Sunday, March 6, 2011

This Vampire Movie Really Sucks..Pun Definitely Intended

Well after a long break from writing scathing reviews on shitty movies, I have finally returned from my hibernation to review one of the worst vampire parody flicks that I have seen in a long time, Vampires Suck.

Rule of thumb: If it has the two same writers from Scary Movie, you know this is going to be a piece of shit.

Did these two writers from Scary Movie think they could get away with this?! I mean isn't it too freaking soon to make a parody of franchise that is unaware of the fact that it is a parody in it of itself?!

Let's move along before I get to this point.

I understand that vampires are all the rage right now and I have to admit I was a vampire fan girl back when I was in high school, then again I am a weirdo anyway so what does it matter. At least back in my day, I used to read the Sookie Stackhouse novels and I played Vampire: The Masquerade with my friends. Now there are the Twilight books, The Vampire Diaries and of course True Blood (which is ironically based off of the Sookie Stackhouse Novels). 

So its understandable that there are going to be an endless supply of parodies out there making fun of the whole vampire craze. This movie tries to capitalize on that...with the same guys who brought you such memorable shit like Date Movie and Superhero Movie.

Basically, we're fucked. Let's go ahead and sink our teeth into this festering pile of shit shall we?

So the movie begins with a flashback to Rebecca trying to save Edward from killing himself. All seems well and good considering at least they are somewhat following the Twilight trope very well. Of course Edward is sparkling and his dick is a disco ball, which I already suspected all along. 

I honestly wish this was the only "sparkle" that I saw in this movie.

So Rebecca jumps in midair that would make Super Mario say "How the fuck is that humanly possible?" while a Bill Compton look-alike tries to stop her from reaching him. Of course the movie begins near the end and then the beginning credits roll to go all the way back to beginning. God I wish this movie ended soon.

So Becca is pissed about moving into the town Sporks, Washington after dully monologuing about how her mom is banging a pro-athlete and traveling around with him (insert cheap Tiger Woods joke here, seriously, the movie used it). Of course she sees a vampire in broad daylight sucking a girl's blood. Yeah, when  you see that shit, it's best to tell your dad to turn the car around and get the fuck out of town. Of course her dad is played by none other than Diedrich Bader (a waste of a good comedian).

Of course they go through the same shit as the Twilight movies and how Becca is paying attention to how the town is infested with vampires. Of course Becca is the new girl in school and she gets picked on within five minutes of arriving. I understand this is supposed to be a parody and all but this not how high school works. At least have some logic. Just because something is illogical and implausible doesn't automatically make it funny, there has to be context to it.

So anyway, like in the other movie, she has her friends which are a parody of some of the characters in that other movie.

Becca: Hey do you know how we can get out of this shitfest?
Jennifer: You know, Kristen Stewart asked me that same exact question a while back and I haven't the slightest clue.

So after the mindless humor and cheap and unrelated joke about the film Dear John (Nicolas Sparks films are going to get their due, I promise this), we are finally introduced to the Sullen Family (I admit, that's pretty clever).

Oh yeah, they look like your typical family...

So after the weird introduction in Biology class, Edward smells Becca and has to use a Hazmat suit to protect himself. Where did he get said suit is beyond me, I'm just going to go with the theory that he pulled it out of his ass. After class is over she almost gets hit by a car but Edward saves her by, get this, grabbing one of her classmates and using him to stop the car.

Is that even supposed to be funny? If anything that's down right cruel and even psychotic! How is this even comedy?! Everything that I have seen so far of this movie is down right cruel and so hateful! I don't understand how this movie could even call itself a comedy.

Anyway, Becca meets up with Jacob again who can't really hide his werewolf tendencies. Again, I understand that he is going through puberty, but just because it was funny the first time doesn't mean it will be funny again. Of course Jacob is desperate to get Becca to like her and does nice things for her. I cannot stress enough to go through the many problems this movie has, so I am going to try and get through this as quick as possible.

So Edward and Becca have an intimate moment with one another while in her bedroom. Of course she is sleepwalking and doing weird shit in which Ed tries to wake her. She then wakes up to see him and then goes back to bed. Of course Ed says some romantic line, she farts in his face and he goes out the window. Ha Ha funny, next scene.

Of course Ed visits her the next time around and Becca is wide awake and horny and tries to have her way with him, but he's not too keen on the idea himself and acts like teenage girl when he gets kissed by her. Of course violence towards a teenage girl which is considered to be comedy to the people who created this piece of shit ensues and then ends with the next scene.

There is some subplot about murderous vampires on the loose, but that's not really important.

They were just looking for some Cheetos and publicity.

So after a bunch of shit happens in this movie that's supposed to be funny but really isn't happens, Edward introduces Becca to his family, but shit goes bad when she has a nasty paper cut and his family goes insane.

Okay, she clearly does not need a band aid, she needs stitches and an emergency room!

Of course after that she gets dumped and starts pointing out all of the obvious plot holes in this movie (that's my job, missy) about how she should not be left alone in a forest in a town full of vampires. After Edward saves her from the attack, he leaves on his segway and gets rescued by the most homo erotic group of werewolves ever.

Lou Pearlman would cream himself for this boy band.

So after that Jacob helps Becca and a bunch of boring shit happens that I won't even bother to mention because it's not funny. 

You know what, I am just going to wrap this shit up because this movie is almost as bad to review as it was to watch it.

I'm almost at my limit here.

Iris finds Becca and tells her that Edward is going to kill himself because he thinks she's dead and they race to the prom to rescue him. We finally go back to where this shit fest started, Becca saves Edward, Edward turns her into a vampire after an unfunny fight scene and the movie ends, thank fucking god!

Edward: No matter what you do Becca, don't ever mention that you were in this film.
Becca: Yeah I think my career is already over before it began.

This just unbelievable. This movie is a piece of shit and this coming from someone who has seen some of the worst.

Admittedly, the actress does a good job mimicking Kristen Stewart's weird twitches but everyone else is so terrible in this movie. You have two really funny comedians, Diedrich Bader and Dave Foley whose talent and comedy was completely wasted in this film. The jokes are unfunny, cruel and even downright offensive. I don't even begin to understand how this movie is considered a comedy let alone how did a movie this bad get made in the first place!? It's unfunny, dull, offensive, hateful and cruel. The pacing is terrible and this is just another pop-culture parody film that is trying to ride the coattails of the success of Twilight. There were so many scenes that I didn't even mention in this review because it was so useless and unfunny. 

God I can write a funnier film than the two assholes who made Date Movie, Meet The Spartans and this piece of shit any day of the week. 

To the two guys that made those movies that I mentioned above, please leave comedy to the professionals who know how to make a funny movie.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...Because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

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