Monday, June 13, 2011

Star Balls: A Fate Much Worse Than Blue Balls

Good God...

What the fuck have I done...

Let alone what the fuck did I watch?!

I can't believe I watched Star Ballz.

This very image alone makes me have nightmares.

You read that statement correctly. I watched Star Ballz.

For those of you who are not aware of this porno parody, here's a little back story:

Star Ballz is a hentai parody featuring Sailor Moon, Goku from Dragon Ball Z, R2-Pikachu (yes, it's a robotic pikachu), a Transgender C-3PO (not much of a stretch there really)  and Darth Mickey Mouse Vader. I am dead serious, Mickey Mouse is Darth Vader. He also fucks Sailor Moon. I am not kidding on this one.

This particular hentai is infamous because George Lucas got wind of it and decided to sue the people that created the porno.

The thing is, it's not really a parody of Star Wars. In fact I have no idea what the fuck it is. All I know is that Sailor Moon fucks Goku, a bunch of Storm wait they're called "Sperm Troopers." I use the term "parody" very loosely here.

Anyway on to the review.

So the movie begins with some really bad Beavis and Butthead Impersonations as we see the title card for Star Ballz.

Before I can continue, you won't be seeing as many images in this review as usual because there is so much from this hentai that I cannot publish. It is that fucked up. I am amazed that there wasn't any tentacle hentai in this as I would normally expect, but I digress, let's move on.

We see two ships, one looks like a penis and the other looks like a vagina. You know where this is going. Anyway after the ships have sex (don't ask), Darth Mickey and the Sperm Troopers try to capture Sailor Moon. Luckily she put all of her information inside R2-Pikachu right before she got captured.

One of the very few "safe" images I could find from this hentai.

So after that mess, C-3PO and R2-Pikachu land on a planet that resembles Tatooine. They encounter various parodies such as Seven, X-Men, X-Files, hell they even encountered Kid Rock in a cantina somewhere. Ok, I think the assholes who made shit such as Date Movie and Vampires Suck were involved in this porno parody because this shit pretty much sounds like something they would do.

We are then introduced to Chewie and Goku who are horny and are ready to bang something or someone. They then catch a glimpse of Transgender C-3PO and R2-Pikachu and decide to fuck them. Let me reiterate, Goku and Chewie fuck R2-Pikachu and Transgender C-3PO. 

What the fuck is wrong with Japan?

I know Admiral Ackbar! You don't have to rub it in my face! 

So Goku finds R2-Pikachu's "special spot" and activates Sailor Moon's message. After she tells them that she's in danger, Goku, Chewie and the robots spring into to action and head to Darth Mickey's Dick Ship (good God I cannot believe I typed that out).

Of course before we get the rescue, Sailor Moon decides to tease Darth Mickey and then fucks two of his Sperm Troopers to death (I'm sure a lot of men would want to go out that way, you know being fucked to death). 

So after that...yeah I'm just moving on. Goku and Chewie sneak onto the ship and do a Mission Impossible Parody (that movie came out in 1996, this porno is really dated when it comes to its jokes). It's when they encounter Sailor Moon in which she proceeds to take half of her clothes off in order to avoid the lasers, but it's no use because Goku's boner sets off the alarm which is really fucking annoying to listen to.

They then get trapped in the Garbage Disposal (just like in Star Wars: A New Hope). Before that, Goku decides to fuck Sailor Moon in order to "push" her down through the chute. How that is supposed to work, I have no idea nor do I have the desire to get into the details. Also, Chewie fucks Wilson the Volleyball from Cast Away (I am dead serious).

A bunch of dicks come out of those holes. Seriously.

So in order to help his friends, Goku goes into the toilet (why) and goes through a weird ass trip which includes a parody of the film the Abyss (really?!). After that, Goku directs them the way out and the encounter the source for the annoying alarm as Jar Jar Binks is getting fucked in the ass by female Predators. 

I have no words. That statement alone has left me speechless.

So they are about to escape from the Dick Ship when Darth Mickey corners them. Of course a anti-climatic (pardon the pun) fight scene ensues and Darth Mickey has Goku's Dick Saber shoved up his ass.

After they escape, they decide to fuck each other. It pretty much goes on like this until we see an image of George Lucas getting a blow job from Jar Jar Binks. Cue the end credits.

So what's my take on Star Ballz?

Where the fuck do I begin?

This porno parody was the longest 40 minutes of my life. It was that bad. The music is so bad, the editing is awful, the voice acting is horrendous, the music is terrible, the jokes are stupid and you know what, George Lucas had every right to sue this piece of shit! I know it doesn't really resemble Star Wars in anyway but honestly, if you're going to do a Star Wars Porno Parody, at least make it funny and do it right, or hell let George Lucas direct it and do it! You will feel unclean for months after watching this shit, I know I did and I still feel unclean!

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Attack Of The 50 Ft. Bridesmaids

They are going to destroy this town if you piss them off.

I hate chick flicks.

They make me incredibly angry because most of them insult the intelligence of women and some of them tend to even go so far as to have really insipid and stupid jokes that insult womanhood and even make us feel ashamed to be women.

Enough of my feminist rant. Let's get on to my review of Bridesmaids.

