Monday, June 13, 2011

Star Balls: A Fate Much Worse Than Blue Balls

Good God...

What the fuck have I done...

Let alone what the fuck did I watch?!

I can't believe I watched Star Ballz.


This very image alone makes me have nightmares.


You read that statement correctly. I watched Star Ballz.

For those of you who are not aware of this porno parody, here's a little back story:

Star Ballz is a hentai parody featuring Sailor Moon, Goku from Dragon Ball Z, R2-Pikachu (yes, it's a robotic pikachu), a Transgender C-3PO (not much of a stretch there really)  and Darth Mickey Mouse Vader. I am dead serious, Mickey Mouse is Darth Vader. He also fucks Sailor Moon. I am not kidding on this one.

This particular hentai is infamous because George Lucas got wind of it and decided to sue the people that created the porno.

The thing is, it's not really a parody of Star Wars. In fact I have no idea what the fuck it is. All I know is that Sailor Moon fucks Goku, a bunch of Storm Troopers...no wait they're called "Sperm Troopers." I use the term "parody" very loosely here.

Anyway on to the review.

So the movie begins with some really bad Beavis and Butthead Impersonations as we see the title card for Star Ballz.

Before I can continue, you won't be seeing as many images in this review as usual because there is so much from this hentai that I cannot publish. It is that fucked up. I am amazed that there wasn't any tentacle hentai in this as I would normally expect, but I digress, let's move on.

We see two ships, one looks like a penis and the other looks like a vagina. You know where this is going. Anyway after the ships have sex (don't ask), Darth Mickey and the Sperm Troopers try to capture Sailor Moon. Luckily she put all of her information inside R2-Pikachu right before she got captured.

One of the very few "safe" images I could find from this hentai.

So after that mess, C-3PO and R2-Pikachu land on a planet that resembles Tatooine. They encounter various parodies such as Seven, X-Men, X-Files, hell they even encountered Kid Rock in a cantina somewhere. Ok, I think the assholes who made shit such as Date Movie and Vampires Suck were involved in this porno parody because this shit pretty much sounds like something they would do.

We are then introduced to Chewie and Goku who are horny and are ready to bang something or someone. They then catch a glimpse of Transgender C-3PO and R2-Pikachu and decide to fuck them. Let me reiterate, Goku and Chewie fuck R2-Pikachu and Transgender C-3PO. 

What the fuck is wrong with Japan?

I know Admiral Ackbar! You don't have to rub it in my face! 

So Goku finds R2-Pikachu's "special spot" and activates Sailor Moon's message. After she tells them that she's in danger, Goku, Chewie and the robots spring into to action and head to Darth Mickey's Dick Ship (good God I cannot believe I typed that out).

Of course before we get the rescue, Sailor Moon decides to tease Darth Mickey and then fucks two of his Sperm Troopers to death (I'm sure a lot of men would want to go out that way, you know being fucked to death). 

So after that...yeah I'm just moving on. Goku and Chewie sneak onto the ship and do a Mission Impossible Parody (that movie came out in 1996, this porno is really dated when it comes to its jokes). It's when they encounter Sailor Moon in which she proceeds to take half of her clothes off in order to avoid the lasers, but it's no use because Goku's boner sets off the alarm which is really fucking annoying to listen to.

They then get trapped in the Garbage Disposal (just like in Star Wars: A New Hope). Before that, Goku decides to fuck Sailor Moon in order to "push" her down through the chute. How that is supposed to work, I have no idea nor do I have the desire to get into the details. Also, Chewie fucks Wilson the Volleyball from Cast Away (I am dead serious).

A bunch of dicks come out of those holes. Seriously.

So in order to help his friends, Goku goes into the toilet (why) and goes through a weird ass trip which includes a parody of the film the Abyss (really?!). After that, Goku directs them the way out and the encounter the source for the annoying alarm as Jar Jar Binks is getting fucked in the ass by female Predators. 

I have no words. That statement alone has left me speechless.

So they are about to escape from the Dick Ship when Darth Mickey corners them. Of course a anti-climatic (pardon the pun) fight scene ensues and Darth Mickey has Goku's Dick Saber shoved up his ass.

After they escape, they decide to fuck each other. It pretty much goes on like this until we see an image of George Lucas getting a blow job from Jar Jar Binks. Cue the end credits.

So what's my take on Star Ballz?

Where the fuck do I begin?

This porno parody was the longest 40 minutes of my life. It was that bad. The music is so bad, the editing is awful, the voice acting is horrendous, the music is terrible, the jokes are stupid and you know what, George Lucas had every right to sue this piece of shit! I know it doesn't really resemble Star Wars in anyway but honestly, if you're going to do a Star Wars Porno Parody, at least make it funny and do it right, or hell let George Lucas direct it and do it! You will feel unclean for months after watching this shit, I know I did and I still feel unclean!

My name is Maricruz Gonzalez and I'm the Movie Bitch...because somebody has to be.

Stay Sassy Planet Earth!

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