want to follow in your footsteps, GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON!!!

Anyway, Drachev promises to Terry and Mikhail that he will get his revenge by kicking their asses and the asses of the henchmen. Yup that’s the movie in a nutshell, Steven Seagal kicking copious amounts of ass in New Jersey. This is the entire movie. Of course Steven Seagal wins and his daughter recovers and the wedding goes on as planned.

This is the whole movie...really.

Here is something that I would like to mention in all of this:


I mean it’s really that simple. All of this could have been avoided if Drachev just simply turned in Mikhail and placed himself and his entire family in the Federal Witness Protection Program. It’s not that fucking hard! His ex-wife wouldn’t have died and his daughter wouldn’t have had to get stabbed in the first place!

So what did I think of Driven To Kill?

This movie is crap, just like most of Seagal’s later work. At least in the early days, Seagal’s films were fun to watch because they were hilariously bad. This movie was just bad. The plot is the same formulaic bullshit in every action film, the acting is bad at best and the entire movie is nothing but fighting and Seagal breaking everyone’s balls. Not to mention the DVD cover for this film has the plot all wrong! The mobsters killed his ex-wife not his daughter! Not to mention, Steven Seagal is not Russian! I cannot stress this enough!

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I’m the Movie Bitch…because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Friday, September 3, 2010

The Movie Bitch Presents: Mariberry's Yummy Tummy: Herr's Blossoming Onion Flavored Crisps

On this very first episode of Mariberry's Yummy Tummy, I try Herr's Brand Blossoming Onion Flavored Crisps. Let's see if my tummy thought it was yummy or shitty.