I have heard a few things about Bridesmaids being like The Hangover, just with women. Seeing the trailers and commercials for this film made me think that it is this type of movie, but after seeing it, it's a little bit more like Superbad in terms of its heart and spirit. 

This is one of the problems that I have with ads for films. They make a movie to be one thing and then when you actually see it, it's something completely different.

I am not saying that Bridesmaids is a terrible movie. It's actually surprisingly good. What I am saying is that a little truth in advertising wouldn't hurt.

Anyway, Bridesmaids is not like The Hangover. It does have some raunchy moments, but it's not a fair comparison to make. Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, Rose Byrnne, Melissa McCarthy, Wendie McLendon-Clovey (who you may remember from Reno 911), and Elle Kemper are the dysfunctional group of bridesmaids and Bride (Rudolph) who go through mishaps and the odd rituals of the wedding culture.

I wish I could say that this movie is satirizing the whole Bridezillas and extravagant wedding obsessed culture that we live in. In some ways it does but in other ways it also celebrates it.

The movie is incredibly funny but it also has some flaws, as with many films.

The beginning of the movie doesn't start out as a typical chick flick, but when you get towards the end of the film, it falls into the same traps and cliches that many chick flicks do. 

On a technical level, there aren't too many problems with the film. There are some scenes that were in the ads that could have been put in to the film, but I digress.

The Bridesmaids themselves have their own quirks and personalities. One of my favorites would have to be Megan (Melissa McCarthy). She's incredibly funny, well adjusted and has her life together. Of all of the Bridesmaids and even in some of the films geared towards women, Megan is one of the best characters ever conceived  Melissa McCarthy is incredibly funny and she truly stands out from the crowd. I would love to see her in more films.

Kristen Wiig and the rest of the ladies are fantastic and they all have great chemistry together. It is my opinion that Kristen Wiig should leave SNL and do more films. She is much funnier in films than she is on SNL

This movie is not so much about the misadventures of the Bridesmaids as it is more about Annie (Kristen Wiig) getting her life back on track. Again Bridesmaids is not an accurate title for the film, but I guess they really couldn't come up with another title for it. Although major kudos for having Mad Men's Jon Hamm and The IT Crowd's Chris O'Dowd play Annie's love interest.

Overall, Bridesmaids is a funny film, but for a movie that tries to be so different from all of those Chick Flicks, it ends up falling into the same traps as the other chick flicks do.

Will this movie make me like Chick Flicks? No it will not, but I like this movie as it is.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth.

Don't Let Thor Play Whack-A-Mole

Seriously he will wreck the shit out of it.

I am incredibly picky when it comes to super hero films. There have been some very bad ones (Steel, Barbwire, Spiderman 3, Batman and Robin, and Fantastic Four come to mind) while there have been very good super hero films (The gritty Batman reboots by Christopher Nolan, the first and second X-Men movies, the first Superman movie and the Iron Man movies). Thankfully, Thor falls  into the latter category.

When I heard that Kenneth Branagh was going to direct this film I was skeptical because he's really well known for directing dramas and Shakespearean films (I will review Love's Labour's Lost, I promise). The casting is great, for the most part (although, casting an Australian and two British actors is a little off, but they pull it off so who am I to complain) and the plot is pretty sound. 

I expected this film to be a standard blockbuster that will make a lot of money and then have a half-assed sequel.

I am so glad I was proven wrong. 

Now, this film has its flaws, but its flaws are minimal. For one, the acting performances were great and made this movie really fun to watch. Natalie Portman, Kat Dennings and Stellan Skarsgard all have wonderful chemistry together and play off of each other very well. The same goes for Chris Hemsworth and Natalie Portman. Tom Hiddleston gives a good performance as Loki, but he does come off a little bit over the top and is it just me or does he look a bit like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation at certain points in the movie.

Nope don't see any similarities...

The world of Asgard is gorgeous and incredibly well put through CGI. Now I love the advances of technology in the use of it in films, but I also have an issue with a lot of films that over use the technology which takes away the power and amazement of it. In this case it was utilized well and didn't over shadow the overall film. 

Here are a few of the film's flaws:

The pacing of the film felt a little bit uneven at times. The introduction and Thor's origin story was nicely put together. The middle and the end of the film however, felt a little bit rushed. 

As I mentioned earlier, Tom Hiddleston's performance as Loki was good but it came off as a little over the top at certain points. The action sequences are very well choreographed and executed, but they are a little bit standard at times.

The score of the movie is wonderful, but it's not very memorable. Despite the beautiful scenery of Asgard and cinematography, the score is nice, but it's forgettable and the film's score sometimes makes the movie a little more powerful. In this case it's not too much of a detriment, but the film could have had a more epic feel if the score was more memorable.

Overall Thor is a fun movie to watch. Is it on the same scale as The Dark Knight? No but in terms of entertainment and fun, it's on the same scale as Iron Man. The film's minor flaws are not enough to take away the fun and excitement of the film. Hell, I'm actually looking forward to seeing a Thor sequel and seeing him in The Avengers. Now that I think about it, Tom Hiddleston looks a lot like a certain someone that I have school girl crush on...

 Hmmm...he kind of does look like Martin Gore...nope don't see it either.

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch... because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!