Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Moonwalker: Pure Self-Indulgence

Michael Jackson was one of the biggest international icons that has ever lived. In fact, he was so epic and awesome that he could do no wrong when he was a worldwide phenomenon back in the 80's. Of course knowing Hollywood, they decided nothing could be better than making a movie starring Michael Jackson. That's when you get something as self-indulgent as Moonwalker:

Michael Jackson is so epic, he shits rainbows.

I know the poor guy died a year ago, but if you take a look back at this film knowing what you know now, it's really creepy and all sorts of fucked up. Even when the film was released it was still a what the fuck moment. This film also marked the point in his career when he still looked like an attractive Hispanic woman before he looked like an older and whiter version of the Crypt Keeper. In fact I have a before and after comparison, it is obligatory after all.

Before

After

Anyway let's get into this film shall we?

So the movie begins with a concert starring the gloved one himself. He is singing to the world that we need to change and there needs to be world peace. It's nice to see that some of the world leaders agree on this sentiment, but what about the people that matter the most, like Ronald McDonald or Grimace? Do they agree on world peace?

Neither could be reached for comment at this time.

So after that whole sequence, we get a montage and a tribute to Michael Jackson's awesomeness. I will say this, at the time this movie came out, this sequence could be seen as very narcissistic an egotistical, but since Michael is dancing for Jesus these days, this sequence is actually a much better tribute to him and his talent than some of the other specials that I have seen, but I digress. After that whole sequence, we get into the remake of "Bad," with children. That's right, you read that correctly, children.

Pictured: Michael Jackson's Wet Dream

Yeah, I get that this was supposed to be charming and cute, but this comes off as creepy. The whole sequence is just creepy. I could go on with the jokes, but I will save those for later. Moving along. 

So after the "Badder," sequence, Michael and his crew magically transform into adults and some of Pee-Wee's Playhouse's meth addicted rejects chase MJ throughout the entire sequence which includes cameos by Steven Spielberg, Tina Turner, Sylvester Stallone, Pee-Wee Herman himself and James Carville.

I know he wasn't in the movie, but look at the fucking face! This man is creepy as fuck!

So after MJ dons a disguise as a rabbit, and after he escapes his rabid fans and the paparazzi, MJ takes off his disguise and wouldn't you know it, his disguise comes to life. This confirms what I have known all along, Michael Jackson is Jesus, I mean how else could I explain Michael Jackson shitting rainbows on the cover of Moonwalker?!

"You gave me a ticket? It's cause I'm black isn't it?"

After he gets written up for a ticket for dancing, this sequence ends and goes into the "Leave Me Alone," sequence, which I have to admit is one of the better parts of this movie. This is one of the more interesting music videos that Jackson has done and the fact that it made into this film is not much of a stretch. This movie is random as it is already.

After that sequence, we get into one of the worst parts of the movie, which is the corny Spielberg-Zemeckis esque, plot. This is also the part where MJ reveals himself to be Jesus and a transformer at the same time. We also get Joe Pesci here playing the part of a cocker spaniel with a hairy cock on his head. This is where we also get one of the coolest sequences in the entire film, "Smooth Criminal."

Although, I'm still not really sure if Michael wrote this song about Annie the Wookie or a girl named Annie?

If there is one video that perfected the art of music videos, this one would have to be it. I know Thriller revolutionized the medium, but this video perfected it. Of course after this sequence ends, the plot rears its ugly head again. Of course one of MJ's child friends gets kidnapped and he has to go and save her. This was a simpler time in which MJ was allowed to be near children and no one would question it. So MJ decides to rescue the kids by becoming a Transformer.

Michael Jackskon: More than meets the eye.

So MJ decides to blow shit up and wait a minute, wasn't he singing about peace and love in the beginning of the film and now he's blowing shit up?! Talk about a flip-flopper. So after he defeats Cocker Spaniel Pesci, he leaves the children, oh wait he comes back to them and decides to take them backstage to one of his concerts, which is pretty creepy in retrospect. So then ends the film with one more musical sequence.

Uh, this is all sorts of wrong on so many levels.

So how does Moonwalker stack up? This film is dated and is purely self-indulgent. The first half of the film is interesting to say the least and does feature some interesting animation and artwork, but the second half is so bad and nonsensical, I couldn't even make sense of it! MJ, I know you're up there and I want to say is what's up, but I need to say this as well, what the fuck were you thinking when you made this film? At any rate, this movie did have two things going for it, the "Leave Me Alone," sequence and the "Smooth Criminal," sequence.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch, because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!